Safety Rope

year of the machete (the NBA saved itself)

2011-12-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

Lou Williams is a basketball player for the Philadelphia 76ers. Prior to the NBA season starting, Lou Williams was celebrating Christmas by driving around Manayunk, when a robber approached his car with a gun. Lou Williams looked at the robber and said "I am Lou Williams, 6th man and by far the most clutch player on the Philadelphia 76ers. Instead of robbing me, why don't I treat you to McDonald's drive-thru". The robber liked this idea and opted to not rob the rich man and hopped in.

The above story is true because Lou Williams not only said that it was true, but he also tweeted it. While most of my tweets are lies (when I feel like tweeting), I feel confident that all athletes speak the truth. Why would Lou Williams make up such an absurd story? Would-be robbers should be allowed to roam the yuppie hills of Manayunk. Just pack your cars full of McDoubles.

Other thoughts and observations of the first half-week of the NBA:

1. The NBA is by far the greatest league. I go back and forth with MLB, but Stern smacked some sense into me when he prevented CP3 from going to the Lakers. The Lakers freaked out and traded Lamar Odom to their main rival for nothing, deciding that giving Odom's minutes to Josh McRoberts is the way to go (and after watching some of the Lakers-Bulls game on Christmas day, it might not be that bad of an idea after all. Mike Brown on the other hand is a terrible idea). Also, the Timberwolves signed JJ Barea for a lot of money for a lot of years. I love this game.

2. The Knicks look good, which is important because I am a Knicks fan. They beat the Celtics, who didn't have Paul Pierce, which is a sign of improvement since they went 0-8 against them last year (thanks to Marv Albert for the stat). Iman Shumpert was the only one on the team not nicknamed Melo who really impressed me. Then he sprained his MCL and the Knicks were forced to sign that point guard kid out of Harvard because there other options are too old (Mike Bibby) or too fat (Baron Davis). It's weird to miss Raymond Felton.

3. I remembered that League Pass was free for a few days, so I decided to watch the Wolves-Bucks game instead of the Heat-Celtics that TNT was forcing down my throat. Ricky Rubio looks better than expected. He somehow makes easy passes seem extremely difficult, however, so I expect Michael Beasley to be confused for most of the year. Derrick Williams and Kevin Love should work well together, so if the Wolves can somehow ship JJ Barea (and thus, break up "Los Lobos") for a SG, they will be pretty fun to watch.

4. My secret santa sent me a machete (not lying).

Ikea

2011-10-25T10:22:00.001-07:00

Dear IKEA,

I am writing to you today because I had difficulty finding spare hardware from two Ikea locations (one urban and one suburban) for the Mammut crib I bought from you in 2010. I had to disassemble the crib and bring it over to my mother-in-law's house for a spell because we were staging our house in a different way to make it more desirable to buy because we have had difficulty selling it (reference #OccupyWallStreet for starters). Also, the baby was not digging the crib yet, as he prefers to sleep in his pack-and-play. However, babies grow and it is now time to go back into his crib. So I went to my mother-in-law's to get the crib and brought it back home. I put the crib together per your instructions and was saddened to realize my error. I had lost one bolt assembly in the move. This bolt assembly's lone responsibility in life is to hold up one quarter (1/4) of the mattress. I had three of his friends, but this one assembly evidently went Nemo on us. Without this little guy, the mattress would cave-in whenever weight would approach its corner. Translated- Not Baby Safe (NBS).

I decided to bring this issue to the fine Ikea located in South Philadelphia to only be greeted by the following fine exchange between two charming customer service representatives. Let me preface this by saying I am not in anyway mad at the employees. They deal with less handsome and more angry customers on the regular. My anger is more geared at the curious policies being followed by your confusing company.

"I need these parts" (basically a bolt, a nut, a washer, and a non-threaded eyeloop). I had an example of what I needed (Nemo's friends) and the assembly instructions with the part ID. The rep checked and said they didn't have the eye loop.

"Can I order that eyeloop?" was met with a "No".

"Well how can I get the part?" was answered with a "You can keep checking back in".

I said, "Oh, well when do you get parts deliveries" to which the other, more disinterested rep replied "we get parts deliveries twice a year".

I said, "Well I guess I don't really have to keep checking in. When's the next delivery". Disinterested replies "we got this year's delivery already."

Since checking back in to see if the delivery that wasn't expected had arrived was not the ideal solution, I requested to speak to a manager. The manager also searched for the part and he said it also was not in stock and not able to be ordered. The reason crib parts are not stocked is because Ikea can't make money off rebuilding cribs because it is illegal to sell a used crib. That's fine. But I asked if they still sold the crib, which they did, and if so how would someone get a part if it was missing in the box. He replied that he didn't know and he told me to check next door at Lowe's. Lowe's couldn't match the threadless eyeloop and the employee there cursed Ikea as apparently they regularly send customers to Lowe's to find Ikea-designed hardware. Most eyeloops have threads. I was tempted to have the Ikea manager help me shop in Lowe's but I had my son with me who was getting hungry, so I went home.

Once I got home I was pretty flyered (angry but also excited about hockey) up so I left the baby with my wife and headed to Conshohocken. Once there I was informed of this policy:

"No longer have the receipt, or it's over 90 days from the date of purchase?: IKEA does carry replacement parts for a majority of our products; however, we cannot guarantee availablity. In most cases, spare parts are only issued for items that have damaged or missing parts upon receipt, if the return is made within 90 days of the purchase date.
If you no longer have a receipt, many of our store locations have bins of the most commonly used hardware in the Customer Service/Returns Desk area. Depending on quantity, charges may apply."

This policy basically means that spare parts are available for products bought within 90 days. For those of you who bought the product outside of 90 days, there are no parts unless the store is lucky enough to have it. You cannot order them. While understanding the logic (not really) I really wanted the parts so I figured I would just start shouting. The customer service rep (at the new location) decided to actually look and was able to locate the eyeloop. She was more shocked than I was. I still needed clarification on why spare parts could not even be ordered if I was willing to pay cash money. Her answer was, well we are the only furniture store that replaces its own hardware. I replied, well you kind of have to provide replacements for your own hardware because a lot of it is Ikea specific. She didn't know how to handle that one. I asked her what I would have to do if she didn't have that eyeloop and she implied that I would have to buy a new crib. This seemed like a great customer service solution. "Lost one bolt? Buy a new crib". A crib that is not yet two years old that has barely been used is not able to be used because of a policy that refuses to deal with customers that have been loyal for over 90 days. I decided to leave since I have now collected 3/4 of Nemo and I think I matched the bolt up pretty well at Ace. I will put it together and hope for the best.

I hope that you can explain to me the reasoning why hardware is not made available for sale. The hardware at Ikea is not compatible with most stuff found at regular hardware stores (the manager at Ikea told me the bolts are better at Lowe's anyway...really nice to hear from someone selling cribs to families) so it needs to be made available to customers who bought stuff over 90 days ago.

Laterz,
Todd

4ever blog

2011-10-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

A

billion years ago
you read this blog

and you liked it.

Now

not so much.

It's pretty bad. I could tell you about the new fish accessories I bought.
I willn't though. I will do my best to never say anything about it.

But it will cost you your IP address

In a not so serious note, it was determined a long time ago that

Two really expensive songs

2011-08-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

for free

The Cat That Lived Outside

I was born in Iceland

2011 Delaware Marathon recap

2011-05-19T12:09:00.000-07:00

I ran in the Delaware Marathon this past Sunday, which happened to also be known as May 15th. It was hard. It was my third marathon and it counted towards my second state. 48 more states to go. It was by far the hardest of the three. The Philadelphia Marathon and the Sun Trust National Marathon (DC) are much easier in comparison. The reason being that the Delaware Marathon has hills. Not a ton of hills, but enough to be annoying. It was a looped course (2 loops) and the hills popped up around mile 8 or 9 and mile I don't know 16 or 17. That math probably doesn't make sense, but it was the same hill. I think the rise was for a good mile/mile and a half. Coming down the hill was surprisingly harder than going up the hill for me. I think that explains something about my training.

I signed up for the Delaware Marathon because it was the second closest marathon to my house. Although I think Wilmington might be a few minutes closer than Philadelphia. The Delaware Marathon is real cool because I think there are only about 750 marathoners allowed to enter. There are 2000 runners total for the weekend, when combining the relay, the marathon, and the half marathon. I may have made those numbers up. The marathon starts about 5 minutes before the relay and about 20 minutes before the half marathon. This leads to not a lot of congestion. I'm pretty sure the National and Philadelphia started marathoners and half-marathoners together, so it is real crowded for the first 13. The negative about the Delaware Marathon was the email subscription list. You basically did not get any emails. Maybe 2. So you just had to hope there wasn't anything updated. The website was a good source of information I guess.

When it was about May 13th, I started to realize I had to run a marathon on May 15th. I bought new socks and an anti-chaffing stick. Not like a stick from a tree. More like a deodarant stick. Oh I bought some Gu. On the 14th I went to the expo which was small and fast to get through. I got my #, a free pint glass, and a shirt to wear when I want. I wore it earlier today actually. Then I drove home and we had Maksim's birthday party at Ridley Creek State Park.

The next morning I woke up at 5 and drove back to Wilmington. I went to the bathroom at home. At Dunkin Donuts on the way. At the port-o-potty spot (long line but went fast). And in the train station (secret spot). Then I lined up and they shot a gun that sounded like a large bomb. We all started running. By mile 3 I realized I was going to have an awful day. The part of my right hip/groin (huh?) showed signs it was going to appear at mile 16 again. I wasn't into running at all and I was tempted to run back to my car, which was parked on the route. I decided that I wouldn't get my car then, but I would hop in it if I still felt crappy at mile 15. It was raining early in the race which caused my glasses to fog.

Since I couldn't see a damn thing I ran slow. Even if I could see I woulda ran slow. Wasn't into it at all. Then at mile 4 or 5 some dude started talking to me. I usually hate talking and running, but I guess something changed. It was easy to do. First dude was in his mid-40s and he has won a 50 mile race before. I said WOW. I told him I won a 5K once but it was kind of sketchy because I technically came in second and I might not have even really paid for it. Then we talked about the Schuylkill River. Then he ran faster than I did at a water stop. I didn't try to catch up. He might have run past me during one of the loops back in, but I wouldn't have recognized him because I talked to him during the I CAN'T SEE part of the marathon. I'm sure he didn't win.

At the end of the marathon I somehow managed to run with some 66 year old dude. This was one when I was doing the run-walk-hobble that began around mile 16 when my leg stopped working again. He had on his 50 States marathon club shirt. It also said two times on it. So he has run a marathon in 50 states at least twice. When I told him that was my goal to do it once, he said don't do it 12 times. I'm not sure what that meant. He may have run it 12 times. He has run the Delaware Marathon 9 times. Which is how many times the race has been run. He was cool. He congratulated everybody that we passed or passed us. He congratulated the water giver outters and the traffic stoppers. He was cool. I forget his name. I saw him near the end of the race after talking calf cramps with some guy who ran the Virginia Beach Marathon around mile 25. I was feeling better so I left VBM guy and hobble ran a decent finish. A half mile from the end I saw the 66 year old dude again. I asked if he wanted to run the loop again. He said I was crazy. Then he said I ran a good race. And then he took off. I didn't catch up. It was really cool. I'm sure he ran another loop.

Slowest marathon yet, but easily the most fun. I'm not able to repeat marathons but I would do this one again. Maybe when I'm 66 I'll do it.

Unproofread is what the above is. Hope it's coherent enough.

the sign on the side of the road that no one ever saw.

2011-05-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

The sign on the side of the road was hidden by a tree. The giant tree kept whatever was on the sign secret from the drivers driving by but it seemed to be ok because the street was a pretty safe one and there had not been any accidents in all of my years of driving on that street. Well maybe there was one or two accidents, but I think I might have only read about them in a newspaper. One story went along with the following title:

"Accident on Montgomery Street. Everybody was more than Fine"

I remember that day, reading about the accident. It was the most pleasant accident story ever written. It stated that Mr. Cosmo and Ms. Dee bumped cars accidentally when they both slowed down suddenly to try and get the other's attention. They bendered the fenders every so slightly but neither seemed to mind as they both rolled into the street to meet with a kiss. I love you Ms. Dee shouted Mr. Cosmo as he fell in the street. Yes Yes Yes Ms. Dee shouted. Everyone else on the street pulled over to applaud. It was a sure a strange, but pleasant news article. I think I read it once or twice just to confirm the words were there. I threw the paper away a little later that week, but the story remained over the years, but to be honest I stopped thinking about it a while ago.

That was until one day I was driving again along Montgomery St. when I was slowed to a crawl. Construction up ahead. Ahead we crept in our cars, and the reason for the delay was the tree was coming down by the street crew. It took a few days to chop down the giant tree, and as I drove by each day the sign became more and more clear until it was there for everyone to see.

the fat-faced dog

2011-05-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

There was a fat-faced dog on my paper route. He sat on the porch when it was nice out. When he saw me coming, he'd get up and start to come down the stairs to chase me. He'd get down about three steps before the rope he was tied to would pull him back up. He'd look at me and I would peddle away on my stupid little bike. Once in a while I'd taunt that fat-faced dog, by shouting stuff like "Hey fat-faced dog, your face is fat", but for the most part I wanted to get done delivering papers so I could go home and make a glass of chocolate milk and watch cartoons.

I kept that paper route for a few years. When I got older, I eventually decided to work in a grocery store, so I gave up the paper route. At that grocery store, I was forced to deal with people on a regular basis. Can you put the meat in separate bags? Can you carry that to my car? Other people just demanded things. Paper and plastic. Hurry up, I have to go home. Whenever I tried to get away for a minute, someone would call me back. There is always work to be done at a grocery store.

Every once in a while I would walk around my old neighborhood after a day at the grocery store. I would pass the fat-faced dog's house. When it was nice out, he'd be there on the porch. Even though he was older and his face was even fatter, he'd run down the stairs to try and get me. And I would occassionally walk over to pet him on his fat head. He was a good dog.

Where I was when they captured Saddam

2011-05-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

I guess all the OBL news has had me wondering about how people are supposed to feel when big things happen. I guess that's the big debate going on right about now. Should people be wooting and burning stuff in the street, or should they be chilling and praying to their God and whatnot? To me, the reaction doesn't really matter. People will find something to be pissed off about whatever the outcome may be. That be what makes people, people? Am I right? (I'm not apologizing for any of the stupidity found in the first few sentences of this blog, k?) (I understand there are grammatical errors, but they are used to make a point) (I'm not sure what the point is though, because I am an idiot). People separate themselves from lessers by being able to find the ability to get pissed off about basically whatever they want. I know people who hate American Idol. Other people seem to love it. If a TV show is going to bring out a debate, I guess a military-ordered death will as well. "So react how you want, just don't react around me"-Martin Luther King.

That is not really a Martin Luther King quote, it is a slight variation of a lyric found in a Bad Religion song.

I didn't riot at the OBL news, but I didn't boohoo none neither. My best friend growing up was a pacifist labrador retriever, but all the same I'm totes happy that OBL is no longer around. Perhaps contradictory, but I'm sure Ladybug would understand.

I tried to remember if the capturing of Saddam caused a similar reaction. Did Phillies and Mets fans hug in the streets? Did college campuses go bonkers? I have no idea. I heard about the Saddam news when I was laying face down on the carpet in Maguire's living room in Albany. Me and Jones visited him for some crappy party, and then crashed at Maguire's new apartment. The apartment was pretty boring and I think Maguire was trying to save money so he didn't let us turn the heat on, even though I remember his apartment was real cold. Jones called the couch, which was fine, because I have no problem sleeping on a floor. I remember Maguire's carpet smelling really good. There were lots of jokes about how good the carpet smelled. Most of them were inappropriate. But anyway, we drank a lot then passed out in our designated pass-out space. Maguire in his bed, Jones on the couch, me on the floor. Since it was so cold, Jones took down Maguire's curtains to use as blankets at some point in the night.

I remember waking up to Maguire freaking out. Maguire is military, and he ran in the room to turn on his television. Jones was excited. I wasn't excited, I was really hung over and cold. We watched the news programs all morning, and Maguire was confident that we had won. It was cool joining in on his winning attitude, but I was still pretty hungover. We probably made fun of Jones for the rest of the morning and then found greasy food somewhere.

The first time I saw Osama die

2011-05-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

OBL is now dead. This short blog is not about that. It is more about the other time he died. I have more information about that because I was there and I saw it happen. So I will share.

It was the spring semester of my senior season at college. I was a nitwit kid with a couple of radio shows on the college station. They were good shows. Steve and I yelled at each other while Mike and I ignored one another. One thing was certain. When GWAR was in town we would go. So we did. Although my memory refuses to confirm Mike and Steve's attendance. It can, however, confirm with certitude that Dan was in attendance. It may have even have been Dan's idea to go see GWAR at Tink's.

To understand why that is funny, you have to first realize a little bit more about Dan. Dan didn't like loud music. He liked DMB or other cargo short wearing music. I took him to a punk show our sophomore year at Sea-Sea's and he got spit on by some kid. This made him not go to anymore shows with me. Because even if he did like some of the crap I listened to, he couldn't tolerate nitwit kids who do stupid shit at shows. Can't blame him. So for Dan to suggest a GWAR show, it was funny. I wasn't big into GWAR, but I decided it is a show to go to at least once in your lifetime. So we went. It was at Tink's.

A GWAR show is fun because they dress up in monster costumes and throw up on the crowd. At the particular show I went to, they had some people that they were going to sacrifice to their gods. They killed Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, as well as Mike Tyson and George Bush. The music was real loud, and during the executions blood and guts would spill out into the crowd. I jumped on top of everyone and surfed my way up to the front to see what death felt like. A good time was had by all.

Dan watched from the bar in the balcony.

2011-05-02T14:22:00.001-07:00

Early birthday present for dadd- i mean Maksim

Broad Street Run

2011-05-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

Most recent:

May 1st: Broad Street Run. Completed my third Broad Street Run. It was fun. I ran my fastest time so far in this highly uncharming ten-miler. 01:22:46. That was five minutes faster than I ran last year. Which is misleading because it was 400 degrees last year. I think I could have ran 01:22:47 last year, but that weather was just too brutal. I probably could have ran 01:20:34 this year but my stomach warned me that if I didn't find a tullet we were gonna have issues. So at the water stop at mile 8 I dove face first into a port-o-tullet and upside-downed whatever it was that was bugging me. I recorded a PR in said tullet, washed off with invisible soap and ran a decent final two miles to record my new ten-mile PR, breaking that silly beach race I did last year. I decide to sprint with some derelicts at the finish just to ensure a sub-01:23:00 finish.

For whatever reason I felt like death all last night. I decided I like the Broad Street Run and I will try to run it every year. Next year I plan to beat Ndeh, who surprised me with his 01:18:16 because before the race he was telling me how his 5 Hour Energy was wearing off. Ndeh seems like the dude who doesn't train, but just shows up, drinks a 5 hour energy, then beats you in a ten-mile race which you have trained somewhat regularly for. Next year, Ndeh.

In addition, I am completely not looking forward to the marathon in under two weeks. Not feeling these Nike Frees at all. After the marathon I might try the New Balance Minimus jawns, but if they suck, I'm going back to cushioning.

Completed:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid. Turned out to be more fun than expected.

February 19th: Healthy Choice 5K. I was in Florida for some school junk. Wanted to run a race, so I found out that this 5K and the marathon were going on 2 minutes away from my motel. I was able to sign up late for the marathon, but a class schedule ruined that plan. So instead I did this 5K at Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. It seemed like a nice park, but the 5K included a looped course. Looped courses in a state park seems like a cop-out on race design, so I was a little disappointed. I ran a decent time, which shows that I have almost been able to keep in shape this cold winter. 5K time was not as fast as what I was running in the Fall, but I'll take it.

March 13th: Janet Massey Breast Cancer 5K One of the stranger races I have run. This 5K was organized by a student organization at Neumann University. I appreciate that a lot of effort is needed to run a successful 5K. I feel that the organization did put a solid effort into organizing this race, but I feel that there were a few glitches. One of which was the online form, as I'm not convinced I even paid for this 5K. When I get more money I'll be sure to redonate to the cause. The other problem was it started forty minutes after it was posted. It was a sneak surprise start as there was no get ready warning. We just lined up and a horn was set off. That's fine. The race was at Ridley Creek State Park, which is my homefield advantage. It was an out-and-back race, so the great downhill start meant there was going to be an uphill climb at the finish. So I let a few people go ahead of me because I planned on picking them off at the end. My plan worked and I finished second in the race. The guy who finished first didn't want to be considered the winner because he was part of the organizing group, so it'll go down as my first 5K win. So I won a race I didn't really win and I'm not even sure I paid for. I like it.

