Howie was late for work.

I was getting coffee at the coffee machine when Howie finally showed up. I looked at my watch and saw that it was almost eleven. I'm not Howie's boss and I don't care in the least that he was nearly two and a half hours late, but I do like to joke around with Howie everyonce in a while.

"A little late, huh Howie?"

"Yeah, I fell in a snow bank on the way in. HEE HEE HEE"

"Woah you ok?"

"I don't know. HEE HEE HEE"

Howie is old. He is real old. He might not be that old, but he's not in the best of shape so I assume that he is real old. Visually, I would compare him to a post-fall humpty dumpty. While I don't know exactly how old he is, I am pretty sure that he should find an easier way to get into work. Currently he walks a few blocks to catch the bus. The bus takes him to the subway. The subway takes him near work. Then he has to walk a few more blocks. He doesn't complain about that. While he is great at public transportation, he is not so great at fashion. "I have never worn a pair of jeans." He is also not so good at fast food. "I have never eaten a slice of pizza."

"Why not, Howie?"

"Why would I?"

There really isn't a way to win that argument. Why would he? So after I decided that an ambulance wasn't needed, Howie then decided to tell me more news. What kind of news? Well, death news.

"I buried a mouse this weekend."

"A mouse? Was it a pet."

"No. It was Christian burial. HEE HEE HEE"

"Ok well sorry about your loss, but I have to go do some work now."

Howie would then go to his cubicle to go to sleep for a few hours. I'd walk by every once in a while. I used to wake him up because I was afraid he would get in trouble, but after working here for a few years I have come to realize that no one cares what Howie does. In fact the less work Howie does the better. He is a good guy though. Well-liked and always good for a story. Even if it's the same story every other day.

2011 Race Schedule

Here's how I picture my 2011 race schedule to look. Real exciting blog today!

Registered:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid.

May 1st: Broad Street Run. Country's biggest 10 miler I think. A pretty mandatory thing to do at least once if you live in Philly. This will be my third in a row. I don't know why I feel the need to keep running in it. I guess because Keith Coleman signed up. The midwife who delivered Maksim will probably be running too so that's cool.

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh



Possible:

February 19th: "For the Love of Children" 5K. In stupid Florida

March 19th: 2011 Fight for Air Stair Climb

March 20th: Get your Rear in Gear 10K

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I'd like to do both.

April 2nd: Tyler Arboretum 10K Trail Race. Probably my favorite race.

April 17th: Dash for Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness. 10K

Polar Cat

I need to raise $40 pretty fast because I want to go swimming in cold water. I actually needed to raise $50 but I was able to spend $10 on myself to help all of you out. Isn't that amazing? This money doesn't go to me, it goes to the Special Olympics, which is a good cause. So hopefully at least four of you can hook me up with $10 and we're good to go. Or maybe 40 of you can hook me up with $1 but that seems much more difficult. Please be advised that I can go over $50 in the event you want to donate everything you have. Good advice?

Still running so I'll bug you about that later, but that fundraising has slowed way down. Never did a polar bear thing so I figured it'd be neat to check out once. If I get over $500 I'll do a barefoot 5K after the swim, K?

K, happy day. Here's a link that sends you some more info that I did not write, although I did pick the dope "Bubbles" background.

-Todd

http://specialolympicspa.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=442430&supid=319946008

Deception (Who let the catz out?)

"1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them."
-Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

"As long as there's a lower class, I'm in it. As long as there is a criminal element, I am of it. As long as there is a soul in prison, I am not free." Vonnegut quoting Eugene Victor Debs at a college commencement speech.

The hole appeared one day. Its appearance, while unexpected, was not particularly surprising. Holes tend to appear now and again. The Murakamian decision that one faces when coming across one of these holes is whether you ignore them or you explore them for lost cats. All of my cats were accounted for so I passed the hole and continued the journey to the end of the path.

The next day the hole was still there. It was bigger even. Either that or I ate too many donuts the night before. Both are probable. Although none of this is true. It is never true. Since I couldn't remember if any of the cats were accounted for, I decided it was time to fall in.