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I signed up for both. Next year I probably don't need to do the 5K. But I think I will do the half marathon again. The course was nice. And the participant size was pretty great. Wilmington is a weird town though. RESULTS

Registered:

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh

Possible:

August 28th: The Wild Half. Half-marathon in Wildwood, NJ. I think it's the first one.

the plan

2011-04-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I am forwarding you all the latest WATERSKI magazine e-newsletter. Before you scroll down to that, I request that you read a couple lines of words. The words are found below:

Thank you for taking the time to read this far. We are almost at the WATERSKI magazine e-newsletter. For those of you who know me, you know I have three loves in my life. They are my family, Philadelphia Flyers hockey, and waterskiing. I'm a big fan of waterskiing. I'm not that good at it yet, but with practice I'm sure I'll get real good. I own a snowboard and it rains a lot where I live. And I know people who can drive cars. That is Step 1. Practice

Step 2. I am running a marathon in Wilmington Delaware in exactly one month. My goal is to win it. Chances are I will not come close to winning it. My other goal is to raise money to build schools in places of the world that people generally don't care too much about. If you don't care, that is fine. But I care. And you care about my waterskiing career. The two are related. So donations are required. Go to this page and donate 5 dollars: http://www.crowdrise.com/safetyroperunsDonation is Step 2.

Step 3. You are probably asking why? Why should I donate? You are probably thinking, Hey, we are in a recession and the NFL is in a lockout. Rich people are arguing about how to best split up 6 billion dollars. The only legitimate concern in this dumb negotiation is the concern for retired NFL players with health issues who also have zero dollars. They should be taken care of. I say each player gives up a car. Wait. Wrong spot for an NFL rant. Ignore the rant, but follow Step 3. Step 3 is boycott the NFL. Don't play fantasy football. Don't buy a stupid shirt or a helmet with beer can holders on the side (actually you can buy that). Just give me $5 dollars. See Step 2.

Step 4. Waterski your faces off.

Kindest regards,

Ted

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: WATERSKI magazine
Date: Fri, Apr 15, 2011 at 10:01 AM
Subject: The Crossover Evolution, Video: Sport Nautique 200, Centurion's Backstage Pass

The Crossover Evolution, Video: Sport Nautique 200, Centurion's Backstage Pass

- Hide quoted text -

Behind The Scenes: Crossover Evolution
Although crossovers are the newest breed of inboard, they're practically dominating the market. Find out how crossovers have evolved and where they're heading in the future...
[click to continue]Video: Sport Nautique 200
WATERSKI takes the versatile new Sport Nautique 200 for a test drive...
[click to continue]

Three New Wallpapers
Decorate your desktop with three new water ski beauty shots...
[click to continue]

Back In Action
Four tips to save your back on deepwater starts...
[click to continue]

[Contest]

Win A Straightline RS Series
With molded nylon arms, a unique dyneema bridal and a design that prolongs rope life, the new RS water ski handle provides unmatched response for all levels of riders...
[enter to win]

[First Look]

Your Centurion Backstage Pass
Join Ricky Gonzalez, Drew Daniello and more in a working photo shoot surrounded by the latest top-secret Centurion products...
[click to continue]

HO Syndicate Welcomes Travers
With an under-21 division world title and a national slalom record, Jon Travers is the newest member of HO Syndicate...
[click to continue]

Ski School Primer
There's nothing like a trained eye watching your technique to help you identify and break bad habits...
[click to continue]

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WATERSKI EXTRAS

Video: Sans Rival SR2 Slalom Ski
Todd Ristorcelli breaks down this high-end European carbon ski...
[click to continue]

Video: Asher Skis HO Syndicate A2
Bob LaPoint and Will Asher share their shape philosophy behind the new Syndicate A2....
[click to continue]

Get Better Now: Shred-Ready Tips
Let the world's best rippers help you reach the next level...
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More from waterskimag.com:

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Race schedule (Updated)

2011-04-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

Completed:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid. Turned out to be more fun than expected.

February 19th: Healthy Choice 5K. I was in Florida for some school junk. Wanted to run a race, so I found out that this 5K and the marathon were going on 2 minutes away from my motel. I was able to sign up late for the marathon, but a class schedule ruined that plan. So instead I did this 5K at Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. It seemed like a nice park, but the 5K included a looped course. Looped courses in a state park seems like a cop-out on race design, so I was a little disappointed. I ran a decent time, which shows that I have almost been able to keep in shape this cold winter. 5K time was not as fast as what I was running in the Fall, but I'll take it.

March 13th: Janet Massey Breast Cancer 5K One of the stranger races I have run. This 5K was organized by a student organization at Neumann University. I appreciate that a lot of effort is needed to run a successful 5K. I feel that the organization did put a solid effort into organizing this race, but I feel that there were a few glitches. One of which was the online form, as I'm not convinced I even paid for this 5K. When I get more money I'll be sure to redonate to the cause. The other problem was it started forty minutes after it was posted. It was a sneak surprise start as there was no get ready warning. We just lined up and a horn was set off. That's fine. The race was at Ridley Creek State Park, which is my homefield advantage. It was an out-and-back race, so the great downhill start meant there was going to be an uphill climb at the finish. So I let a few people go ahead of me because I planned on picking them off at the end. My plan worked and I finished second in the race. The guy who finished first didn't want to be considered the winner because he was part of the organizing group, so it'll go down as my first 5K win. So I won a race I didn't really win and I'm not even sure I paid for. I like it.

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I signed up for both. Next year I probably don't need to do the 5K. But I think I will do the half marathon again. The course was nice. And the participant size was pretty great. Wilmington is a weird town though. RESULTS
Registered:

May 1st: Broad Street Run. Country's biggest 10 miler I think. A pretty mandatory thing to do at least once if you live in Philly. This will be my third in a row. I don't know why I feel the need to keep running in it. I guess because Keith Coleman signed up. The midwife who delivered Maksim will probably be running too so that's cool.

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh

Possible:

April 17th: Dash for Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness. 10K

August 28th: The Wild Half. Half-marathon in Wildwood, NJ. I think it's the first one.

2011-03-21T17:12:00.001-07:00

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2011-03-21T09:40:00.001-07:00

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2011 Race Schedule (updated)

2011-03-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

Completed:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid. Turned out to be more fun than expected.

February 19th: Healthy Choice 5K. I was in Florida for some school junk. Wanted to run a race, so I found out that this 5K and the marathon were going on 2 minutes away from my motel. I was able to sign up late for the marathon, but a class schedule ruined that plan. So instead I did this 5K at Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. It seemed like a nice park, but the 5K included a looped course. Looped courses in a state park seems like a cop-out on race design, so I was a little disappointed. I ran a decent time, which shows that I have almost been able to keep in shape this cold winter. 5K time was not as fast as what I was running in the Fall, but I'll take it.

March 13th: Janet Massey Breast Cancer 5K One of the stranger races I have run. This 5K was organized by a student organization at Neumann University. I appreciate that a lot of effort is needed to run a successful 5K. I feel that the organization did put a solid effort into organizing this race, but I feel that there were a few glitches. One of which was the online form, as I'm not convinced I even paid for this 5K. When I get more money I'll be sure to redonate to the cause. The other problem was it started forty minutes after it was posted. It was a sneak surprise start as there was no get ready warning. We just lined up and a horn was set off. That's fine. The race was at Ridley Creek State Park, which is my homefield advantage. It was an out-and-back race, so the great downhill start meant there was going to be an uphill climb at the finish. So I let a few people go ahead of me because I planned on picking them off at the end. My plan worked and I finished second in the race. The guy who finished first didn't want to be considered the winner because he was part of the organizing group, so it'll go down as my first 5K win. So I won a race I didn't really win and I'm not even sure I paid for. I like it.

Registered:

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I'm signed up for both.

May 1st: Broad Street Run. Country's biggest 10 miler I think. A pretty mandatory thing to do at least once if you live in Philly. This will be my third in a row. I don't know why I feel the need to keep running in it. I guess because Keith Coleman signed up. The midwife who delivered Maksim will probably be running too so that's cool.

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh

Possible:

March 19th: 2011 Fight for Air Stair Climb

March 20th: Get your Rear in Gear 10K

April 2nd: Tyler Arboretum 10K Trail Race. Probably my favorite race.

April 17th: Dash for Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness. 10K

2011-03-12T17:01:00.001-08:00

Maksim dunks Mr. Quack

2011-03-03T15:02:00.001-08:00

Woot

Good time waster

2011-03-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

This comic is a pretty great way to kill an hour.

This is the one about me:

2011-02-28T09:30:00.001-08:00

2011-02-25T14:04:00.001-08:00

2011 Race Schedule (UPDATE)

2011-02-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

Cricket-straight outta compton

2011-02-10T12:27:00.000-08:00

Click HERE.

"I don't think there are any cricket-playing gangsters”
End Quote
Alan Jackson

Deputy district attorney

in the sun i feel as one (or the sun smells too loud)

2011-02-09T06:16:00.001-08:00

written by Sam X.Strawberry
edited by Lisa P. Donaldson and Martin P. Stuffedshirt
originally published in Popular Mechanics, October 32, 2008.

Reprinted here w/o permission. Song Lyrics and Titles listed in the title of this article were definitely used without permission as a singer of one perished long ago, and obtaining permission for the other requires learning the language of the Scots which seems much to difficult for a man of my intellectual limitations.

Thought about the sun some this morning on the drive to work. It was impossible not to as it was directly in front of me making it incredibly difficult to really see or think about anything else. I figured if there were cars in front of me I would be able to see them at the last second which would give me more then enough time to swerve into the guard rail. Luckily I made it to work without having to smash anything.

As I was staring directly into the sun, burning whatever is left of the parts of my eyes that are needed for seeing shit, I thought about one of the last things Kurt Vonnegut ever told me and that was Mother Nature was trying to abort us. With a summer of record 100 degree days and a winter with record levels of wind, cold, and snow (Eds. Note: Not really a record in either case as the world is older than 150 years old or however long humans discovered how easy it is to terrify the masses with the news), I had gone what felt like months without seeing the sun. But the extremes made me think Vonnegut was right.

I leave before it rises and I get home after it falls. Sure I have a window at work, but Mother's Nature plan of death required that the sun lurk behind the clouds for weeks at a time to let the ground slowly freeze during the day so when we leave our posts we'll slip and slide to the depths below.

So to see the sun this morning, and to see it loud and clear, was a welcomed site, despite the fact that I was operating an expensive piece of machinery that is considered one of humanity's greatest creation as it not only gets us from here to there, but it also plays a part in assisting the sun in Mother Nature's mission of getting rid of us before we get rid of her. Survival of the fittest, in a land of big losers, edges her way, unless it's a see-saw battle because then our collective mass will result in the dangling legs of the other side. If we leave our post it will all come crashing down. Which is what it may come to. Or an explosive vest could accompany the sun one early rising, which would make the nightly descent a memory for the ages.

WAKE UP DEAD

2011-02-04T08:03:00.000-08:00

I haven't really been drinking a lot. Occassionally I'll drink a half a bottle of Brooklyn Brewery Chocolate Stout and then pour the other half down the sink. It's weird. All day I'll think about how I want to try a beer, and then I'll get home and not be into it anymore. But...

I am perhaps inspired again.

Thanks to Joe Sixpack's weekly six pack of the week in his friday email, I now am in urgent need of buying stock in Lefthand's Wake up Dead Imperial Stout. Imperial stouts are a little bit intense for me in my now not really drinking a lot stage of life, but if you're gonna call it Wake up Dead, I will drink it.

Nice job, Lefthand.

In other news I sort of really like the songs on the Julian Casablancas' album. I'm not sure if he has multiple albums out, but I like the one that Sarah downloaded. I didn't like it at first, but with each run they seem to get better and better. Like every other frat guy, I was real big into The Strokes when they came out, but got sick of them after the first album. But now I'm not so sure I should have given up on them. Cool punk lyric in the spirit of WAKE UP DEAD from above:

From the J. Casablancas song Out of the Blue:

"Yes, I know I'm going to Hell in a leather jacket
'Least I'll be in another world while you're pissing on my casket"

Pretty good punk lyric from this elitist rich kid.

Blogger

2011-02-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

Everytime I log into Blogger I am welcomed with a nice message that says "Create a Blog: It is Free". That is why I blog. Because it is free. It's also cool because you can write stuff that makes you sound like an idiot because it is free. Like we are. Free idiots. Free to blog and free to get into credit card debt.

Blogger is stupid. Myspace blog was better. I feel better now.

I haven't really had many ideas to blog about today, but I wanted to exercise one of my last remaining freedoms so I consulted my friend Justin. He said this:

Jusba: oh is it tuesday
me: nah well maybe
waht should i blog about?
Sent at 3:33 PM on Tuesday
Jusba: oh
can you blog about me
as a princess in a castle
me: yep
great topic
Jusba: k
me: give me 8

So here it is.

A Story of Justin the Princess

It was starting to dawn on Justin that he was taking the joke too far. He realized this as he was sitting alone in one of the towers at the far end of the castle. He had locked himself inside. In a few minutes he was going to be required to accompany one of the visiting princes' to a dinner to be held in their honor. Justin finally admitted that he was no princess. He looked at his gown and his wig and he began to cry, taking occassional breaks to brush his hair. He had to get out of this situation. He locked himself in the tower to buy a little time. He knew they were going to find him. They thought he was a she.

As he was crying and grooming, a plan popped up in his head. I can take off my wig and beautiful gown and just open the door as the regular man I am. They will never know. When asked if I saw the princess I will say "Princess? No, I was just fixing the cable". That seemed plausible enough. Justin disrobed and put on a pair of jeans and a Cafe Press t-shirt. He threw the wig down the tullet. He unlocked the door and entered the main hallway. There were princes everywhere, each with a nice princess. There was one prince who was princessless and he was scrambling around the shop looking for his date. He ran up to Justin. "Have you seen Princess Justin?".

"Nope, I'm just fixing the cable man".

"Oh, dang it, well if you see a princess with a beard lemme know."

"No problem."

And that was that.

Howie was late for work.

2011-01-31T09:29:00.000-08:00

I was getting coffee at the coffee machine when Howie finally showed up. I looked at my watch and saw that it was almost eleven. I'm not Howie's boss and I don't care in the least that he was nearly two and a half hours late, but I do like to joke around with Howie everyonce in a while.

"A little late, huh Howie?"

"Yeah, I fell in a snow bank on the way in. HEE HEE HEE"

"Woah you ok?"

"I don't know. HEE HEE HEE"

Howie is old. He is real old. He might not be that old, but he's not in the best of shape so I assume that he is real old. Visually, I would compare him to a post-fall humpty dumpty. While I don't know exactly how old he is, I am pretty sure that he should find an easier way to get into work. Currently he walks a few blocks to catch the bus. The bus takes him to the subway. The subway takes him near work. Then he has to walk a few more blocks. He doesn't complain about that. While he is great at public transportation, he is not so great at fashion. "I have never worn a pair of jeans." He is also not so good at fast food. "I have never eaten a slice of pizza."

"Why not, Howie?"

"Why would I?"

There really isn't a way to win that argument. Why would he? So after I decided that an ambulance wasn't needed, Howie then decided to tell me more news. What kind of news? Well, death news.

"I buried a mouse this weekend."

"A mouse? Was it a pet."

"No. It was Christian burial. HEE HEE HEE"

"Ok well sorry about your loss, but I have to go do some work now."

Howie would then go to his cubicle to go to sleep for a few hours. I'd walk by every once in a while. I used to wake him up because I was afraid he would get in trouble, but after working here for a few years I have come to realize that no one cares what Howie does. In fact the less work Howie does the better. He is a good guy though. Well-liked and always good for a story. Even if it's the same story every other day.

2011 Race Schedule

2011-01-21T12:02:00.000-08:00

Here's how I picture my 2011 race schedule to look. Real exciting blog today!

Registered:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid.

May 1st: Broad Street Run. Country's biggest 10 miler I think. A pretty mandatory thing to do at least once if you live in Philly. This will be my third in a row. I don't know why I feel the need to keep running in it. I guess because Keith Coleman signed up. The midwife who delivered Maksim will probably be running too so that's cool.

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh

Possible:

February 19th: "For the Love of Children" 5K. In stupid Florida

March 19th: 2011 Fight for Air Stair Climb

March 20th: Get your Rear in Gear 10K

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I'd like to do both.

April 2nd: Tyler Arboretum 10K Trail Race. Probably my favorite race.

April 17th: Dash for Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness. 10K

Polar Cat

2011-01-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

I need to raise $40 pretty fast because I want to go swimming in cold water. I actually needed to raise $50 but I was able to spend $10 on myself to help all of you out. Isn't that amazing? This money doesn't go to me, it goes to the Special Olympics, which is a good cause. So hopefully at least four of you can hook me up with $10 and we're good to go. Or maybe 40 of you can hook me up with $1 but that seems much more difficult. Please be advised that I can go over $50 in the event you want to donate everything you have. Good advice?

Still running so I'll bug you about that later, but that fundraising has slowed way down. Never did a polar bear thing so I figured it'd be neat to check out once. If I get over $500 I'll do a barefoot 5K after the swim, K?

K, happy day. Here's a link that sends you some more info that I did not write, although I did pick the dope "Bubbles" background.

-Todd

http://specialolympicspa.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=442430&supid=319946008

Deception (Who let the catz out?)

2011-01-19T11:37:00.000-08:00

"1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them."
-Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

"As long as there's a lower class, I'm in it. As long as there is a criminal element, I am of it. As long as there is a soul in prison, I am not free." Vonnegut quoting Eugene Victor Debs at a college commencement speech.

The hole appeared one day. Its appearance, while unexpected, was not particularly surprising. Holes tend to appear now and again. The Murakamian decision that one faces when coming across one of these holes is whether you ignore them or you explore them for lost cats. All of my cats were accounted for so I passed the hole and continued the journey to the end of the path.

The next day the hole was still there. It was bigger even. Either that or I ate too many donuts the night before. Both are probable. Although none of this is true. It is never true. Since I couldn't remember if any of the cats were accounted for, I decided it was time to fall in.

The hole was exactly like I pictured it to be. Very 1996. Dial-up internet. Decent New York basketball. I enjoyed spending time at Burger King. There were cats, but not the ones I was looking for. The deeper I went, the foggier the memories became. I remember something about an arcade and a friend with down syndrome. Something about a field of horses, some bees, and a cut on my knee that gushed but didn't hurt. Cats, but again, not mine. An igloo, my father, and that's it. The igloo had a hole but it sat on the roof as opposed to the floor. A rope, dangling ever so safely, seemed to call out, as safety ropes generally do in times of need. Tired and cold, I climbed through to emerge back to where I am today. Inspired, yet confused, about where I came from and where the cats have gone to.

only got a minute

2011-01-14T12:41:00.001-08:00

Wanted to write a blong log today but i tan out of rhyme. It happens I guess. Seal-ing fick. It happens to the best of us. I'm drinking airborne and water out of a cup like it's nobody's business. It hasn't helped.

Zodiacs are in the news again. Astrology is important to me. Although that is a lie. But Astrology is important to Ron. He loves that stuff. Not a lie. The whole drive to fictional Los Angeles, he would spit zodiac schnitz into the walkie-talkie as if I gave a who. He was in outerspace, man. The whole time it was like we were racing through the galaxy. Trying to get to the sun first. Because the last one there is the rotten egg.

have an above-average weekend. see you next fall

Hey LeBron...Ball Don't Lie

2011-01-13T05:52:00.000-08:00

I don't hate LeBron James. Well maybe I do a little. Ok, I can't stand him. But I'm glad I can't stand him. It is because of this hatred that I believe that the NBA is currently having one of the greatest regular seasons I can remember. Friends of mine who have lost interest in the NBA are tuning in again because they are fired up about LeBron. It might be the best NBA regular season in the 21st century. Mind as well go out on top, NBA. It was nice knowing you.

LeBron can't get all the credit for a great start to the 2010-2011 NBA season. I, perhaps selfishly, credit the Knicks success for helping in the resurgence of the league. A packed Madison Square Garden is good for basketball. The other reason the NBA is good again, perhaps great (?), is Blake Griffin. Even though he is stuck on the worst franchise in the history of the game, a team whose owner heckles his players during games, the Clippers are must-watch TV (or at least check out the highlights). In just a half-season Griffin has already compiled a list of dunks [capped by the "dunk" (face rape) on Timofey Mozgov] that puts him in the conversation for best dunker of all-time.

Blake already had his run-in with the Knicks, as Mozgov was the Russian center that the Knicks curiously decided to sign to a three-year deal this summer even though he is over seven feet and can't rebound, so it was time for Blake to meet up with LeBron. Their game was scheduled for last night. To build the drama, LeBron decided it was a good idea to use twitter to trash his old team, after they were humiliated by the Lakers on Tuesday by a score of 112-57. During the closing minutes of that game, LeBron decided it was a good idea to tweet: "Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!" While he doesn't call out the Cavaliers specifically, every sportswriter and fan in America knows that is what he was talking about. The genius is mad at Cleveland because he was surprised they weren't thrilled with "The Decision" to take his talents to South Beach. While you can't be mad at him for wanting a change of scenery, I deprived Warwick, NY of my talents a long time ago (you're welcome, Aston, PA), the decision to announce his decision on an ESPN special was ill-advised. Barry O', LeBron is not. The thing is though, that once that tweet went out, you knew it was going to come back and bite LeBron. Because, yes, Karma is a b****, and in the basketball world, the Ball Don't Lie.

"Ball Don't Lie" is a phrase I believe coined by coach Flip Saunders, but made famous by Rasheed Wallace. Ball Don't Lie is in reference to a questionable foul call. If a ref makes a borderline call, the answer on whether or not it actually was a foul, is determined by the foul shots. If he makes the foul shots it was a foul. If he misses, it wasn't. In LeBron's case, Ball Don't Lie logic was going to come into play in last night's game against the Clippers. The Heat were rolling, winners of 13 straight road games, which was one more win than the Clippers have had all season. Before the game, LeBron said that his stupid tweet was not in reference to the Cavs. Instead he had this to say about it:

"It's just how I was feeling at the time," James said. "It wasn't even a comment from me, it was someone who sent it to me and I sent it out. It wasn't toward that team. It definitely wasn't a good showing by that team last night, I know they wish they would've played better." (Article here)

When asked what it was in reference to, LeBron was shut down by the Heat PR staff. So if the tweet was directed to the Cavs, the Heat were going to lose to the miserable Clippers, because the Ball Don't Lie. I predicted that the Clippers would win (Ryan, Vic, and Rey can back this up) and they did. I predicted (and hoped) for Lebron to get "Mozgoved" by Griffin. He did not. But he did sprain an ankle and is now day-to-day. A great team losing to the Clippers is equal to a bad team getting blown out to the Lakers. Ball Don't Lie, LeBron. I hope your ankle gets better soon!

Troegs JavaHead Stout

2011-01-12T08:41:00.001-08:00

I like Troegs. It might be my favorite brewer. Although Victory is up there as is Maui Brewing, even though their owner might be a jerk. He might not be, but he didn't appreciate getting dumb emails from me. SMH.

I also like coffee. I don't have a favorite coffee, but I am not against Starbucks like some yahoos I know. Sarah just recently advised me that the Venti (largest size) is actually a decent deal as it is only a few coins more than the Grande (middlest size). Why I never realized this before is beyond me. I guess I always thought that the Venti seemed unhealthy. smh.

So last night after little buddy decided to fall asleep for a few minutes, Sarah and I decided to split a 22 of Troegs JavaHead Stout, which sounds perfect as it is both beer and coffee. We have only been drinking stouts for the most part, although avoiding Guinness at all costs unless we happen to be at an Irish wedding. Troegs' coffee stout was on the table last night so it was opened and beginith to be dranketh. Like pretty much any coffee stout, it was good. It's a 7.5%er so it can get the job done, but it also was ridiculously smooth which is the sign of a doper stout. The problem was, however, I am getting sick and besides having lockjaw, my throat felt stupid when drinking the beer. So unfortunately after half of my half I decided it was just making my throat feel worse so I sentenced the rest of the beer to a life in the sink drain. All the sink millipedes thanked me, as I could hear a tiny-legged celebration and the sound of a firework or two blasting off as the coffeed goodness fell down the sink. A little may have been purposely spilled on the floor for the memory of Pickles the Cat.

NEWS FLASH: IVERSON JUST RETIRED AND WILL BE LEAVING TURKEY. smh

On to an update on the move to LA.

Ron and I were speeding away from the bullet-nosed lumberjack and made it safely on the highway. When we were side-by-side we decided to use the walkie-talkies we bought for the trip, but since we weren't walking I guess they should be considered drivie-shouties. They only worked when we were on the verge of crashing into each other.

Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Me: Can you hear me? over.
Ron: Yeah I can, can you hear me? over.
Me: Yeah works pretty good. over.
Ron: Cool, just don't speed too far ahead. over.
Me: Ok, that's fine. over.
Ron: What should we do now? over.
Me: I don't know, let's just drive overnight. over
Ron: That's fine, but I wouldn't mind a shower. over.
Me: Why are you taking all these showers. over
Ron: Huh? over.
Me: Hover. Over
Ron: Nashville, right? Over
Me: Yeah sure. Over
Ron: I told you these walkie-talkies were a good idea. Over
Me: They suck, I feel like we could just open our windows and have a better conversation. Over.
Ron: That sounds like a bad idea. Over
Me: Yeah I guess you're right. Over.
Ron: Want to get a beer. Over.
Me: Sure, but aren't the bars closed? Over.
Ron: I don't know, it's your story. Over.
Me: Good point, yeah let's go to a bar. Over.
Ron: Want to invite the lumberjack? Over.
Me: Sure, why not. Over.

Ron then called the Lumberjack. He was surprised to hear from him. He was wondering when the last time he saw us was. The one good thing about the lumberjack was that he usually was too drunk to remember really much of anything. Which was probably why he had a good jumpshot. So Ron and I did a side-by-side u-turn and headed back to Chapel Hill. We met up with the lumberjack once again, deep in TarHeel territory and went to a college bar. My memory makes me think it was middle of the day when this bar was actually visited so it was pretty early. The lumberjack didn't really have a sister I guess, but he did like an IHOP waitress. Ron was just hoping to find a shower as soon as possible, but we did drink a lot of alcohol that day, before finding a Best Buy so we could buy some good road cd's.

sneezing bullets

2011-01-11T09:17:00.001-08:00

Ron and I arrived in Chapel Hill in the middle of the night exhausted from the drive. Ron, who had showered three times, called up the lumberjack to see if we could crash at his place. The lumberjack agreed, gave us directions, and within minutes we were there. The "house" was nothing more than a large van parked at an IHOP. I asked the lumberjack if the IHOP was cool with him staying there, which resulted in some serious lumberjack contemplation. After a minute or five, the lumberjack decided that the IHOP was real cool with it, and he cracked open a beer. Ron asked for a shower. The lumberjack thought about it for a while before letting out a lumberjack laugh. Yep, he said. Ron headed towards the IHOP, leaving me with the lumberjack who was drinking a lot faster than he was talking. The more he drank the slower the conversation became.

Ron and I knew the lumberjack from college. We were on an intramural basketball team together, although the lumberjack never showed up to many games. When asked why he missed so many games, the lumberjack would sometimes shrug. Other times he would just laugh, creepily. Eventually we stopped asking and eventually he completely stopped showing up. He had a decent jump shot though.

I asked what brought him to North Carolina and he responded with a shrug and a comment that alluded to his sister having a baby. I asked if he was helping his sister with the baby and he drank two beers before responding that he was. He said he was watching the baby while his sister worked during the day. The inquiry on the whereabouts of the dad was answered with another shrug and an "Iraq I think". These details are unneeded for a lumberjack and after a couple of more questions I decided that my need for the answers was not that important either. The important thing was we were only in North Carolina for a couple of days and we knew where to find pancakes.

Ron came back from IHOP with a large grin on his face and stumbled into the van. I asked what the smile was for and he told me that he met a girl. This seemed to get the lumberjack interested, so he decided to ask who he met. Ron then went and talked about how he met a waitress, which after a few minutes was discovered to be the lumberjack's sister. This resulted in lumberjack rage which then resulted in Ron and myself running through the parking lot to our stupid little cars. From the road we saw that the lumberjack appeared to be shooting at us. Or sneezing. We never knew for sure. The only thing we knew was that we needed to get to Nashville by morning.

the move to LA

2011-01-10T11:23:00.000-08:00

I moved to LA a few years ago. I lived there for about five or six weeks. I moved out there with Ron DiSlosmo and slept on the floor of his apartment and/or hotel room. The only reason I moved out there was because Ron was moving there. Ron was moving there because he "got a new job" which really meant that his parents found his porn collection.

So when Ron decided to move, he sent me a text or a phone call asking if I wanted to move too. I did I guess I said. I was tired of sleeping in a hallway. So it was time to move. I packed up all of my socks into my car and drove to New Jersey to meet up with Ron. When I got to Ron's house, he was already waiting outside. His car was filled with bubbles and he was holding two large cacti. Can you fit these in your car? he asked. I said yeah sure, and I threw them into the neighbor's yard when he was checking the air pressure of the tires on his bicycle that was strapped to the roof of his car.

We started driving South and before we knew it we had reached Baltimore. It was time for a rest stop. We found that truck stop just outside of Baltimore and Ron grabbed his slippers, bathrobe and a towel and made his way for the showers. Ron would proceed to shower at every rest stop the rest of the way. I went into the convenience store and wanted to see how many cassette tapes I could fit into the pocket of my hooded sweatshirt. The answer turned out to be a lot and I slow rode my way to Chapel Hill listening to Fog Hat while a clean Ron drove ahead of me, leading the way, soap suds splish-splashing there way out of his tiny little car. Sounds of the boss rolled out of the tail pipe. In Chapel Hill we were greated by the Lumberjack.

More to follow

running with dogs and a thought on uniforms

2011-01-06T12:10:00.000-08:00

I try to run a lot of miles five times a week. Most of the time, this is easy to accomplish, but if there is a monster storm or an important day to celebrate, I'll miss some time. No biggie. I'm not an Olympic athlete, so I can miss a day or a week. Life usually goes on.

Lately I've been running with imaginary dogs. This is a little worrisome. I don't do drugs, and while I don't get a lot of sleep, I don't really blame sleep deprivation for my hallucinagenic (sp? even a word?) condition. I think it is because running in the cold weather sucks. Nothing is fun about running in the cold. Unless you're a fan of frostbite and falling on black ice. Or it's tolerable if you're doing it to spend time with your imaginary dogs.

Most of my dogs are rehabilitated pit bulls. Rescued from a dog fighting ring. They're nice enough, but I wouldn't stick your face in front of them just yet. Give them some time to get more comfortable for a life free of rape-stands. They're good dogs though. Poor guys. A little skittish, but fun to run with. They bark at the cold to keep it away from me. On any given day I can run with up to five dogs. I usually have a dog rotation.

Monday it's Packer and Martin
Tuesday it's Scooter and LaFawna
Wednesday it's Mitch, Treach, and Lil Squeak
Thursday it's Fox, Harry, and Doris
Friday it's Monday, Horse, and Hatcher
Saturday it's Log, Fire, Brain, and Bird
Sunday it's all the rest. (Each remaining dog is named after the position players on the 1985 World Champion Kansas City Royals).

That rotation is not set in stone. For example, I did a short run today so I didn't need Doris or Harry to tag along. It was just me and Fox. We ran fast. We talked about that time Jesus stole my identity for a bit. He needed to buy some high-priced electronics. I didn't mind at all.

Ok, that's all for today. Oh, one more quick thing, I was thinking about sports jerseys today on my run. I have no problem with people buying sports jerseys. I prefer the t-shirts with the players' names on the back, but I can understand the appeal of jerseys. I have a couple (although none are current as Brian Westbrook's Eagle career is now over). But I think jerseys and jeans are silly. I think fans that choose to wear the jersey, should also wear the bottom half of the uniform. I understand you want to show you're a big fan of Bart Scott, but Bart Scott isn't sacking QBs in jeans now is he? Nope, he's wearing tiny white pants. I never understood how people would line up for a new player's jersey, but they never buy the bottom half of it. That needs to change asap. So if you're making the trip to Indy, I want to see you in full uniform if you decide to wear the Scott jersey to the game.

Thanks.

Woof.

According to BBC this Sea Lion is writing the word Rabbit in Chinese:

zombie sink repair for zombies and over-aged children NSFW

2011-01-05T08:11:00.000-08:00

I am not a zombie and I am not really a man as I am not yet 40, but there was an issue discovered in our house that required me to learn how to fix a sink. Fixing things is not a big deal for normal humans, but since I am not a normal human, I usually manage to make things extra difficult. Changing a kitchen faucet apparently really isn't that hard to do.

The problem that required the kitchen faucet repair was a leak sprung in what I will call the "neck" of the faucet. For the most part it wasn't a big deal, but we got one of them dishwashers that you have to roll up to the sink and connect to the faucet. When water would back up when the dishwasher was on the chill portion, it would shoot out of the neck, not unlike blood from someone who accidentally got hit in the neck by a javelin. So the water was terminated to that particular sink and a trip to Home Depot was made. A new kitchen faucet was purchased and plans were made to have me, your zombie hero, to replace the damn thing.

So I figure out how to get under the sink comfortably, which is probably the most difficult part about sink repair. I figured out how to unscrew the water connections to the existing kitchen faucet. After about a few minutes of unscrewing some rusty connections the old kitchen faucet was removed. Proud of myself I chewed through the packaging of the new faucet only to discover that we bought the wrong product. It turns out we have the hose connection, but you can't simply reconnect the existing hose to the new faucet since it needs to have the special connection. How dumb is that? So a return trip was made to Home Depot, and the proper product was purchased.

I meant to fix the damn sink Monday, but the stupid narwhal tattoo experience made me skeptical to attempt a fix late at night because I didn't want to wake my dad up when I 1) opened a fountain 2) fell through the kitchen floor, so I decided to leave the kitchen sink waterless for an extra night.

So last night comes around and I am determined to make the repair, so after dinner Sarah takes his majesty into the living room and I descend into the depths of under the sink hell. It turns out that changing a kitchen faucet is pretty easy. Here are the steps:

1. Buy a new kitchen faucet
2. Go to Home Depot and return the kitchen faucet you bought for the proper one
3. Take the old faucet out. Basically you have to unscrew 4 things and unattach the hose part. The hose part didn't disconnect easily so I just took some scissors and destroyed the hose. If the new one didn't fit, we would probably have an issue.
4. Take the new faucet out of the box. Look at the instructions
5. Put the new faucet in. Go underneath and tighten some stuff. This requires a second person to hold stuff up top as you tighten.
6. Run the water
7. Check for leaks
8. Call your dad if you get nervous about a little water coming out of the cold water handle.
9. Agree to just see if it fixes itself
10. Check to see if there is still a leak. If there is, freak out. If there isn't, chill. Right now I'm in chill mode.

Today is our third wedding anniversary. It's amazing how much has changed in three years, but the one constant has always stayed the same. Sarah and I fantasized about buying NBA teams and dedicated field hockey fields in our names to our alma maters, last night when figuring we would win the Mega Million. We did not win. But it does not matter. Because being with Sarah and Maksim is far greater in my book than being a 355 millionaire.

(Although if we won, I would have put an NBA team in DelCo.)

2011 tattoos

2011-01-04T07:08:00.001-08:00

I got a tattoo last night. From a tattoo shop.

Want to hear more?

Ok!

I like tattoos. I don't get addicted to things very easily due to an appreciation of apathy, but I do like tattoos. I have several. Mainly small ones. My first was a blue dove that I liked when I saw it on a car air freshener, the second was a red fox seen on the cover of a Belle and Sebastien CD. The third may have been the Kurt Vonnegut quote, while the 4th may have been the Kurt Vonnegut drawing. The fifth coulda been the trumpet clip art, but it was probably the nick drake guy sitting on top of the vonnegut quote. The seventh most likely was the Endless Summer, while the 8th undoubtedly was the cat playing the drums. The 9th was the Hawaiian hut achieved on our honeymoon, but thinking more carefully about it, I probably mixed the hut up with the cat. That sums it up I think, but I could probably be missing one or two. Oh yeah, I have the Mickey Spillane book cover girl, so I guess that accounts for ten. If you think about it carefully, a tattoo rarely goes for less than $100 unless you get a tiny letter on a knuckle, so I imagine I have spent close to $2000 on tattoos. Is that math right? Probably. SMH

So no one can simply have ten tattoos, so I told Sarah for a lot of years that it was time to get a new one. I have many ideas of what I wanted to get, but for whatever reason I decided I needed a narwhal for Maksim, even though he roars more like a lion. So Sarah hooked me up with a nice tat gift cert to Bone Daddy's (that's right) tattoo shop in Aston. Appointment was booked, idea discussed, arm shaved, tattoo received. I don't know, hopefully narwhals aren't too trendy (like ninjas or snap bracelets), but I'm pretty happy with it. He's a little too sad looking for me to really say it's a Maksim tat, so I'll have to go back in a year to get the 12th, most likely a lion.

This pic is very Myspacey as it was taken in a tullet stall, but I did my best to keep the tullet out of the pic.

In other news, the sink is leaking. I will attempt to solve the problem once and for all tonight. Changing sink parts is challenging as it is tough to fit an entire adult body into the tiny space underneath the sink, while keeping your sweatpants from falling down. I'll probably keep my gun out of the wasteband during the fix. If all goes well, I will provide an update tomorrow. If the sink falls on my sternum, I will ask Sarah to send an update.

ANGRY BIRDS (update): I am on level 7-3 or so. It's when you gotta kill the pigs with the night time city landscape in the background.

Peace

year of the rabbit

2011-01-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

I'm not big on resolutions but I decided for 2011 I would write a lot more. I intend to write a blog every single day in 2011. Today is January 3rd. And this is my first blog of the new year. So therefore I have failed. But like a good neighbor, state farm is there, and I shall continue on as if day numero uno and dos did not exist in the blog world. Like that scene in 300 where there's no way they are gonna win, but they fight anyway because in the end they didn't want to go back to cubicle life because they rather die heroically as opposed to dying a slow death processing student loan applications. Things might have been different if that little troll dude didn't end up backstabbing them because he wanted to smizz with all the Persian dude's concubines. That's basically what this is more or less exactly kind of like.

2010 was pretty much the raddest of years. A little buddy named Maksim Walter joined Sarah and I in our quest for world domination. The quest has become easier with him in the mix. His first typed word may have been cop poop.

Maksim (logged in as Sarah)

Sweetie: j j7nnnnnnnnnn58
65
2:19 PM c S nnnnnnnnnm x
sz,
fv
me: 65
Sweetie: cop'oop;k x
me: cop'oop

I've been saying cop poop all these years. Acorns fall. And hatch into greater trees. That hopefully can dunk.

2010 was also heroic for other reasons, but now is not really the time to discuss them. This blog is about 2011 and what to expect (if you were expecting). Expect nothing and therefore every thing will be something. That was my yearbook quote, except it wasn't, but if it was you probably wouldn't have believed it anyway. My yearbook quote was actually from a Propagandhi song which was an actual punk rock band from Canada that played songs about stuff and had albums where the songs could be heard that could be purchased or stolen because stealing actual cds used to be easier than stealing imaginary cds if you had a friend named Jones.

The above could have been summed up in a twitpic from the BBC:

Philly Marathon recap

2010-11-22T06:55:00.000-08:00

So I finished the Philadelphia Marathon. My only real goal going into a race is to finish, but I secretly wanted to get under 4 hours. I had 4:25 I think in DC which was good, but I took that one real slow in the beginning because I wasn't sure what to expect. Having the experience of DC behind me, I figured I could run a little more normal during the beginning. I ran extra normal (whatever that means) for the first 15 miles and I was on pace to hit 4 hours and 2 minutes. I figured I could run faster for the last couple of miles to get just under four hours. Unfortunately my right leg stopped working at mile 18, so 4 hours was out the window. At mile 22 or 23 or so, the limp run I was doing for 4 or 5 miles started to have an effect on the rest of my muscles so I began to cramp. The last 3 miles were reduced to a jog/walk/limp death march that resulted in a 4:28 finish. 3 minutes slower than DC...not thrilled with the time, but at the end of the day I guess it doesn't matter. I could blame the fact that I didn't do many long runs in training for this marathon, the fact that I eat a ton of candy during a day in the cubicle, and I don't exercise outside of lunch hour runs. I decided I will do some yoga with Sarah for the Spring marathon (marathon to be determined next week).

I wasn't too excited to run in Philadelphia for whatever reason. I've lived here for six years now and I figured that the course would be boring because it's places I've already seen a bunch of times. Running up South street, by the zoo, and up Kelly drive didn't seem too exciting. I was wrong. The race was super fun. I planned for the start much better this time. Instead of showing up 2 hours early like I did in DC, I got to the Art Museum at 6:50 when the race started at 7. I didn't have to wait in any port-o-potty lines because I parked/used the bathroom at work (and Dunkin Donuts and home). Maybe it wasn't smart to park 2 miles away from the start, but it's good to know for next time...which will be never because the PA marathon is now crossed off the 50 States + 1 checklist.

The race started on time at 7 and even though I was in a corral near the back, I think I was started by 7:10 or 7:20. Nice work, Philly race people. The race was especially fun, because the people who came out to cheer were awesome. First names were printed on our race bibs, so people would shout out your name which was weird at first, but really cool near the end. It was extra cool to see Sarah and Maksim hanging out in Manayunk (mile 20 or 21). I stopped momentarily to tell Sarah about my injury and to tell Maksim that he makes a pretty good bear (as he was dressed in his bear costume). Rob, Robby, and my sister were also there and I wanted to stay and high-five everyone but Sarah told me that I shouldn't stop and told me to get moving. I limp ran away and headed back to the city for the thrilling finish.

Other notes from the Philly marathon:

A lot of people. Maybe I am misremembering, but it seemed like triple what the National Marathon in DC gets. Possibly because the National Marathon is relatively new and it doesn't count to a state for the 50 state club?

Crushed can of Four Loko on the course. Probably from a vagrant, but I'll pretend it was a runner's pick-me-up at mile 17.

Perfect weather. I have lucked out with weather for both marathons. I can't imagine running a marathon in rainy or obscenely hot weather. I'm a little nervous if I decide to run Delaware next (late May).

Columbus Blvd. served as a pretty good bathroom spot for a billion runners, male and female. Nasty

Ran without music. It was a lot easier than expected.

Having a baby is awesome. Here's Maksim eating his sock and my finisher's medal:

Thanks to everyone for cheering me on through emails and thanks to those who donated to my page.

Donate Now!!!!

2010-11-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

Hello,

It turns out I did a pretty poor job annoying you all with donation requests for this marathon (which is Sunday). I'll make up for it with the next one in the Spring. Don't worry.

Anyway, it's not too late to donate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give all your money (or $5) to the robots found within this link:

http://www.crowdrise.com/safetyroperuns

In case you're wondering "why should I donate?" to anything Todd does, I advise you to purchase Three Cups of Tea and read it cover to cover. In case you are wondering if there are any great throwback apocalyptic zombie shows on tv these days I recommend you watch The Walking Dead on AMC.

Thanks for all your support!
T. Mali

Oh p.s., I'm running in the Philadelphia Marathon this Sunday. Annoyingly I filled out my projected time honestly and as a result 9000 other marathoners are going to start before I do. I will keep track of how many I pass within an imaginary Excel Spreadsheet that I will be carrying during the run. The update will be provided in the next newsletter, which should drop sometime before whenever.

Week 11

2010-11-16T04:45:00.000-08:00

Busier this week than last week. Don't have a ton of time, but football picks are important. Short week I think, so submit picks before Thursday PM.

Here are the standings:

Zila/Zanonymous: 4
T. Mali: 4
Justin: 1
Tebow: 1

T. Mali is on fire. Zanonymous is choking. Sad, but predictable.

Before submitting picks, I thought this Desean Jackson quote after destroying the Redskins was pretty solid and well-put.

It was a pretty busy weekend and I only watched a quarter of 3 games this weekend: Ravens-Falcons, Giants-Cowboys, Eagles-Redskins, and I listened to two quarters of Bills-Lions!

My picks (with some BS attached):

Bears over Dolphins. This is another one of those if-you-watch-Thursday-games-you'll-need-to-mute-your-television games. I'll probably watch The Walking Dead over and over again instead.

Bengals over Bills. True Story: I listened to the Bills-Lions game on the radio last week. It was exciting. I think I need books on tape.

Cowboys over Lions. Cowboys finish season 7-9.

Titans over Redskins. I feel bad for Donovan McNabb. Eagles fans can hate on him all you want, but you have to remember that he was the scout that convinced the Eagles to bring Vick to Philly (True story).

Chiefs over Cardinals. Although the Chiefs should lose for handshake-snub karma.

Packers over Vikings. Not going to mention a certain quarterback anymore. Packers are the better team.

Texans over Jets.

Steelers over Raiders.

Ravens over Panthers.

Jaguars over Browns.

Rams over Falcons. Upset pick

Saints over Seahawks.

49ers over Buccaneers.

Patriots over Colts. Oh wow, Patriots and Colts isn't the MNF game. Maybe the NFL put the Broncos on MNF instead?!

Giants over Eagles. No way Giants win this game. They couldn't stop Kitna, so why should they stop Vick? Giants can't prevent big plays. Eagles are all about them. Still can't bet against the Giants though because I predict undefeated seasons every year.

Chargers over Broncos. They did pick the Broncos over Patriots-Colts. Well played, NFL! Monday night is free.

Week 10

2010-11-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Busy.

Won again. Zanonymous is in trouble.

Zila/Zanonymous: 4
T. Mali: 3
Justin: 1
Tebow: 1

For whatever reason, there's a Thursday night game. Not a fan of the Thursday night game. Submit picks early like Eli.

Falcons over Ravens.

Bills over Lions.

Vikings over Bears. Ugh.

Jets over Browns.

Colts over Bengals. Rough year for Cincy.

Dolphins over Titans.

Buccaneers over Carolina.

Texans over Jaguars.

Chiefs over Broncos.

Giants over Cowboys.

Seahawks over Cardinals.

Rams over 49ers.

Patriots over Steelers.

Redskins over Eagles.

Football picks Week 9

2010-11-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

I won week 8. Had a pretty dominant week. It also helps that Tex only picked 11 out of 13 games. Zanonymous's lead has been cut in half. Here are the standings:

Zila/Zanonymous: 4
T. Mali: 2
Justin: 1
Tebow: 1

In my efforts to win the Donut Bowl, I encourage you all to not make any picks this week. Thanks.

Week 9 picks.

Atlanta over Tampa Bay

Bills over Bears

Patriots over Browns

Jets over Lions

Vikings over Cardinals

Saints over Panthers

Ravens over Dolphins. Dolphins are 4-0 on the road and 0-3 at home? This one's in Baltimore so I guess Dolphins will be 4-1 on the road, eh?

Chargers over Texans

Giants over Seahawks

Raiders over Chiefs

Eagles over Colts

Packers over Cowboys. Cowboys fall to 1-7

Steelers over Bengals

which witch wins

2010-10-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Torrential down pour
me a beer.

If any of the above is spelled incorrectly I apologeyes. The elephant has wandered into the lions' den. It is about that time. The lion sleeps while awake. The elephant comes in peace to talk about elections and other great irrelevants, irrelevance, rebel ants ramble on as the lion sleeps while awake. As the elephant leaves the lion awakens is awoken by the sound of an elephant leaving. Sad to see you leave a lion awoken thinks when he is awake while sleeping. But I love to watch you go or something along those lions sitting against the glass as the zoo-gazers gaze past at the lion-tamer who is preparing his whip. The lion-tamer whips his whip cracking it with a resounding crack crack crack each crack louder than the first with the exception of the last which is the same as the first since it goes on forever so much of the above said is incorrect. Incorrect or not the lion-tamer was now the center of attention. Lions surround him with little interest of participating but by now they know they won't get fed which means they'll have to eat something they aren't supposed to which results in iLashes flutter with the crack of each whip.

Vote for me the whip announces. The zoo-gazers look on bored. With each whip whap louder than the first whappin whip they have no choice but to do as it says. The zoo-gazers walk away from the glass ready to rock (and vote?).

Football picks week 8

2010-10-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

The good news is I didn't win this week. This is good because the success would go straight to my head and I'd end up broke. Instead Zanonymous Zila won for the fourth time. He is on his way to Vegas for week 8. No one else played in Week 7. You all should be ashamed.

Standings

Zila/Zanonymous: 4
Justin: 1
Tebow: 1
T. Mali: 1

Week 8 picks (Giants are on a bye so there are no guarantees this week):

Bengals over Dolphins

Cowboys over Jaguars. Kitna can beat the Jags, right? Just wild cat to Dez every snap.

Lions over Redskins. Pretty predictable upset.

Chiefs over Bills.

Rams over Panthers.

Packers over Jets.

49ers over Broncos. The two greatest terrible coaches in the NFL go head-to-head. The good news? This game is in London. Well played NFL.

Titans over Chargers. Titans seem to be pretty good. Chargers LT curse continues.

Raiders over Seahawks.

Patriots over Vikings. Favre sits. People freak out.

Cardinals over Buccaneers. Do you know where my buccaneers are?

Saints over Steelers.

Texans over Colts.

Caption: NFL players react to new helmet-to-helmet rules.

Week 7 Picks

2010-10-19T05:34:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty good football picking week last week, so I get the win. I only had to beat one person this week because only Andrew remembered to submit picks, and I barely did. But I'll take this point because Cliff Lee has ruined my life.

Standings:

Zila/Zanonymous: 3
Justin: 1
Tebow: 1
T. Mali: 1

In other sports' related news, I'm pretty bummed out about that Rutgers player who got paralyzed. I think there are links on the Rutgers website where you can send him messages and stuff, which I may or may not do later, but in the end I hope the school does the right thing and takes care of (at least) hospital bills for life.

Week 7 picks:

Bengals over Falcons.

Bears over Redskins.

Eagles over Titans.

Chiefs over Jaguars.

Dolphins over Steelers.

Saints over Browns.

Rams over Buccaneers. RAMS!

49ers over Panthers. Sad situation in Carolina.

Ravens over Bills. Sad situation in Buffalo.

Seahawks over Cardinals.

Broncos over Raiders.

Chargers over Patriots.

Packers over Vikings.

Giants over Cowboys.

BBC pic of the week:

Week 6 Picks

2010-10-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

Zanonymous won again. Stunning.

Standings:

Zila/Zanonymous: 3
Justin: 1
Tebow: 1

Week 6 winner gets to drill off-shore because my football picks blog is always topical.

It's never too late to join in. Submit some picks in a comment. You could win free tickets to this year's Super Bowl(*).

(*)But you probably won't.

Thx.

Mine:

Bears over Seahawks.

Dolphins over Packers.

Chargers way over Rams.

Patriots over Ravens.

Giants over Lions.

Falcons over Eagles.

Steelers over Browns.

Saints over Buccaneers.

Texans over Chiefs.

Broncos over Jets.

49ers over Raiders.

Vikings over Cowboys.

Colts over Redskins.

Jaguars over Titans.

no bbc pic. congrats to the sf giants

Football Picks Week 5

2010-10-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

Man, real busy and lazy. Forgot I have to do posts. Susan Tebow won week 4. She won the prize I mentioned in the week 4 picks post.

Standings:

Zila/Zanonymous: 2
Justin: 1
Tebow: 1

Everyone else: 0

Today's prize is a half-full glass of water. The losers get the empty half. K?

Here we go:

Jags over Bills

Bengals over Bucs

Falcons over Browns

Rams over Lions

Colts over Chiefs. 72 dolphins can do their dumb champagne toast after this one.

Packers over Redskins. Still no extension for #5

Panthers over Bears. Cutler's out with a giant concussion.

Ravens over Broncos. Tebow doesn't play. But will she win football picks again?

Giants over Texans.

Saints over Cardinals. Nice little mess in Arizona.

Cowboys over Titans.

Chargers over Raiders.

49ers over Eaglers.

Vikings over Jets.

BBC pic of the week

Week 4 Football Picks

2010-09-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

Zanonymous won week 3. Everyone is really happy about that. Zila has just claimed that he is Zanonymous. We won't verify and just take his word for it and give him the donut point.

Standings so far:

Zila: 2
Justin: 1

Very exciting.

Week 4 is here already. This week's winner gets a pile of water.

It's never too late to play. Just put the winners in a friendly comment and leave some kudos. Or just post them in a jerkly fashion.

My picks:

Falcons over 49ers. The Singletary era comes to a close. He drops his pants.

Jets over Bills. Apparently Sanchez is now called the Manchise. Weird nickname. Bills stink.

Bengals over Browns. Tricky game.

Packers over Lions. Packers cut the dumb penalties out.

Broncos over Titans.

Rams over Seahawks.

Saints over Panthers. Fox era ends this week. He keeps his pants on.

Ravens over Steelers. Batch botch.

Texans over Raiders.

Colts over Jaguars. Del Rio era comes to a close.

Eagles over Redskins. Vick's first bad game. Eagles win anyway. McNabb air guitars.

Chargers over Cardinals.

Giants over Bears. Giants look terrible and Bears are undefeated. Advantage Giants.

Dolphins over Patriots.

BBC photo of the week:

Caption: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMM BEEP BEEP

Football Picks Week 3

2010-09-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

Justin won last week's picks. I'm a little tired but I'm pretty sure Andrew (Tex) tried sneaking in the Chiefs over Browns pick twice in his picks. I almost counted it twice but I eventually caught it. He almost won the broken lawnmower. Instead Justin will be getting the broken lawnmower in the mail in a couple of hours.

I have thoughts on Mike Vick starting for the Eagles. It was going to be a long-winded blog. But I stopped caring about it. To sum up in 5 words and a contraction: I think it's the right move.

This week the winner will receive a bunch of Sports Illustrated subscription postcards that fall out everytime you try reading the magazine. Maybe I'll throw in some Cosmo subscription postcards too. We'll see.

I've watched a decent amount of football this year. I watched the Monday night game while doing homework and was impressed by the 49ers and the Saints ability to cause turnovers. I was also impressed by how many commercials occur during a football game. I now know that soccer will never catch on in America because the American sports fan needs commercials. So as a bonus, the winner will get a bunch of youtube links for some classic commercials. Think: Shake Weight, Patrick Chewing, and Doublemint gum

Week by weekWins: Zila, Zandrews

Week 3 picks:

Giants over Tennessee. I hate my team, but I still think they'll end up undefeated even though they lost already.

Pittsburgh over Tampa Bay. Who woulda guessed Pittsburgh will be undefeated after Week 3? If Tampa Bay wins, who woulda guessed Tampa Bay would be undefeated after Week 3?

Cincy over Carolina: Clausen's first start will be overshadowed by TO's first TD

Baltimore over Cleveland: Flacco doesn't throw 4 ints

Dallas over Houston: Dallas isn't going 0-3. Houston isn't going 3-0.

San Fran over KC: _____________

Minnesota over Detroit: Detroit seems a lot better than last year, but at the end of the day they are still winless. Detroit rookie RB Best looks like the real deal though.

New England over Buffalo: Brady gets a break since it's the Bills, giving Giselle a few snaps at QB.

New Orleans over Atlanta: New Orleans still seems hungry.

Washington over St. Louis. I seem hungry

Philadelphia over Jacksonville: Kolb weeps on the bench. Team leaves him in Jacksonville in exchange for a couple Gatorade coolers

Oakland over Arizona. Don't expect great QB play in this game.

San Diego over Seattle.

Colts over Denver

Miami over Jets. Jets in Miami is a bad combo. Braylon skips trip because LeBron told him to stay away.

Green Bay over Chicago. With Cutler playing well, this is a pretty cool Monday Night game.

BBC Photo of the week:

Football picks week 2

2010-09-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

Zila won week 1. I don't think it was even close. I got basically every game wrong except the Giants and Texans. Which are the only games that matter, but still. Zila wins an imaginary donut and a pile of nothing else. The week 2 prize is a broken lawnmower and a melted grill. If you fix the lawnmower you have to return it. Pickup only.

Week 2 picks.

The earlier you submit your picks, the better chances you have at absolutely nothing. So play early or go home.

My picks:

Falcons over Cardinals. If we learned anything from week 1, is the Falcons and Matt Ryan are pretty bad. Since we learned this, it is obvious that they will beat the Cardinals, although Whisenhunt is still a good coach.

Bengals over Ravens. Ravens seem pretty good. Bengals seem pretty Bengally. I pick the Bengals unless Ray Lewis murders TO. So I guess this one could go either way.

Chiefs over Browns. Excellent game.

Cowboys over Bears. An 0-2 Cowboys start would be appreciated. It won't happen.

Eagles over Lions. I know people want to pick the Lions. I want to pick the Lions. But I also want Vick to do great. And then I want to see Reid try and start Kolb in Week 3. Then I want to see what happens if Kolb is terrible in Week 3. This is what I want to happen. It starts with an Eagles win on Sunday.

Packers over Bills. A lot to nothing.

Titans over Steelers. Chris Johnson is really good.

Vikings over Dolphins. Favre will bounce back with a better game. D picks off Henne 2 times, one for a score.

Panthers over Buccaneers. As long as Carolina doesn't throw 3 int's into the end zone.

Seahawks over Broncos. Is Seattle good?

Rams over Raiders. I hope St. Louis wins a game this year so I'll pick till they win it.

Patriots over Jets. Still not buying Sanchez.

Jags over Chargers. LT curse.

Redskins over Texans. Texans are my new team, but Washington will figure out how to stop the run better than Indy.

Giants over Colts. Eli plays D on a series and sacks Peyton, LT-Joe Thiesmann style.

Saints over 49ers. Hooray.

here's a picture of some muddy cars

New soccer stuff articles

2010-09-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

Independence

Union

Thanks

Football Picks Week 1 2010

2010-09-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's football season. I'm not thrilled. Also real busy so I have to keep this quick.

If you read my blog(s), you know that for the past 80 years I have held donut bowls. Basically everyone picks the winners of the week's games. The person who gets the most right gets an imaginary donut from each of the week's losers. I usually win every week and then get bored of posting these blogs by week 4 because no one ever participates now that Justin does not work in New Jersey anymore. When he worked in New Jersey all his old coworkers would play and Gary Bridgewater won every week.

This year it took the third week of preseason for me to be completely bored with football. Maybe tonight will be different.
To play, you have to post a comment to this blog with your week's picks. You have to submit this comment before the first game of the week. I will waive this rule for this week since the first game is tonight and I'm sure none of you will read this until next year sometime. So please have picks submitted before this Sunday.

Here are my picks and probably some stupid reasoning for the decision.:

SAINTS over Vikings. Vikings are going to have issues this year because Brett Favre is dumb.

BILLS over Dolphins. Dolphins are way better than the Bills, but I feel that the Bills will win in week 1 to confuse everybody. They'll be 4-12 by the end of the year.

LIONS over Bears. I'm on the Suh bandwagon. Hopefully he rips Cutler's face off.

TITANS over Raiders. Wish I had the NFL ticket so I can still not watch games like this.

BENGALS over Patriots. I don't know if anyone is afraid of Tom Bradybieber anymore.

GIANTS over Panthers. Giants probably will go 16-0 again. Even though they are no different than the 8-8 version of themselves from 09.

FALCONS over Steelers. The good news for Pittsburgh fans is that the likelihood of getting date raped at the game has decreased significantly.

BUCCANEERS over Browns. AWESOME SCHEDULING. Way to get fans on board for at least a week in TB or Cle. Better scheduling would have Miami travel to Cleveland for Week 1.

BRONCOS over Jaguars. Tebow's return to Jacksonville. Very cute.

TEXANS over Colts. Year of the Schaub. My fantasy football QB. Even though I am thankfully not playing fantasy football this year, successfully shooting down only one request this year. Sorry Mason!

RAMS over Cardinals. Whisenhunt is still a good coach so I think Arizona will figure somethings out. But I'm picking St. Louis because I'm half asleep.

EAGLES over Packers. Packers are better than the Eagles. But I'm afraid of upsetting Eagles fans today.

49ERS over Seahawks. Seattle and San Francisco are both dope cities.

DALLAS over Redskins. McNabb plays air guitar.

RAVENS over J-e-t-s. Not buying Sanchez.

CHARGERS over Chiefs. I think...

And here's a picture of some coils of steel wire.

Backup Goalkeeper Knighton Stars in Shutout over Chivas de Guadalajara

2010-09-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

Backup Goalkeeper Knighton Stars in Shutout over Chivas de Guadalajara

Independence clinch playoff spot despite loss

2010-09-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

Independence clinch playoff spot despite loss

Philadelphia Independence

2010-08-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm covering Philadelphia soccer now. I'm covering the Independence for the Examiner.com and the Union for 90:00 magazine. Here is the most recent Independence game recap. Here's a Union recap

Sarah's new venture

2010-08-04T04:52:00.000-07:00

Follow this blog plz:

http://yogavlog.blogspot.com/

Here's a picture of a tiny bird:

Beer(s) of the day(z)

2010-08-02T07:58:00.000-07:00

Sarah and I took Maksim to my parents' houses this weekend. We wanted to take him swimming because he hasn't done that yet. And we figured we needed to take him to New York. In less than three months, he has seen PA, NJ, DE, and now NY. MD will occur over Labor Day and there's a chance of a WA trip in early December. We'll have him in all 50 soon enough. Oh, and Maks is a big fan of swimming. So that's good news.

Sarah has been digging stouts lately. We don't drink as much since we are responsible for taking care of a baby, so when we drink, we prefer something a little different. This weekend we hit up Total Wine and built a six-pack of 22s. Included in the 6 pack were a Southern Tier Creme Brulee Stout and a Well's Banana Bread Ale. Both were good. The STCBS smells super sweet and most people sitting near it go, "Do you smell that?" to which I replied, yeah it's the beer. I liked it a lot. 5 of 5 Netflix stars. Didn't make me feel like I was in a Puerto Rican rain forest. The Banana Bread beer was also dope. Pretty light, and it did make me think I was in a Puerto Rican rain forest. 5 of 5 Netflix stars.

Here's a picture of a guy getting knocked over by a water cannon

When you stick a pencil in a glass of water it appears to bend. (A story about the history of music in NEPA)

2010-07-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

In the days before Wikipedia, a group of pseudo-intellectuals sat around discussing science fiction movies. An ashtray filled with four forgotten lit cigarettes sat on a table that sat in a back room of a diner that was located in an old city in a part of the country you probably have never been to. The conversation was strained because there was no quick way to tell the other that their f-in a$$ had fallen off due to uncontrollable laughter at a joke, most likely their own. In fact in these days there wasn't much laughing because everything didn't need to be funny. The ashtray confirms this as it began to wish that the owners of the cigarette would remember their habit. A song came on the radio. It was one of those songs that doesn't distract the players in this story from interupting their conversation. So it is safe to say this song was not performed by Smashmouth or Chumbawumba. A waitress came for their order.

What can I getcha?

-I'll have a glass of water and 3 pieces of toast, please. And one cup of coffee.

-Make that two coffees. And two waters. No toast for me.

-Coffee and uh, what kind of soup do you have?

Chicken noodle and italian wedding.

-Oh, forget the soup. I'll just have some coffee and a brownie. (This guy decides to wink at the waitress and the waitress ignores it completely).

-Can I order a Spanish omelete? And an orange juice and some Root Beer please?

Any side?

-Oh, maybe just some toast. Lightly toasted. If its burned I'll flip out.

Ok. Anything else? Oh I forgot you, honey.

-I'LL HAVE A BURGER, MEDIUM, AND A SIDE OF COLE SLAW PLEASE.

Everyone stopped what they were doing. All of a sudden everyone noticed that song that had been playing so quietly before.

Dan lied about liking death metal (aka Achievement)

2010-07-30T08:08:00.001-07:00

Dan used to live in a prison cell. He didn't do anything bad, it's just that the prison ran out of money. It wasn't profitable to keep all the criminals locked up anymore, so the prison was forced to shut down. All the criminals went home to commit more phony crimes. Like siphoning gas from the neighbor's Hyundai and swearing loudly at the television while Jeopardy is on. Life is perfect, crimes don't exist. The closed prison was purchased by a crooked landlord and the cells were transformed into apartments. Dan rented one years back.

I visited Dan in that cell once. We had made plans to go see a concert and he suggested that I stop by his place before we went so we could drink a bunch of beers that he didn't need to smuggle into the prison, since it wasn't really a prison. I was hesitant, but I said ok. I showed up at his cell around 6 or 7. He was excited to have company because he just found out that a neighbor down the way hung (or is it hanged) himself (or is it thyself). This was a regular thing evidently and it was starting to depress Dan. I told him that it was a shame, but he shouldn't be too sad about it. We were going to a pretty great concert after all. I think it was an Oil Dragon concert. We loved that band. He quickly forgot the suicide and he started pounding Coors Originals. After about an hour I looked at my watch and realized that we would need to leave soon if we wanted to see the opening bands. I think the opening bands included The Transylmaniacs and The Invisible Gas Mask Theory, who we really wanted to see because we both heard great things. I said, "Dan, we got to leave NOW". He looked at his watch and nodded his head while opening another Coors Original. "We got time for one more beer". Police sirens weren't heard in the distance.

We never made it to the concert that night. Turns out Dan wasn't in the mood for going to see a couple of bands. After about another hour of drinking and talking about life I left. I went to a diner on the other side of town that sat on top of an abandoned cemetary. One day it stopped being profitable to bury the dead, so the cemetary was forced to sell land to developers. I ordered a grilled cheese with french fries and a chocolate milk shake. It was pretty good. Which is generally how I remember most things to be.

Birthday

2010-07-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. Everybody gets pitchforks.

I am 30 today. I am ecstatic. Sarah got me a pretty great running watch. This will help with marathon training. Since getting rid of the gym membership, I have continued to run but I have no way of knowing how far I am actually running. I have a general idea because a solid year on a treadmill has given me a basic understanding of my pace, but it will be nice to not have to estimate. I have to figure out a way to calibrate the watch. Perhaps I will ask Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga? Yes, Lady Gaga. She is making the marathon mix tape because it is hard not to relate to songs about boys eating your heart on a subway.

The songs from The Fame Monster that make the marathon mix tape:

Bad Romance (4:54)
Alejandro (4:34)...Not really that good of a song, but I like making fun of it.
Monster (4:09)

Oh, Maksim got me a great Philadelphia Union pin for my pin collection. This collection is kept on a Natty Light wrist band that is wrapped around my truck's stick shifter. Other pins so far include one for Richmond, VA and the Irish flag. Great collection if you ask me. It only costs $5 to view this exhibit.

He also got me a soccer referee book, so now I can give out proper yellow and red cards whenever needed. The homemade cards that I was using were bunk.

Beach House

2010-07-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

Another CD that was purchased with borrowed money was Beach House's "Teen Dream". I heard them once or twice driving around in my truck on WXPN. I think that radio station had them as an artist of the month, one month. A mental note was made that if I ever get back into music, I would check out a cd. I was a little disappointed after the first listen, so I decided to leave the disc alone for a while. A day later, I am hooked. The whole album is perfect for my marathon mix tape. The music fits my running style perfectly (spacey and slow) so I am sure not to qualify for Boston if I listen to these songs on repeat. The band sounds My Bloody Valentine-y at times, while the vocals bring Nico to mind. pretty good combo. It's tough to separate the album into separate tracks for a mix tape, but I was able to eliminate a couple of songs. The team and a sub remaining:

Zebra: 4:48
Silver Soul: 4:58
Norway: 3:54
Walk in the Park: 5:22
Used to Be: 3:58
10 Mile Stereo: 5:03

The cd was cool because it came with two discs. One disc, wrapped in a blue zebra cd sleeve contained music, while the other, wrapped in a pink zebra cd sleeve contained a DVD.

marathon mix tape continued

2010-07-27T07:09:00.001-07:00

Sarah and I threw a party for ourselves since we both turn 30 in July. Unexpectedly, people brought gifts. Among these gifts was a Best Buy gift card from Shaun (sp?) and Lisa (sp?) for a billion dollars (sp?) (they also got me a super Jonas Bros. Helium Balloon which is super great (sp?))

With this gift card, some musical cds were purchased. I bought the Mumford & Sons CD, "Sigh No More", because I liked their performance on the Jimmy Fallon show. The cd is pretty good. I think it probably will get old fast, but I'll add three songs from it anyway. Mumford & Sons is on regular radio I believe and they sound punky w/ banjoes. Vocals sound like the Irish dude from Once, but not as whiney. That's my expert analysis. They don't have a drummer, but instead the main dude kicks a kick drum while guitarrin and singin. Now that they are bigger, they might want to hire a drummer. But I guess whatever works for you is also good.

Tracks added:

Sign No More (3:27)
The Cave (3:38)
Little Lion Man (4:07)

In other news, David Kahn just traded for Delonte West and Sebastian Telfair. This offseason, Kahn has signed or traded for Darko, Telfair/West, and Michael Beasely. Awful. Too bad I will be forced to watch this team because I want to follow Wes Johnson's pro career.

Knives and necks, the yes-hitter.

2010-07-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

I didn't have that dream where I couldn't run after you. At the same time I didn't have the dream where I couldn't run away. I didn't have the dream where I couldn't yell out your name because my vocal chords were replaced with turkey wish bones in a back alley operation performed by amateur surgeons armed with nothing but salvation army knives and dental floss. A call for help in this dream resulted in a thousand dentists running. So I take this as a good sign that these dreams weren't dreamt. If I did have these dreams my own personal I had a dream speech would seem sort of depressing. An endless baseball game where your team's last remaining pitcher is the infamous hurler of the eternal yes-hitter. Instead, I would begin by saying that I had a dream but I only remember the ending, but that ending was real nice. The judge judged accordingly and everyone got to go home.

Gogol Bordello

2010-07-23T09:16:00.001-07:00

Ryan made a good point about Nick Cave songs not really being good running songs. While they will stay on the mix tape, I decided to find something with more of a tempo. The next two songs will be from Gogol Bordello, the gimmicky Gypsy Punk band from Ukraine and NYC.

Tracks:

Wonderlust King (Time: 3:58)
American Wedding (Time: 3:38)

Both of these tracks are off the Super Taranta! album.
These tracks will hopefully come on during my kick.

Marathon mix tape

2010-07-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

In preparation for this November's marathon, I have decided to try and listen to music again. I've been anti-music for a while now, because I have difficulty figuring out how and where to listen to music. I rather read on the train, and I don't like running with music because I have to pay attention to cars and WMDs. This limits music listening. I try to listen to music at work every now and again, but everything I listen to is pretty terrible.

This will change though. I'm going to stop riding the train next week because I am going to have to start picking up Maksim from grandmom's house after work. Since I will be in the car more the opportunity for music listening will increase. I am excited about it. I can teach Maksim all about how great albums such as Murder Ballads are. I'm going to buy so many new cds. Or I will use Sarah's pink iPod. I also plan to make a new marathon mix, since listening to music was enjoyable during the last marathon, although I couldn't figure out how to listen to music in a non-alphabetized manner.

The first two songs to make the cut the marathon set list:

Where the Wild Roses Grow (Nick Cave featuring Kylie Minogue. Time: 3:57)
Death Is Not the End (Nick Cave I believe covering a Bob Dylan song Time: 4:27)

Both of the songs are on the Murder Ballads album. The whole album was close to making the marathon set list, but I figured I couldn't put a whole album on a mix tape! I just can't do it! It wouldn't be fair to the other jokers making music.

If you have any suggestions, let me know. I'm interested in getting back into music.

Thanks!

hats

2010-07-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

If you are like me, then you know what a pain it is to travel without ruining your two favorite baseball hats. One of the biggest problems I have had over the years when traveling is packing and eventually ruining my green and red Yankee hats. There is not an easy way to pack two hats. Put them in your suitcase? They'll get smashed. Put them in your carry-on bag. Smashed. Put them in your jean jacket pockets. SMASHED! Wear them on your head? Can't. I usually travel with the Pink yankee hat on and three hats on a head looks foolish. I've considered UPSing them to the hotel but I need to wear the red at dinner and the green in the restroom. Always need my two extra hats at arms length.

Annoying.

Until NOW!

Introducing the New Era Two pack Cap Carrier! It is only $24.95. AWESOME!

50 states

2010-07-20T08:05:00.001-07:00

On the drive over to her dad's house to celebrate her birthday, Sarah and I were discussing life goals. Among these goals, which include selling the house and getting rich, I told her that it was necessary for me to join the 50 states marathon club http://www.50statesmarathonclub.com/50dc/index.html. I thought it would be fun because it would give us a chance to do a mini-family vacation from time to time in a new state. It will be fun except when we have to go to North Dakota. Fargo jokes are not really funny anymore.

I have only run one marathon so far, and unfortunately it does not count towards one of the 50 states. I ran the SunTrust National Marathon this past March and it is probably the only marathon in the country that doesn't count. Here are the list of rules: http://www.50statesmarathonclub.com/50dc/rules.html . It says: 1. The Marine Corps Marathon counts as Virginia because it starts and ends in Virginia. Additionally, the National Marathon and/or Washington DC Marathon, which begin and end inside DC do not count towards the state count because the District of Columbia is not a state. Woops.

The next marathon I will run is the Philadelphia Marathon on November 21st. Philadelphia will hopefully count towards Pennsylvania. I'll try to do two marathons a year until Maksim and his future brothers and sisters get bigger and the PhD is done. After that I will try and finish 3 or 4 a year. I will give myself a deadline of November 21st, 2035.

Here is a picture of something:

party info

2010-07-19T06:45:00.001-07:00

Sarah and I are hazzing people over on Saturday. Feel free to stop by. Attached is a wonderful flyer I just made. Bring a fishing rod if you would like. I can point you in the direction of a stream.

Other things to tell you. Jean shorts are required. Black denim preferred, unless you can find shorts that have looney tune patches or patches of all of the teams in the NBA. If you fashion shorts out of a starter jacket, I will waive the denim requirement.

Other things that are probably good to tell you. Food will be provided I think, and maybe some beer, but you're better off bringing what you want to drink. I bought a 6 pack of Foster's the other day because I was feeling Australian. That beer is crap. There are 5 bottles of that left, so FIRST COME FIRST SERVE. We don't have parking, but the bar across the street does. You can park there or we can figure out another place for you to park. I will talk to the bar though and let them know people are coming in jean shorts. They may ask for you to park behind the bar. That's fine too.

Oh, the thing starts at 3 and it will go on for a few hours, but I will ask you to leave if you fail my state capitol quiz that will occur spontaneously and frequently. So I'd recommend you all study your state capitols. The state capitol of Pennsylvania is Harrisburg, although I will accept the answer of Aston.

Any questions, plz feel free to email or text me. I will not answer phone calls prior to Saturday.

New York Knicks are BACK!!!!

2010-07-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

This offseason was supposed to be the offseason that got the Knicks back on the basketball map. I think that it is safe to say they did that and more. Let me explain.

If they could not get LeBron, they could always resort to Plan B, which for the Knicks was evidently a brilliant plan to get rid of their best player for a new player that plays the same position, is more expensive, more prone to be injured, has a history of clashing with the current coach, and is not significantly better than the player who was moved in the first place. I know what you're thinking. That Plan B sounds better than most teams Plan A's. Well it is. And they weren't done there!

Trading David Lee for three great Golden State Warriors, two guys with great potential and the third being an undersized center with a heart condition, so you can overpay Amar'e Stoudemire is just one of the reasons I am a die-hard Knicks fan. What other organization pulls off such great moves? While the fact that David Lee averaged 20 points and 12 rebounds last year is nice, he unfortunately has never had microfracture knee surgery. Amar'e has. Thanks for nothing DLee! This surgery proves that Amar'e is better.

I know what you're thinking. The Miami Heat signed three superstars and the Knicks only got one. Well, don't forget, the Knicks traded away all their first round picks in this draft and the next couple of drafts, to eliminate any chance of them winning a lottery to draft a franchise-type player like Patrick Ewing, Kevin Durant, or LeBron James. Instead the Knicks capitalized on their second round picks by drafting Andy Rautins, and in doing so proved experts wrong who thought that he would go undrafted, and with their other pick they selected another player that no one in the world has ever heard of. But besides, the Knicks just signed Timofey Mozgov to play center. Yes, that Timofey Mozgov. The Timofey Mozgov who dominated the Russian league last year by averaging 7.5 points, 4.8 rebounds, and 1.0 blocks in 32 games. Everyone knows that when converting this to the NBA currency, you get 1.3 points, 0.7 rebounds, and 0 blocks in 14 games.

So now, with Stoudemire and Mozgov, the Knicks have their two stars. They need a third. AND THEY DO! The last great move the Knicks made was signing stellar point guard, Raymond Felton. On Felton, D'Antoni states: "We added a quality point guard who played in the playoffs last year, so it is really very exciting." He fails to mention that the Bobcats were swept out of the playoffs, but at the end of the day both LeBron and Felton have zero rings so it is still too early to tell who is the better player.

Here's to another great season of tanking I mean fighting for the playoffs! See you again next year when the Knicks fail to sign Carmelo Anthony because of the guaranteed lockout.

2 kudos from Johnny

2010-07-16T07:21:00.001-07:00

I don't understand blogger or blogspot. I don't know why I can't understand, but right now it is real confusing for me. I can't find the kudos button. and this is sad. Hopefully this bear will dance for you:

I'm giving blood today in a few minutes. In exactly 126 minutes (@ the time of this typing, not @ the time this was posted). That probably is a lot more than a few minutes. Unless you are the one who needs the blood. Then that doesn't seem like a lot at all.

Speaking of important things, Ocho Cinco tweeted that he was playing slots in Vegas in his underwear. He also included a picture. I'll post this picture as well:

He needs to win so he can buy some clothes.

That's about it for now. I bought M.I.A's new cd. It has a lyric that goes "The head bone is connected to the head phone. The head phone is connected to the iPhone. The iPhone is connected to the internet connected to the google connected to the government." Thought that lyric was relevant...SINCE...this blog is connected to the government as well. It's the last thing O'bama reads at night before he goes to sleep. Well. He doesn't actually read it. It is read to him by a giant shark.

I have been asked to participate in an art show that is currently called "Lumberjacks in Tuxedos". I have respectfully accepted.

For the Russians ;-)

2010-06-30T05:44:00.000-07:00

Instructions: Read this blog a lot of times to find out what really happened when Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh got together the other day. K?

When it rains a lot I drill holes in my backyard hoping to find off-shore oil.LEBRON I don't have a permit for this...yet...but one day I will.JAMES Perhaps I will find a permit the same time I strike oil. While I don't have a permit, I do have a disaster plan in place. My first plan is to pretend nothing happened. If my neighbors question the sludge making their way from my yard to their yards I will then say, Oh it will go away in a day. TO If they come back after two days and say, It's getting worse, I will say KNICKS: OK, I'll take care of it.

Since I don't expect there to be a problem, I feel I don't really need a plan in place if it gets worse than described above. WADE But since I need to be prepared for all scenarios, this is what I will do. First I will try to sell the house. I will hide the leaking oil out back with a series of tarps that will be purchased from Home Depot. STAYS If the home buyer asks what is under the tarps, I will say "What tarps?" and distract them by showing them how well the garden hose works.

If the house doesn't sell after two or three months, I will resort to WHO plan x. CARES I will fill the hole with leaves from the tree. This plan is easiest during the fall. If it is not the fall when this occurs, we will unfortunately ABOUT have to wait until the fall. Leaves generally don't fall in other BOSH? seasons.

You may be wondering about the animals. ANY While I don't know what to do about the animals indigenous to the area, such as squirrels and ants, I do know how to take care of any otters or dinosaurs that might be affected QUESTIONS by my leaky well. POKE Otters like throwing garbage into Canadian rivers, so I will be sure to ME take a bunch of garbage cans and place them very far from the oil spill. ON All the dinosaurs will be given FACEBOOK Hazmat suits since it is tough to control dinosaurs.

Aliveness. A photoless photo essay with photos

2010-06-29T07:02:00.000-07:00

In under 24 hours we will all be a little bit taller. How is this possible? I'll explain in a minute. But regardless of how, it is obvious that the statement itself is true. It is true because it is written in an old book that on June 30th, 2010 every alive being will get taller. The book's oldness self-verifies its being truthful. It does not matter that the book is found in the Fiction section in some bookstores. What was fiction a billion years ago is nonfiction today. Everyone knows this. Some bookstore owners are just too lazy to reorganize. For this sin they will be the only alive beings to not grow taller tomorrow.

This mysterious book that was mentioned in the previous paragraph was written a long time ago in a far away land. It was found by people who look for stuff in the dirt. These people, who look in the dirt, are usually looking for bones, books, oil, runaways, etc. It should be of no concern that the gentlemen who found this book were all real tiny. Although it is slightly troubling to think that these tiny people would happen to find an old book that predicts height in the future,in the exact spot they were digging. Maybe this is more than slightly troubling. Maybe it was a set up.

Further analysis of the book shows that in order for alive beings to get taller on the date I mentioned in the fourth sentence of paragraph #1 the book finders had to do a bunch of things. To write up all the requirements would take a long time for promised growth and I don't feel like recapping everything. The book is available in stores, either in the nonfiction or fiction section depending on the owner's motivation, so you are free to purchase it for yourself to read all about it. To sum it up, the finders had to do good stuff and not do bad stuff. The book outlined what was good and what was bad. Brushing your teeth fell under good. Decapitation by ax fell under bad. The book isn't clear on if it is acceptable to decapitate non-teeth brushers with an ax. Some readers thought it was ok to do so. Others were not so sure. Both used evidence from the book to support their interpretation. The result was not pretty.

If promised height was not enough motivation, the book also introduced the warning that failure to meet the requirements will result in a mass-shrinking on the 30th of June, year 2010. The introduction of this threat, which is found on page 57 of the third edition, was necessary, because without it, the taller members of the population would not have been motivated to meet the requirements because the promise of increased height was not enticing to them. As far as they were concerned, they were plenty tall. But introducing the threat of decreasing in size put everybody on the same page. Gotta meet these requirements.

And that they did. Don't be surprised if your pants seem a little shorter tomorrow.

Eye twitch

2010-06-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

My eye has been twitching for a couple of days now. It is pretty annoying. If I had to rank the annoyance on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd easily give it an 8.

I'm overdue on the Maksim blog. I'll do that when I find sometime, but for now let me just say he is awesome. He already stands and walks around and he is just over a month old. Yesterday he wanted to drive to New Jersey. But then I told him about the left turn deal. He's not into jug handles so he opted to sit in the swing instead.

I ran in the woods with James on Sunday. He is fresh off some 50 mile race where he placed in the top 10. That is pretty good. We ran for about an hour and a half along some trails within Ridley Creek State Park. I had to use the restroom at one point because my Cocoa Puffs weren't sitting well in my stomach. The restroom in this sad story happened to be a tree. Thankfully James runs with toilet paper.

I wonder if that is why the eye twitch has started. I was probably bit by a poisonous spider.

Broad Street diary

2010-05-06T11:54:00.001-07:00

I was sitting around earlier this year with Sarah, Scoot Jackson, and O'Regan. We were watching the Philadelphia Union play their very first MLS game against the Seattle Sounders and we were also talking about babies and free dirt, among other topics. Then the conversation turned to the Broad Street Run and we all agreed that we would sign up.

I had no desire to run the Broad Street this year because I ran it last year and it is pretty close to Fancy's due date. But since Coleman and O'Regan were in, I decided I would do it. For those of you who don't know, the Broad Street Run is an annual 10-mile run in Philadelphia. The race starts at Broad and Olney and goes south to the Naval Yard. There are no turns. And there are no hills. It is a straight run. A straight run for ten miles. It is more or less like running on a treadmill with 30,000 other people. Everybody who lives in Philadelphia does it at least once. In my case I did it twice.

I sort of downplayed the Broad Street Run this year. With the completion and near-victory of my first ever marathon fresh in my mind, I figured that I didn't need to train too hard to beat my previous time of 1.30.48, because 10 miles is 16.2 miles shorter than the marathon I just (almost) won. I also figured that I didn't need to use the ol' anti-chafe stick under my shirt. Both of these assumptions would destroy me.

I showed up to the marathon this year not as early as normal. Instead of showing up 5 hours early, I only got there 2 hours early. I parked at Citizens Bank Park, boarded the Broad Street Line, and headed north. At Olney, I decided to walk around the hood. It was fun and gross. 30,000 runners and 100 or so port-o-john's does not equal success. 30,000 runners and abandoned buildings equals something else entirely. I was not letting anyone take the tissues I had jammed into my pocket.

I didn't see Scoot or O'Regan, and I am not sure if they ran or not. I'm pretty sure Scoot is still stuck in Iceland. Whatever it was, I did see Mark from college. We talked for a minute about how we always run into each other at random times, and then I went wandering deeper into the hood. After a good hood walk, I decided to get to my corrall and get down to business.

While waiting for the gun, I did my stretches, which basically consist of tying my shoes. Mayor Michael Nutter did his talking, the wheel chairers and the elites were sent off, and then eventually I was standing at the starting line. That's when I realized it was hot. For the first time I wish I ran a little more post-marathon. The gun goes off, and away I go. At mile 1, I threw my water bottle into a trash can and tried dodging the walking geniuses that started in faster corrals. At mile 2, I was sweating. Luckily, the city was kind enough to open all the Broad Street fire hydrants, and there were water stops every mile. I think 35 people needed medical attention during the race, which seems like a high number for a ten mile race. But it was honestly hot. I myself needed medical attention as my shirt was showing blood around the left nipple region. Gross! Shoulda used anti-chafe. My original goal of knocking ten minutes off my time was not achieved. Instead I settled for an underwhelming 1.27.45. I got back to my car after grabbing a pretzel and a Skinny Water (THAT'S RIGHT) and scooted on home to mow the lawn.

Next race: Victory Brewery 5K. End of May.

Marathon Recap

2010-03-22T12:24:00.001-07:00

I finished my first marathon this past Saturday on a pretty dope Spring day in the nation’s capital (Ashkhabad, I mean Washington DC). While I wasn’t sure what to expect, the experience was definitely cooler than I could have imagined. I wouldn’t rank it as high as major life changing events like getting married or finding out that we’re having a kid. It also falls lower than such significant events as witnessing Helmet Catch or getting drunk on a boat and then jumping into the ocean off a rope swing while the Venezuelan Coast Guard laughs at you before their shift ends and they are forced to go home and watch 8 hours of Chavez TV. But I would rank completing a marathon on the third tier, alongside Sam’s Choice intramural basketball team’s improbable playoff win over the #1 seed in the 2002 League C Championships.

The only reason I wanted to run a marathon was because people said it was a bad idea. I like the idea of “crazy” even though a marathon is not really all that crazy. There are many things that outrank a marathon on the crazy scale such as hanging out with Ben Roethlisberger or playing racquetball blindfolded. I remember conversations with Unky Joe telling me that it’s stupid to run a marathon. He’d then tell me about his friends who went through all sorts of issues after completing a marathon, from blisters to ulcers to dehydration and vomiting to other stuff that I can’t remember. He then would add, why don’t you run two half-marathons instead? I probably said yeah, that’s a good idea, and then thought ok, definitely running a marathon now. Besides I’m used to the awful feelings associated with doing fun things, since I’d say one-third of my life was committed to getting as drunk as possible. It was this dedication to drinking, along with the terrible hangovers that followed, that told me that running a marathon was absolutely necessary and definitely tolerable. In retrospect, the post-marathon death-feeling wouldn’t come close to cracking my top 10 list of worst hangovers.

I wanted to run the Philly marathon in November this past fall after finishing the Philly half in September or October but Sarah said nah, you should train more. That made sense since the half marathon marked the longest distance I had run to that point, so to figure out double the distance in under two months would have been difficult. So I decided to look for a local Spring race that wasn’t in May because running a marathon before driving Sarah to The Birth Center seemed like an all-time bad idea, so I figured March was good. The two localest marathons were Virginia Beach St. Patrick’s or the DC National. I chose DC because it was closer, and after spending a billion dollars, I was registered.

The next step was figuring out the best way to train for it, so I decided to read an article or two in Runner’s World. I decided on the training program that had a couple days off in the week. Running more than 5 days in a week is not necessary and probably even bad for training because your muscles need to recoup or something. Maybe that’s true. I believe it and away I went. The only thing I remember from my training program was to take two days off. The rest said something about interval training and occasional cross trainings, so I decided I would just run every day until I got bored or tired. I decided that it was important to run a long distance each week. The next week you would try to run farther. The third week you’d chill a little bit. Then the fourth week you’d run longer again. Excellent plan.
In addition, I consulted some of my friends who have run marathons in the past for their advice. Chris, the 100 miler in the group, offered me a pretty specific plan. He said I needed to hit a certain amount of miles in a week before a certain date. It was pretty intimidating. But he runs 50 and 100 mile races, so I figured he was a little bit too tough. James and Ronit also had some training tips that I ignored. As the weeks wore on, James dumbed it down for me and told me to hit 20 miles by the end of February (the race was March 20th) and I left it at that. I decided 17 was sufficient. Ronit gave me some good diet tips which included, double up on bananas the week of the race and eat lots of salt to help retain water. She also told me to drink a bunch of water (what Sarah calls a “Slam Dunk”) and a Gatorade the night before and the morning of. She also told me to make sure I get water/Gatorade at each of the water stops for the first half of the marathon. I did this happily as I made a game of seeing how much Powerade I could pour on my stupid shirt. It turns out I am awesome at spilling shit.

With excellent training and diet behind me, not to mention incredible flexibility due to the fact that I am married to a yoga instructor, I was all set. I got down to DC the night before and hung out on the Metro. On the way down I realized I forgot to pack my race shirt, which was going to be an Alaskan Brewery shirt. This was the greatest mistake I could make because I was forced to one of those lame-ass running shirts (highlighter yellow) at the marathon expo. Thanks to this shirt, and good use of the anti-chaffing stick, my nerps did not blerd. These running shirts, along with anti-blister socks (spent $11 on one pair of Nikes), applying anti-chaf between your toes, and making sure your shoe size is the size you are supposed to be wearing (I wore 11s for half the year when I was definitely a size 12) are the only advice I can give you on how to not be messed up during/after the marathon. Another tip would be to learn about stretching, which I have not done yet, because my hamstring screwed up at about mile 22, which I could have prevented since being married to a yoga instructor is not the same thing as doing yoga. The hydration and use of Gu also helped avoid dehydration related headaches and actual dehydration. Yet another tip would be to absolutely read Born to Run by Christopher Macdougall. That book is dope.

Damn this is longer than I wanted it to be already. The race itself was fun. It started at 7, so I decided to wake up at 4, so I can get there by 5:30, so I can make a game while waiting for the race to start at the DC Armory. The game was “Let’s see how many bathrooms I can find and use.” The answer is all of them. I found the employees only bathroom. It said authorized personnel only behind this point. I decided that I was authorized and did my thing in peace. The other bathrooms were super crowded. Runners are a foul bunch. At 7, the race started. I was a little nervous, but I was annoyed because while lining up I realized I had to pee again even though I went 45 times already. I decided I’d just start running and the urine would just sweat itself out. This plan failed miserably, and the first 9 miles were spent wondering if I could die from not allowing myself to use the restroom. The answer of course is yes you definitely can, as water intoxication has taken the lives of many shock jock radio game show contestants (hold your wee for a wii). At mile 9 I thought it’d be good to take a whiz, so I stopped and waiting for a nasty port-a-potty. I picked the right line behind a couple of guys who only needed to do some standing, so I was in and out after only about a minute wait. The bad part about taking this piss was that I spent the first 9 miles worrying about having to take a piss which conveniently distracted me from the distance that still needed to be covered. So when I started running I was annoyed because I still had 17.2 miles to go, which was .2 longer than the longest I had ever run before. So this is when I started to just run and space out. I think I sort of hit that runner’s high at some point as my thoughts started going back and forth between Sarah, Fancy (our soon to be born baby) and God. I remember thinking that it’d be cool for Fancy to be able to say that his/her dad ran a marathon, but then I hoped Fancy wouldn’t be mad that I wasn’t breaking 4 hours (original goal that I gave up on after the pit stop). I’ll try and run a sub-4 marathon in the Fall so Fancy can be all, “Yeah dad got a sub-4”. I also need to lower my time in the event that Fancy decides to run because I always need to have a good I remember when story to bore the kid with. At mile 16, I thought of Sarah’s triumphant Broad Street Run adventure last year when she decided to run the day before, even though she hadn’t been running. She ran the whole thing without any running training, so I figured the last 10 miles would manageable. They surprisingly were. The only issue was the hamstring thing at mile 22. James told me afterwards that he brings aspirins on his runs, so I’ll probably do that next time. F it all. The last mile of the race, I turned off the iPod and listened to the crowd which made the whole thing worth it. I remember running with the right leg that wouldn’t bend anymore and finished feeling pretty damn excited. All in all, I’d rank the experience as a solid 5 out of 5 Netflix stars.

I thought that the marathon would decide if I was going to continue with running or if I’d have my fix and retire to a wonderful hobby-life of making model boats. Two days after the race, I’m feeling ready to go again, so I’m deciding on whether I should try and go faster or farther. I think I’ll opt for farther (maybe further) and sign up for a 50-K. So hang on Fancy, you’re going for a ride.

TTYL,
T. mali

Cupcake Pebbles

2010-03-17T12:10:00.001-07:00

So Sarah and I are chilling at Giant last night, walking around, throwing some food into a basket on wheels to hold it until we want to give it to a person who will take it and then ask us for a lot of money to give it back to us. Weird, I know. Why not just avoid the middle man and take it straight to your car? There really isn't much fun in handing this money over to me. Maybe some people get a kick out of it. To each their own. So we're chilling, walking down the cereal aisle, talking about the new Wheaties and how Kevin Garnett is kind of cool because he always blocks after the whistle shot attempts by the other team. Always. Time out will be called, teams will be walking to their huddles, someone on the other team might try to get a practice shot in, and Garnett will stop what he is doing, sprint to the rim and block the shot. I never knew he did this before this weekend. Now that I know he has done this since he's been in the league he has become a player who I never liked post-Timberwolves to a player who I definitely like. Sarah is listening to my Garnett adoration when we both kind of see it. It's one of the cereals that makes you do one of these:

Sarah goes "You're gonna buy that, aren't you?"

I go, well I'm not a Fruity Pebbles fan, but Yes. I will have to buy this. The cereal? Cupcake Pebbles!

Awesome. Needed that cereal. We also bought the Garnett sponsored new Wheaties (I think it's called Fuel) since we only had the Peyton Manning sponsored version at home. Unfortunately I must report that Cupcake Pebbles are really not that great. They are far from necessary. If you are looking for an exciting new cereal, I highly recommend Chocolate Cheerios. They are basically Cocoa Krispies, but in the shape of Cheerios.

Cereal is important. I grew up in a pro-cereal household. Bob, my stepdad, always had a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch on hand. It was his go to second half Knicks game snack of choice. I was always jealous of this snack. "Can I have some?" "Absolutely not. This is my snack." He would then eat the entire box during the rest of the game. I had to settle for a Kudos bar or some Gushers or something. I never understood this cereal obsession of his until much later when I learned about the side effects of marijuana. Eating a box of CTC in a sitting is like paying for groceries, I guess. You do it because you have to.

2010 NCAA Men's Tournament (Play-in and 1st Round)

2010-03-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

Like just about everybody else in the country, I'm picking Winthrop over Arkansas-Pine Bluff in tonight's play-in game. This means you should probably bet on A-PB tonight, because I generally get the play-in game wrong.

A quick note on the NCAA tournament: Do not expand the tournament to 96 teams. The only reason top programs/coaches say they are in favor of this is because they want to make their non-conference regular season schedule even easier than the joke that it already is. In a 96 team format, teams such as Virginia Tech would get into the tournament even though they played nobody (except Temple, who they lost to)prior to conference play starting in January. Keeping Virginia Tech out of the tournament because of its lame non-conference schedule is possibly the only thing that the selection committee got right this year.

Quick thoughts on the regions:

Midwest: At first I thought the East was more stacked, but Mason corrected me and told me to look again. This region is insane, even though it is supposed to be the least insane since the overall #1, Kansas is represented in this region. This team has the best #1 seed, Kansas, the best #2 seed Ohio State (who also has the most dangerous tournament player in Evan Turner), and the hottest #3 seed in Georgetown. An argument could be made for Maryland being the best #4 seed since they have a player similar to Turner who can take over a game at any time in Greivis Vasquez, but I like Wisconsin a little better just because coach Bo Ryan preaches defense and he has Aston, PA roots, and Vanderbilt is also solid in the West. Michigan State had a down year and ended up as a #5 seed, but coach Tom Izzo doesn't get going until March anyway. The #6 seed is one of two teams that beat Kansas this year. The other? Oklahoma State who is the #7 seed. That's messed up. Brutal region. The winner of this region should be the national champion.
My pick for the final four: Ohio State.

East: Kentucky is the second best team in the country and this region's #1. This region should be the second easiest, but instead it is the second most stacked. It has the toughest 8/9 game in Wake Forest/Texas, and if Texas advances it has a good chance at knocking Kentucky out in round 2. I'm pretty sure Texas was #1 in the country about six weeks ago. This region has the country's most pissed off team in West Virginia who should ride their Big East tournament win pretty far. I also like Temple in this region, but they got screwed with their seeding as a 5, and they play the tournament's toughest #12 (Cornell), and then they play Aston, PA's pride and joy in a potential Round 2 match-up against Wisconsin. I have Temple in the Sweet 16, but then running out of gas against John Wall and Kentucky in the Regionals.
My pick for the final four: Kentucky

West: Syracuse, who I picked to win it all...although I pick them to win it all in the years they aren't even in the tournament, are in trouble if Arinze Onuaku is hurt. He hurt his leg in the Big East tournament game vs. Georgetown. I'm not sure the status of his leg as my phone calls to him have gone unreturned. This has been the best regular season Syracuse has had in this decade and it would be nice to cap it off with a nice tourney run, but I think the 7 man rotation that Boeheim uses is going to be a little gassed. I wouldn't even count Vermont out in round 1 as Syracuse has the wonderful ability to play to the level of their opponent at all times (reference pre-season loss to Division II Le Moyne in a game they played full strength). The week 2 matchup vs either Florida State or Gonzaga is also difficult. The rest of the region confuses me. Kansas State, Pittsburgh (one of 3 teams to beat Syracuse this year), Vanderbilt, and Butler (should have been higher) are a solid 2,3,4, and 5, but this region is not nearly as tough as it should be, since Syracuse was the fourth #1.
My pick for the final four: Syracuse

South: This is the WTF region. It is so incredibly horrible, I am considering a boycott. Duke deserves a #1 and they are a strange Duke team since they have a toughness that should gear them for a deeper tournament run than has been the case in years past. They will lose to Louisville in Round 2 though. Duke's year was strange as they finally scheduled some tough non-conference games, including games against Wisconsin, Georgetown, and UConn which they lost two of. Once Duke loses to Louisville it's anybody's region to win. Texas A&M is a real good 5, and the #7 Richmond vs. #10 Saint Mary's game is awesome. Villanova should not have been a #2. That isn't a big deal though. What is a big deal is why they are in this region. Ohio State should have been the #2 in this region and Georgetown should have been the #3. Purdue is a literally hurting #4 as their best player has been out for a couple of weeks. Duke getting this region is the equivalent of David Stern bending the Knicks envelope in the Ewing draft lottery. My pick for the final four is Notre Dame who I absolutely hate, but they win by default. I hate Notre Dame. Luke Harangody is my least favorite player on the planet. I see him coming up big though and ND will continue its end of the season roll in beating Old Dominion, Baylor, Villanova, Texas A&M before falling to Kentucky in the semi-finals. Compare those teams with the Ohio State's potential road: Georgia Tech, Georgetown, Kansas. Weird. My final four pick: Notre Dame

Chances of being correct: 50%

While procrastinating I realigned baseball

2010-03-10T17:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Selig,

Our first baby is going to be born in under two months from now (you're welcome to come to the open house/baby shower if you'd like, as long as you don't make a speech). I have four papers due by the end of the month. I have to run my first marathon in ten days. I have about four phone calls from friends and family that I need to return. I have kitty litter to scoop. I have to catch up on last night's episode of Lost. There is a lot to do. In order to get to these things I need to first write this letter to you that you will probably not read so I can stop thinking about it. However if you do read this letter, you will see that your special committee to fix baseball is no longer needed. Since it is highly unlikely that a salary cap will ever be agreed upon, I will do what I can to fix baseball and make it as fair of a game as it can be in a capless world for all the little children in all of the cities in this great land of ours.

My co-worker Mr. Hall sent me a link to an article on Sports Illustrated by Mr. Verducci. The purpose of this article was to alert us fans about your special committee that was going to analyze the game of baseball. This committee would brainstorm many ideas on how to fix America's (and Toronto's) game. Mr. Verducci reported that one of the things that would be considered is a realignment that could potentially be adjusted every year depending on pay roll, success, and a team's commitment to competing (which made me laugh for a good solid minute). While I understand that this is just an idea that is thrown out in a brainstorm, there are aspects of it that could work and should be applied for the 2012 season.

Before I get to realignment, I'd like to quickly address a couple of things that need fixing. Stop making the All-Star game determine the home field for the World Series. This idea has failed miserably. To make players have some incentive to play hard in this game, simply make the participating bonus higher for the winning team. Another quick point that I'd like to address is please do not expand the use of instant replay. The home run instant replay is ok and we will leave that in place. Do not put add anymore instant replays. To make umpiring better, please analyze the events seen in the NFL Scouting Combine. Umpires should be able to complete these skill challenges under a to be determined mark. If they can't, they will not be allowed to blow meaningful calls in a playoff series (reference the Yankees-Twins 2009 divisional round series.)

It has been brought to my attention for the past 15 years that baseball has not been very fair. As a Yankees fan living in Philadelphia I naturally tend to ignore these claims, but I have decided to keep an open mind recently and acknowledge that the Yankees high payroll allows their players to buy the best performance-enhancing drugs money can buy. I'm pretty sure that even Mr. Zila can acknowledge that there is an element of unfairness in Major League Baseball today. In order to establish my new, and slightly Marxist, realignment, it will require a final ruling on the use of the DH.

The fact that there is a DH in one league and not a DH in the other league makes MLB the stupidest sport on the planet when it comes to determining a true champion. Having a DH or not having a DH completely affects how you manage your game. It also determines how you build your roster. To require a team to play 162+ games one way, and then to suddenly require them to change to the other league's style of play for 3 or 4 games in the most meaningful series, the World Series is absolutely absurd. No other professional sport has anything like this. To make a comparison, it would be like saying that in the NFL, only AFC teams are allowed to have kickers on their roster. In the NFC, you are not allowed to carry a kicker on your team. You would require the quarterback to make all kicks and punts. Even college football's BCS makes more sense in determining a champion, because at least the two teams determined by a robot are prepared to play the same game.

Once you, the owner's, and the player's get over yourself and add or subtract the DH permanently from the game, we can begin to seriously discuss a realignment. Out of all the realignment models that I have seen, Fox Sports Mr. Rosenthal presents the best model which I have tweaked slightly. I have also added names to the divisions. Here it is:

EAST

Clemente Division:
Yanks
Mets
Orioles
BJs
Nats

Koufax Division:
Red Sox
Reds
Phillies
Pirates
Marlins

Ruth Division:
Twins
Tigers
Indians
Rays
Braves

WEST

Mays Division:
Seattle
Giants
A's
Dodgers
Angels

Robinson Division:
Royals
Padres
Cardinals
Cubs
Brewers

Aaron Division:
Rangers
white sox
Diamondbacks
Rockies
Astros

The 162 schedule would stay in tact and it would be broken down as follows. I will do it from an East Coast perspective, but it is the same for the west.

Everyone in the East would play each other 10 times, which would make up 140 games. That leaves 22 more games. 15 of these games would be spent playing a division from the West Coast. This will change every year on a three year cycle, so one year the Clemente's will play the Aaron, the following year the Clemente's will play the Robinson, and the third year the Clemente's will play the Say Hey's. This leaves 7 games. These 7 games are determined similarly to how the NFL creates parity in their scheduling. The 7 remaining games would be determined on how a team finished the year before. Using last year as an example, the Yankees would play the Phillies for an additional 4 game series, and then they will have a 3 game series with the Red Sox. The Nationals on the other hand will have a 4 game series with the Orioles and a 3 game series with the Pirates.

I know what you are thinking, but what about all that $$$ generated from Yankees-Red Sox on TV. In this model, you would lose 6 or 7 of those games, but you have now developed 7 more Yankees-Phillies games in a regular season, which in the long run may create a bigger rivalry because Philadelphia-New York is a little closer than New York-Boston. In addition, you have Philadelphia-Baltimore playing more, which is promoting people from different cities to travelling shorter distances to seeing their home team on the road more regularly.

The playoff set-up would be the same. There will be 3 divisional leaders and 1 Wild Card. This may cause the argument to come up if you are a Toronto Blue Jay stuck playing against the big spending Yankees and Mets, while the Ruth division is filled with a bunch of poor hacks. Let's say that one year the Yankees win the division and the Mets win the wild card, but the Blue Jays finish with a better record than the divisional winner of the Ruth division (in this hypothetical it is the Tigers because we are going to assume that Miguel Cabrera has stayed sober.) While the Blue Jays will miss the playoffs and sort of be screwed that year, the following year they will be rewarded for their accomplishment and they will be relocated to the Aaron division in exchange for the worst team from that division. You can argue that this presents an unfair advantage for the Yankees because their division has weakened considerably, you will realize that for the first time Toronto will now be in a position to win the division because they only have to jump over the Tigers who they had a better winning % last year, or they now have a better opportunity to win the wild card. The Yankees would once again have to play the tougher schedule, while the crappy team that came over will have the weakest schedule out of anybody, which makes it somewhat possible for the Yankees to fall.

If you would like to discuss any of the points I have made, please feel free to contact me by replying to this email. I would be happy to disprove any argument you may have.

Regards,

Mr. Kurpel

cars

2010-03-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

When I was shorter and younger, one of my favorite things to do in the house was to play with miniature cars. I had a pretty awesome mat that I would unfold and put on the floor. This mat had a picture of a town on it and a bunch of roads. I can't remember too much about the mat, except that it had most small town staples like a hospital, police station, couple of houses, airport, grocery store, and an auto race track. I guess back in the mid-80s, towns were set-up in a way that you could shoot on over to the town race track and take out some much needed aggression before/after shopping for groceries. When I was make believe driving, my day usually consisted of leaving the house, heading to the race track for a couple of laps, then driving to the fire station where I worked, taking out the fire truck, and then taking that to the race track for a nice burnout session when none of the other buildings on the mat were on fire, which was often, but no emergency was that urgent that there couldn't be at least one lap done at the track.

Cars back then in my town were pretty awesome. They were a lot like Toyotas are today...tons of acceleration and breaking problems. I remember sitting there and being amazed at how many cars would all of a sudden go out of control and slam into my living room wall. Some days the cars would get serious air and disappear into the couch forever. I think it would be cool to one day find the actual town that this mat was modelled after. K?

perceptions

2010-02-25T12:35:00.000-08:00

The snow started falling in the morning. It was early, but not too early. The only reason it was early was because it was not late. And it wasn’t on time. So by default it will be classified as early. But to be fair it was closer to on time than it was to too early. This mattered did not to Tilbin. Tilbin not matter did or give a care about when or how or what it snowed. As long as he could see his neighbor’s house across the street he was happy.

When the snow started falling, Tilbin was at his window staring at her house across the street. She was not awake yet since it was early. But when Tilbin glanced at his watch he realized that she would be awake soon. Tilbin figured he had a few moments though, and decide he did to get a cup of tea. When Tilbin turned around to go into the kitchen and away from the window, she made her move.

She knew Tilbin had been watching her. Bother her it did some but not as much as you would think. If it truly bothered her she would have closed her window or threw a bullet or called a police. But since she bothered was not by the gaze of Tilbin, she let it happen. As time wore on she began to like being watched. She had little interest of meeting Tilbin, but she looked forward to the mornings and the evenings when he was there. The time in between when work she must had to, she found herself sitting and longing for Tilbin’s presence across the street. Once she thought she saw Tilbin across from her office. She felt more confident out city in so she took a break and ran to see him. When she got there she found that what she thought Tilbin to be was nothing but a pile of rotting newspapers if newspapers rotted instead of being read.

While Tilbin was making his tea, she quickly got out of bed. She put on a bathrobe and some slippers and ran into the snowy morning. She dashed across the street and up to Tilbin’s door. Hesitantly at first she started to knock. After a minute she knocked with more purpose. There was no answer.

Upstairs, Tilbin was back at his window, drinking his tea. Across the street, a lonely bird landed in the bird feeder in her yard. Tilbin smiled the bird at the sight.

Knicks trades

2010-02-19T12:37:00.001-08:00

Quick view on the Knicks trades:

With the moves made at yesterday’s NBA trading deadline, the Knicks have put themselves in a pretty good position to sign Lebron James when he becomes a free agent following the season. In addition, they have freed up enough cap space to sign a second max player, such as Chris Bosh or Dwayne Wade. In order to free up cap space, the Knicks got rid of all their players except four, who had more than the rest of the year remaining on their contracts. The only players the Knicks have under contract for the 2010-2011 season are Eddie Curry, Wilson Chandler, Toney Douglas, and Danilo Gallinari. While I am a fan of Chandler and Gallinari, I do not expect Gallinari to ever become a star along the lines of Dirk Nowitski, even with coach Mike D’Antoni calling him the greatest shooter he has ever seen. In an ideal situation, Gallinari would be the first or second guy off the bench. While I appreciate what D’Antoni did with the Suns, and in some respects almost saved basketball, I think his judgment with the Knicks has been questionable. His praise of Gallinari reeks of nepotism, and his influence in the decision to not bring Iverson on for the year because of how he would stunt the growth of the young talent is insane. The only player who Iverson would be in the way of is Toney Douglas, but since TD doesn’t play, what difference does it make. Instead we have to curiously watch PG Chris Duhon play 39 minutes and somehow manage 2 assists and 2 points in a recent game (http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/boxscore?gameId=300216004) is a more amazing accomplishment than a New Jersey Nets win.

While I would be thrilled with the signing of Lebron James, I highly doubt that Dwayne Wade or Chris Bosh would come with him. On paper this seems like a possibility, because in make-believe-land, everyone wants nothing more than to win championships. In the NBA, however, I do not think that the superstars really want to share any of their success with another superstar. I don’t think Carmelo Anthony cried when Allen Iverson was shipped out of town for ultimate team-guy Chauncey Billups. To expect that Dwayne Wade or Chris Bosh, who are both before their primes, will sacrifice a chance of basketball immortality to become a Lebron sidekick is ridiculous. And since it is unlikely that a second max guy would come with Lebron to New York, do you really expect Lebron to leave a great team in Cleveland to help a New York team with no draft picks (and 4 players-including Eddie Curry) to rebuild? I understand Lebron is the best player in the NBA, but even he can’t instantly turn the Knicks around. The young nucleus that the Clippers have is a better fit for King James. If the Cavaliers don’t win I expect he’ll re-up for max money in Cleveland who I believe can also still sign Amare Stoudemire this offseason. And if they do win, I expect that he’ll turn his sights on passing Jordan and go for 7. Staying with Cleveland next year will also give Lebron a great opportunity to win 3 straight MVP awards (he’s going to get #2 this year). With the Knicks he may end up eating vasoline like Stephon Marbury

As a Knicks fan, I am already preparing myself for a couple of desperate free agent signings this off-season and am not looking forward to Tracy McGrady and Joe Johnson leading a Lee-less Knicks team into the NBDL. After a brief conversation with Jailbait Jim last night, it is only a matter of time until we become full-fledged OKC Thunder fans.

reminder

2010-02-19T07:13:00.001-08:00

y'all ,

As promised (or warned), here is the second email that I referenced in my previous email that would be sent in regards to the marathon that will be run by myself and a bunch of other people on March 20th. For those of you who attempted to unsubscribe, I apologize, but there have been major server issues and IT is working dilligently to solve the problem. The sole (pun intended) purpose of these emails (this is email #2 out of an expected 3) is to serve as a friendly reminder that you must donate money to the Back On My Feet program (www.backonmyfeet.org). I am a mere $41 dollars away from my goal of raising $250, so if you are feeling generous (or guilty) here is the link with the instructions on how to donate:

http://www.active.com/donate/BOMFNatlMarathon2010/safetyrope

If you are wondering how much to donate, I can make the suggestion of donating as much as you want. So far, people have generously donated as much as $50 and as little as $2. These amounts are equally appreciated. For those of you who are hesitant to donate due to financial concerns, a $5 donation is more palatable when making a self-sacrifice of one of the following regular weekly purchases:

*Justin Bieber iTunes
*Daughtry and/or Nickelback fanzines
*(almost) 2 (two) gallons of gas
*1 (one) trip to starbucks (expected purchase of Grande Cafe Mocha and one old-fashioned durnut)
*1 (one) good beer or 2 (two) crappy ones
*Truck stop trucker hat
*Truck stop INXS cassette tape (combined w/ purchase of postcard(s) or feather(s))
*Gallon of ice cream
*Peat Moss
*Pall Malls
*Novelty giant foam #1 fingers
*Bubble tape

etc...

If you have any questions about anything, please feel free to email me directly. I would like to leave you with this quote:

"I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -Miss Alabama, 1994

Thanks again,
Todd

Knicks-Rockets McGrady negotiations

2010-02-18T09:24:00.000-08:00

Luge disappointment

2010-02-17T11:27:00.001-08:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/olympics/winter/2010/luge/columns/story?columnist=bryant_howard&id=4920295

Dear Mr. Bryant,

I enjoyed your article and I thought you were right on the money when discussing the difficulties experienced by the United States women's luge team in this year's Winter Olympics. I agree that it never seemed that the promising young team would be able to adjust to the course alterations that were necessitated following the tragic death of Mr. Kumaritashvili. I have to admit that my blood boiled when I heard German slider Natalie Geisenberger state the course had a "children's start". Having an American victory in the luge would have been a fitting way to silence Ms. Geisenberger and other critics. In addition, it would have vaulted the sport into the American spotlight and showed that it was a deserving Olympic sport and not just a competition between a bunch of lunatics with a death wish.

I have been a fan of sliding sports for a long time now, and while I prefer the skeleton (the name itself and something about going down a hill face first without a steering mechanism or brakes appeals to me), I have always been respectful of the luge. At the same time, I can understand the criticism against the sport. The sport on television lacks appeal because the slight flick in the calves that is required to steer is hard for the unknowledgeable viewer to follow. In addition, watching people go down the same course one after the other can get repetitive and dull pretty quick. NASCAR, which also gets the "it's just a bunch of people driving in circles" argument, at least allows the viewer to watch some exciting passing maneuvers. Luge is also one of the few sports that does not benefit from a slow-motion instant replay. There really is not much for a commentator to slow down and emphasize that cannot already be understood in real time. The pausing at the finish line to show the exact moment a slider crosses loses the dramatic impact of a photo finish of the Kentucky Derby and also lacks the absurdity of a still from a first-time rollercoaster. I love luge because what you see is what you get. The best of the best win and if you are not in complete sync mentally and physically, you will not emerge a winner. This cannot be said of many other sports except maybe tennis. Even darts and bowling can factor in a lot of luck. Since I do not make up the mindset of the majority of America, I think it is necessary to revamp the luge. These changes should be considered to be implemented before Sochin.

To spruce up cross-country skiing, someone once suggested incorporating the shooting of guns into the event. This logic was flawless and should be considered when attempting to make luge more appealing. Since shooting a gun while flying down a hill at top speeds is not practical, I can argue that throwing a grenade is. I feel that during a course there should be a required three grenade launches, the last of which will be into an aquarium of fake dolphins. Moguls is a sport that factors speed and creative skill when judged, so as a suggestion the luge should become more about speed. In addition to the grenades, I believe that 25 giant bowling pins should be placed at the end of the course. How many a slider knocks down will be combined with the total time and the creativity of the grenade attacks. As a final suggestion, I believe that before mounting the sled a slider must first drink two pints of a higher ABV% microbrew and then spin around a baseball bat 20 times. These ideas of course are open to discussion, but I believe would bring more attention (including sponsors) to the wonderful sport.

Kind regards,
Mr. Kurpel

Very Essential

2010-02-17T10:43:00.000-08:00

when i grow up

2010-02-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

I guess I never really gave it much thought before because I usually was only ever interested in skiing (and now snowboarding) in the Winter Olympics, but I have just decided that the luge and bobsled are both pretty fantastic. While curling is and always will be the greatest winter sporting event due to its compatibility with drinking large amounts of alcohol, bobsledding and luging are quickly closing the gap as the number 2 and 3 sports. I am not sure why I have never thought about it like this but bobsledding and the luge are nothing more than sledding. Sledding really fast. I watched about three minutes of the luge this weekend and I remember saying "That's just sledding. Really fast sledding" I then followed Sarah around all weekend asking her how does one get involved in the luge? Do you decide as a five year old that you want to sled for the rest of your life? Are you too lazy to ever try to go down a hill standing up? Are their year round sledding events or in the summer do you do other things like climb trees real fast...

...we'll probably never know. Yesterday when I was standing on my roof throwing snow onto the ground below (and occassionally throwing some onto my neighbor's roof) I thought for a split second that it would be fun to luge off my roof. I was already to drop the shovel, sit on it and then push with my hands. Gravity would then do the rest and throw me off the roof (or into my living room) and everyone would applaud.

For now my work days are spent looking at photo galleries of professional athletes and their dogs. Hopefully that will just be for now

Book Death

2010-02-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

The homeless man dealt with the news of the impending snowstorm by deciding to take a nap on the floor of the bookstore. This, of course, was met with customer panic because it is clearly a violation of a social norm. What the FUCK is that dude doing there? Doesn’t he know we are in public?! What do we tell the children?! Thou shalt not sleep on the floor of a store we remind our kids as little Timmy decides to take his shoes off and throw them at Current Events. Unsure of what to do, security and a few good samaritans decided to pretend it was a heart attack and called for an ambulance. As far as I could tell, the man was just tired of being cold and tired of being tired. If he was found in the Self-Help section, that would be one thing, but since he was found in Fiction T-V I thought everybody was overreacting. Let the man be I whispered into a couple of magazines. He just needs a break. “Sir what day were you born?” the do-gooders asked while waiting for the ambulance. No answer. Security begins to make little jokes between themselves. Enough is enough! Before I can take action, I decide to walk up the down escalator to buy a croissant and a scarf. On my way down the up, I realize I am too late. The paramedics have come and gone, taking the tired old man with them to who knows where to treat him for whoknowswhat for alotof$$$imsure. How long was I upstairs? With the problem eliminated, the lonely consumers make their way through the shelves to buy all the books before they disappear forever.

part 5

2010-02-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

PART 5

Panel 1. Overhead view of the outside of the diner. Across the street you can see a bench where you can kind of make out a dude sitting on the bench with a dog at his feet. Behind him is a park where you can kind of see a couple playing Frisbee with a dog running inbetween them. A couple of parked cars in the street in between the diner and the bench where the dude is sitting. Maybe someone walking somewhere in the panel.

Panel 2. Close up view of the guy on the bench. He has a top hat on, dressed in a suit with one of them raincoat duster things on. He has blind man glasses on and a blindman stick resting on his lap. At his feet is his seeing eye dog, which is a malnourished looking black lab. Old and tired. Patches of fur missing. Head down. Behind the bench is a bush and popping up behind the bush are the heads of the couple throwing a Frisbee. The blind dude is talking “Does anybody work in this goddamn country anymore? You hear them carrying on in the park, Ladybug? Shouldn’t they be in goddamn school or something?”

Panel 3. Same view, the Frisbee comes into view, just missing the head of the blind man. One of the people in the back shouts “Oh man, go get the Frisbee, Scooter”. Ladybug’s head is up now and her tail is wagging…excited about the Frisbee. Blind dude says “Don’t you think about going anywhere, Ladybug or I will kick you in your goddamn ribs”.

Panel 4. Scoot is in the frame now, jumping over Ladybug. The blindman is holding his blindman stick like a baseball player waiting for a pitch. “goddamn hippies letting their goddamn dogs run loose and shit and piss all over this goddamn city. Someone needs to start enforcing some rules around here.”

Panel 5. The blindman has swung but missed hitting Scoot who has landed and is running out of frame after the Frisbee. The swing has caused the blindman’s hat and glasses to fall to the ground. “awww goddammit Ladybug get my goddamn glasses for me will ya.

Panel 6. Ladybug is back to looking depressed. Head down after all the Frisbee excitement. Blindman has his hat in his hand but he still doesn’t know where his glasses are which are sitting right behind Ladybug. Blindman’s now exposed eyes are normal looking. He isn’t really blind.

Panel 7. View is of the diner door now. Juliette is outside of the door. Her friend is still inside paying the bill or something I guess. She is standing there lighting a cigarette. Words from off the panel include a WHAP! Get up and find my glasses you lazy goddamn dog. Another WHAP and then a dog whimper.

Panel 8. Blindman is underneath the bench trying to find his glasses, looking kinda like the Grinch when he was slithering around stealing Christmas presents from the Who’s. lady bug is kind of behind the bench sitting and shaking. The guy in the Frisbee playing couple is standing close, behind the bush. “Excuse me sir, is everything ok? Can I help you with something?” blindman replies “Yeah you can help me by GETTING THE HELL AWAY FROM HERE.

Panel 9. The Frisbee dude is waving to his girlfriend and says “Get Scoot, let’s get the hell away from this guy. He’s out of his mind.” The blindman hand has finally found his glasses, while he is still sprawled out underneath the bench.

Panel 10. Julliette is walking past the bench. You only see her legs and her high heels and behind her, u see the blindman curled under the bench hugging Ladybug with his hand over the dog’s mouth. There’s clicks next to the heel’s or something.

Panel 11. Juliette is out of the frame and you still see the blinddude under the bench hugging Ladybug. “That’s her?!?!?! We’ve hit the jackpot Ladybug. Let’s go before she gets too far ahead.

narwhal thing part 1-4

2010-02-04T08:23:00.000-08:00

Part 1

Panel One: Black. Words: “Midnight” “Davis Strait off the coast of Maniitsoq, Greenland” “November 1984”

Panel Two: Black

Panel Three: Black.

Panel Four: A match is lit in the distance. An outline of a dude standing in a small boat is seen that is floating in the middle of the water.

Panel Five: Close up of hands using the match to light a lantern in the boat. Behind the lantern lying in the boat are guitar and some empty bottles of beer.

Panel Six: The boat is now lit up pretty good. The dude is sitting in his little boat leaning back playing his geetar. Words of a song will be in the panel. Musical notes and the words HEEEEEEEEEEY SWEEEET MAAAAAMA are coming from the dude.

Panel Seven: Dude is now drinking from a bottle.

Panel Eight: Dude leans over the side of the boat and is puking.

Panel Nine: Dude is done puking and he is staring into the ocean saying “What the…”

Panel Ten: Dude stands up and reaches for a spear that I guess was in the boat in the previous panels too.

Panel Eleven: The tiny boat is smashed to bits and dude is diving headfirst into the water with his spear as a majestic narwhal is half-emerged from the water into the air.

___________________________________________________________________

Part 2

Panel One: Lady in a kitchen talking on the phone. She is sitting in a chair next to a fridge and the phone is on the wall like the Simpsons I think. Corner shows that it is January 1985, Seattle, WA. Lady is saying “I haven’t heard from George in four or five months…”

Panel Two: “…the last letter I got from George said that he was leaving Ireland and he was going to make his way to Iceland and Greenland, then cross through Canada to come home.” The picture shows George in a pub writing a letter.

Panel 3: Back to lady sitting in kitchen and voice bubble from phone asking “How is little George taking his dad’s long absence?”

Panel 4: “George has been gone for three years now. I’m not sure little George remembers his dad...” Picture in this panel is a five year old kid sitting in his room smashing a volcano with a tyrannosaurus toy in one hand and a sneaker in the other.

Panel 6: “I think George will be back by the summer” Bang from the door (coming from outside of panel) “Hang on, someone’s at the door”.

Panel 7: Mailman is at the door asking the lady to sign for a package. “I need you to sign for this box. I think it’s from Greenland?” Lady says “OK, sure, thanks”

Panel 8: A close up of the box and the return address. Return address reads Nuuk Police Department Nuuk, Greenland

Panel 9: Lady is standing in her doorway opening the box.

Panel 10: Lady is reading the letter from the police department. The part that is in the panel reads: Dear Mrs. Bentos. We are sorry to inform you that your husband has been involved in a boating accident. His boat appears to have fallen victim to the attack of the narwhal. Your husband’s body has not been found, but due to the location of the boat at its discovery we are not confident in the possibility of survival. Enclosed in this box are the possessions found in the boat…

Panel 11: A close up of the box dropped on the ground with a hat and a letter addressed to “My Dear Annette” (the rest of the address is illegible) There is a voice bubble coming from above which is basically Mrs. Bentos screaming. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH or EEEEEEEEEEE or something. Yeah maybe EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

_____________________________________________________________

Part 3

Panel 1: September 1984. Reykjavík, Iceland. George is scribbling away at a desk in a hotel room.

Panel 2: Close up of writing on a piece of paper. “My dear Annette, I just arrived in Iceland because I have heard that you were here not too long ago…

Panel 3: Close up of George’s face. He’s tired looking and he has a bloody nose. Not sure why he has a bloody nose at this point. Writing continues “I’ve almost travelled halfway across the world trying to find you and I am not ready to give up…”

Panel 4: Picture of George playing a didgeridoo in the Outback with one aboriginal. “In Australia they said you were heading to China”

Panel 5: George meditating on the Great Wall of China “…where they said you were heading to Russia…”

Panel 6: George playing chess in a park with some Russian dude and the Soviet flag is flapping somewhere. “…where clues began to point to Greenland”.

Panel 7: George is in the hotel bathroom looking in the mirror tending to his bloody nose. “I am not sure why you left like that. I told you I was going to handle everything, but I guess you were just being impatient.”

Panel 8: George is sitting in bed reaching for the light “I am sure I’ll find you in Greenland, but if not I’m going to give up”

Panel 9: Black panel. Words: “I hope your parents have been saving these letters.”

Panel 10: A beat up shack looking place with a mailbox overflowing with letters out front. The location as told in the panel is Laramie, Wyoming

Panel 11: A picture of a narwhal’s tusk protruding from the water. The text continues “I’ll see you soon -George”

_______________________________________________________________

Part 4

Panel 1. Seattle, Washington January 1985. Little George is climbing the bus steps with tyrannosaurus in his hand and the creepy old bus driver says “Hey George, how’s yer mom these days?”. Bus driver digs George’s mom so he says it lustfully or something.

Panel 2. View changes and you see little George from the bus driver’s perspective. “SHUT THE FUCK UP” as he begins to wind up to throw the dinosaur.

Panel 3. The tyrannosaurus is stuck in the bus driver’s eye, tail first. He’s screaming “Gaaaaaah my dangnam eye.” George is walking towards his seat.

Panel 4. Little George sits in his seat next to his friend. “Hi Blades” he says. “Hi George, where’s your t-rex?” Blades is also holding a tyrannosaurus. “It’s in Mr. Supdup’s eye.” “God, I hate that guy.”

Panel 5. Outside of the bus view. Cop cars and an ambulance are surrounding the bus. “Me too, he had it coming.”

Panel 6. Mrs. Bentos is sitting with a lady friend in a diner. She is crying her face off and going. “Annette?! This has been about Annette the whole time? If he is alive I’m going to kill him.”

Panel 7. Mrs. Bentos’s friend reaches out her hand and puts it on Mrs. Bentos and she says “Calm down Juliette. Let’s first try to figure out what has happened to George.”

Panel 8. “I AM CALM!” Juliette Bentos says as she smashes her coffee cup to pieces. “Wait till I get my hands on Geor-WAIT TILL I GET A HOLD OF ANNETTE”

Panel 9. “What are you planning Juliette?” Lady friend is cleaning up the pieces of the broken mug. “I don’t know, but I have to find that bitch. She’ll have some explaining to do. I thought he was done with her”

Panel 10. Close up of Juliette Bentos face. She’s not crying anymore, but she looks crazy. One eye bigger than the other. That kind of thing I guess. “I wonder if she still lives at home. I’m going to head to Wyoming.”

Panel 11. Back to the school bus that is now surrounded by the cops who have their guns drawn on the bus. “Would you mind watching little George for a while? I don’t think I’ll be gone more than a week.” “Yeah sure, Julliette. That’s not a problem.

Narwhals parts 1-3

2010-02-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

narwhal comic

2010-02-02T12:35:00.001-08:00

Josh has agreed to do a comic about narwhals with me. The key to this comic is there is not going to be a lot of time invested into it. Quick sketches based on quick panel descriptions. First two parts were written in under ten minutes each. Here is the draft of how the comic will look for the first two parts:

Panel One: Black. Words: “Midnight” “Davis Strait off the coast of Maniitsoq, Greenland” “November 1984”

Panel Two: Black

Panel Three: Black.

Panel Four: A match is lit in the distance. An outline of a dude standing in a small boat is seen that is floating in the middle of the water.

Panel Five: Close up of hands using the match to light a lantern in the boat. Behind the lantern lying in the boat are guitar and some empty bottles of beer.

Panel Six: The boat is now lit up pretty good. The dude is sitting in his little boat leaning back playing his geetar. Words of a song will be in the panel. Musical notes and the words HEEEEEEEEEEY SWEEEET MAAAAAMA are coming from the dude.

Panel Seven: Dude is now drinking from a bottle.

Panel Eight: Dude leans over the side of the boat and is puking.

Panel Nine: Dude is done puking and he is staring into the ocean saying “What the…”

Panel Ten: Dude stands up and reaches for a spear that I guess was in the boat in the previous panels too.

Panel Eleven: The tiny boat is smashed to bits and dude is diving headfirst into the water with his spear as a majestic narwhal is half-emerged from the water into the air.

___________________________________________________________________

Panel One: Lady in a kitchen talking on the phone. She is sitting in a chair next to a fridge and the phone is on the wall like the Simpsons I think. Corner shows that it is January 1985, Seattle, WA. Lady is saying “I haven’t heard from George in four or five months…”

Panel Two: “…the last letter I got from George said that he was leaving Ireland and he was going to make his way to Iceland and Greenland, then cross through Canada to come home.” The picture shows George in a pub writing a letter.

Panel 3: Back to lady sitting in kitchen and voice bubble from phone asking “How is little George taking his dad’s long absence?”

Panel 4: “George has been gone for three years now. I’m not sure little George remembers his dad...” Picture in this panel is a five year old kid sitting in his room smashing a volcano with a tyrannosaurus toy in one hand and a sneaker in the other.

Panel 6: “I think George will be back by the summer” Bang from the door (coming from outside of panel) “Hang on, someone’s at the door”.

Panel 7: Mailman is at the door asking the lady to sign for a package. “I need you to sign for this box. I think it’s from Greenland?” Lady says “OK, sure, thanks”

Panel 8: A close up of the box and the return address. Return address reads Nuuk Police Department Nuuk, Greenland

Panel 9: Lady is standing in her doorway opening the box.

Panel 10: Lady is reading the letter from the police department. The part that is in the panel reads: Dear Mrs. Bentos. We are sorry to inform you that your husband has been involved in a boating accident. His boat appears to have fallen victim to the attack of the narwhal. Your husband’s body has not been found, but due to the location of the boat at its discovery we are not confident in the possibility of survival. Enclosed in this box are the possessions found in the boat…

Panel 11: A close up of the box dropped on the ground with a hat and a letter addressed to “My Dear Annette” There is a voice bubble coming from above which is basically Mrs. Bentos screaming. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH or EEEEEEEEEEE or something. Yeah maybe EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Narwhals

2010-02-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

In a highly unshocking announcement, Barack Obama has decided to cut funding to NASA's Constellation program, which was a program dedicated to figuring out a way to bring people "back" to the moon. Instead of wasting NASA's time in refiguring out ways to get to the moon, Obama and NASA agreed to leave that up to the private sector, which includes the balloon boy's dad and Jim down the street. Obama insisted that the money that will be budgeted for NASA will be used to figure out how to get people farther into space, faster and cheaper, in a commendable effort to solve unemployment. Since the moon has proven to be rather boring, NASA will try to get these people, and a handful of narwhals to more exotic locations such as Mars and Jupiter.

As a moon enthusiast, I am very upset with this turn of events. As a card carrying member of the Smithsonian Institute I longed for the day we, as Americans, landed on the moon once again to put another flag next to the one that already exists there. I really do not see the purpose of bringing narwhals to Mars or Jupiter.

Angrily yours,
MM

List of animals

2010-02-01T13:03:00.001-08:00

Animals

Aardvark
Bear
Cat
Dog
Eagle
Falcon
Gorilla
Horse
Iguana
Jaguar
Koala
Lion
Monkey
Newt
Octopus
Porcupine
Quail
Rat
Snake
Turtle
Unicorn
Vampire Bat
Wombat
X-animal
Yak
Zebra

Being a tree

2010-01-29T12:28:00.000-08:00

The tree in the office was slowly dying. To others it was quickly living. Either way, it wasn’t happy. The tree made a plan to make its escape. It was a half-assed plan, but it was a plan all the same. The tree waited till everyone had left for the day to carry out the plan. In the empty office, the tree made its way to the supply closet and grabbed a brown marker. Using the marker, the tree quickly changed the color of its leaves from green to brown. The tree put the marker back and then went back to its spot in the corner of the office and waited for the morning.

The next morning, the workers filed in. They all put their coats in the coat closet and made their way to their stations. The tree was not noticed until the plant lady came around at lunch time. She shrieked at the sight of the tree! Thinking that she would get fired for killing the plant overnight, the plant lady cracked a window and threw the tree out. Five stories is quite a fall for anyone, whether you’re a human or a dog or a tree. The tree rested on the sidewalk for a minute. Once the impact of the fall had worn off, the tree righted itself and began looking for a new home.

marathon stuff

2010-01-29T05:41:00.001-08:00

Dear Fellow Consumers,

Let me first congratulate you for opening this email. I understand how busy everybody is and with the influx of spam received in email inboxes in today's economy, it is a wonder how anything gets read. Currently, I have 308 unread messages sitting in my inbox and I do not expect to get to them in this lifetime. I will try to keep this email brief and to the point so I will move on. If you would like to unsubscribe from this email (expect 2 more similar emails in the next to months) please click repeatedly on the following and shout:

UNSUBSCRIBE

For those of you aware of my existence, you may know that I have spent 2009 getting back into the fine sport of running. Running was a sport I (kind of) enjoyed during my high school days, but quickly gave up at the first opportunity. Ten years later, I decided to get back into the sport because I have finally given in to the fact that I will never make it into the NBA and most likely won't make it into professional baseball or mixed martial arts. Since I love sports I decided to get back into the easiest sport there is and run.

It's been about a year since I started to get back into running, and I've progressed pretty steadily I think. At first I had difficulty running for 20 minutes, but I am now able to hit 15 and 16 miles at a time twice within one week. Running a marathon, which seemed impossible to me 6 months ago, now seems like an accomplishable goal and as a result I have recently decided to spend a decent amount of money to register for the SunTrust National Marathon that will be held in Washington DC on Dan's birthday (March 20th). The point of this email is not to remind you how awesome I am, but instead I am asking you to consider the following:

The Back On My Feet organization is a charity that is linked to the SunTrust National Marathon. I am familiar with the organization since they originated in Philadelphia and they were featured in a Runner's World article at one point in the past year. I'm going to recommend you check out their site (www.backonmyfeet.org) for a better definition of what they do, but to sum it up briefly, they basically try to boost homeless people's self esteem by getting them involved in running. At first, that probably seems completely idealistic and I can understand how there can be doubts in how a program like this could work. However, in a short time, the organization has opened up a second chapter in Baltimore and are planning to expand to Washington DC and Boston within the next few months. Sure the program doesn't work for everybody, as there are possibly as many failures as success stories, but I think that could sum up just about anything. So I think it's worth checking out.

After discussing this issue with my wife and my liver-shunted cat (I don't intend to be Bono), I've decided to get a fundraising page going. If you feel like helping Back On My Feet get their Washington DC headquarters established, please visit this link: http://www.active.com/donate/BOMFNatlMarathon2010/safetyrope . If you're wondering how much to donate, I suggest donating the cost of two beers (nondrinkers, please donate the cost of three burritos). If you don't want to donate, I suggest you just reply to this email and insult me mercilessly.

Please feel free to forward this to as many frenemies as you want.

Take care,
Todd

NFL Championship Series

2010-01-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

I'm 6-2 in the playoffs. That's not bad. Although my 2 losses included the two teams I thought would be in the Super Bowl. So I'm really like 0-2,000.

Two pretty interesting games on Sunday. Here are my predictions:

Jets 74-Colts 56 wait...
Jets 64-Colts 48 wait...
Jets 28-Colts 24 OK!

Blah blah blah blah blah blah. You can analyze it all day. Pick the Jets because it's a cooler story.

Saints 42-Vikings 21

It's going to be loud in New Orleans. Brett Favre can't make it to the Super Bowl. That'd be lamer story.

Divisional Playoffs

2010-01-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

I had decent football picks last week I guess. I went 3-1, hit a couple of exact scores, but had Green Bay being the only loss. That game was stupid. I had some confidence last week because I didn't believe what was going on in New England or Cincinatti, and I didn't think the Eagles would change their game plan enough (or at all) to confuse the Cowboys. The only thing tricky about the Dallas-Eagles game was Donovan's fantastic entrance. Oh well. I was wrong in thinking that Green Bay was a complete team and I guess I should have remembered that Kurt Warner is pretty good at home in the playoffs.

I have zero confidence in picking the AFC this week, so I will pick the home teams. I have a lot more confidence in the NFC, but will still pick the home teams. If anyone can tell me the last time all four home teams won in the divisional round, I will proudly give you something great. It never happens...but it will this weekend.

PICKS!

Saints 30-Cardinals 24

Kurt Warner is undefeated at home in the playoffs, so I imagine that his road record isn't that good. I would look up this stat if I was getting paid to write this blog. I'm not, so please look it up yourself. This game is in New Orleans. Advantage Brees.

Colts 24-Ravens 17

Indy is terrible after a bye in the playoffs. The Ravens defense is good. Ray Rice and Baltimore's running game is good. I think Peyton will get going early, which will mean Baltimore will have to make some passing plays. So this game will depend on Flacco's hip. What?

Vikings 42-Cowboys 14

Dallas is not the next anything. Vikings balanced offense will kill the Cowboys hype. Guaranteed.

Chargers 21-Jets 20

I want to pick the Jets real bad, but I think the Chargers are just too good. The best part about last week's Jets game was how they won without using a real punter. Hopefully they have a punter this week. If not, double the Chargers score.

Thank you thank you!

Wild Card predictions

2010-01-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

Wild Card Weekend

The playoffs start this weekend and I’m super excited about it. Well sorta excited about them. There are three rematches of Week 17 games in the Wild Card round of this year’s playoffs, and if the losing teams do not make some serious (so serious) adjustments, the first weekend of playoffs will be pretty boring (so boring)! Here are my predictions:

Jets @ Bengals:
Prediction: Jets 24-Bengals 17

Zila likes the Jets. That is not the reason I am picking the Jets. Rex Ryan asked Joe Girardi to teach Mark Sanchez how to slide. In the next game after the lesson, Sanchez hurt himself sliding. This is also not the reason I am picking the Jets. The reason I am picking the Jets is that their defense is pretty nasty. Defense wins championships! In this case, defense will get the Jets into the second weekend of the playoffs

Eagles @ Cowboys:
Prediction: Cowboys 34-Eagles 24

In my opinion, it is difficult to beat a team three times in a season. I also think it is tough to beat a team in back-to-back weeks. That being said I think the Cowboys will beat the Eagles because they seem to have a handle on Desean Jackson, and I think the Eagles’ offensive line injuries are too difficult to overcome. It also seems that the Cowboys are playing with a chip on their shoulder after the repeated media coverage of their recent December and beyond struggles. Cowboys win despite another missed field goal from Shaun Suisham.

Ravens @ Patriots:
Prediction: Ravens 27-Patriots 21

I’m forecasting a cold, miserable day at Foxboro. In my world this gives the advantage to the visiting team because Ray Rice is real good and Welker’s season-ending injury is not so good.

Packers @ Arizona:
Prediction: Green Bay 42-Arizona 10

Green Bay should have the home field advantage since they finished with a better record and also destroyed Arizona in Week 17, but due to the genius seeding of the NFL playoffs, this is not the case. Green Bay will have to go back to Arizona and try to repeat what they did last week. I believe they will. However, Arizona proved last year that they do not need momentum to succeed in the playoffs.

If Green Bay does win the Arizona game, they will be my pick to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, where they will lose to the San Diego Chargers.