The hole was exactly like I pictured it to be. Very 1996. Dial-up internet. Decent New York basketball. I enjoyed spending time at Burger King. There were cats, but not the ones I was looking for. The deeper I went, the foggier the memories became. I remember something about an arcade and a friend with down syndrome. Something about a field of horses, some bees, and a cut on my knee that gushed but didn't hurt. Cats, but again, not mine. An igloo, my father, and that's it. The igloo had a hole but it sat on the roof as opposed to the floor. A rope, dangling ever so safely, seemed to call out, as safety ropes generally do in times of need. Tired and cold, I climbed through to emerge back to where I am today. Inspired, yet confused, about where I came from and where the cats have gone to.

only got a minute

Wanted to write a blong log today but i tan out of rhyme. It happens I guess. Seal-ing fick. It happens to the best of us. I'm drinking airborne and water out of a cup like it's nobody's business. It hasn't helped.

Zodiacs are in the news again. Astrology is important to me. Although that is a lie. But Astrology is important to Ron. He loves that stuff. Not a lie. The whole drive to fictional Los Angeles, he would spit zodiac schnitz into the walkie-talkie as if I gave a who. He was in outerspace, man. The whole time it was like we were racing through the galaxy. Trying to get to the sun first. Because the last one there is the rotten egg.

have an above-average weekend. see you next fall

Hey LeBron...Ball Don't Lie

I don't hate LeBron James. Well maybe I do a little. Ok, I can't stand him. But I'm glad I can't stand him. It is because of this hatred that I believe that the NBA is currently having one of the greatest regular seasons I can remember. Friends of mine who have lost interest in the NBA are tuning in again because they are fired up about LeBron. It might be the best NBA regular season in the 21st century. Mind as well go out on top, NBA. It was nice knowing you.

LeBron can't get all the credit for a great start to the 2010-2011 NBA season. I, perhaps selfishly, credit the Knicks success for helping in the resurgence of the league. A packed Madison Square Garden is good for basketball. The other reason the NBA is good again, perhaps great (?), is Blake Griffin. Even though he is stuck on the worst franchise in the history of the game, a team whose owner heckles his players during games, the Clippers are must-watch TV (or at least check out the highlights). In just a half-season Griffin has already compiled a list of dunks [capped by the "dunk" (face rape) on Timofey Mozgov] that puts him in the conversation for best dunker of all-time.

Blake already had his run-in with the Knicks, as Mozgov was the Russian center that the Knicks curiously decided to sign to a three-year deal this summer even though he is over seven feet and can't rebound, so it was time for Blake to meet up with LeBron. Their game was scheduled for last night. To build the drama, LeBron decided it was a good idea to use twitter to trash his old team, after they were humiliated by the Lakers on Tuesday by a score of 112-57. During the closing minutes of that game, LeBron decided it was a good idea to tweet: "Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!" While he doesn't call out the Cavaliers specifically, every sportswriter and fan in America knows that is what he was talking about. The genius is mad at Cleveland because he was surprised they weren't thrilled with "The Decision" to take his talents to South Beach. While you can't be mad at him for wanting a change of scenery, I deprived Warwick, NY of my talents a long time ago (you're welcome, Aston, PA), the decision to announce his decision on an ESPN special was ill-advised. Barry O', LeBron is not. The thing is though, that once that tweet went out, you knew it was going to come back and bite LeBron. Because, yes, Karma is a b****, and in the basketball world, the Ball Don't Lie.

"Ball Don't Lie" is a phrase I believe coined by coach Flip Saunders, but made famous by Rasheed Wallace. Ball Don't Lie is in reference to a questionable foul call. If a ref makes a borderline call, the answer on whether or not it actually was a foul, is determined by the foul shots. If he makes the foul shots it was a foul. If he misses, it wasn't. In LeBron's case, Ball Don't Lie logic was going to come into play in last night's game against the Clippers. The Heat were rolling, winners of 13 straight road games, which was one more win than the Clippers have had all season. Before the game, LeBron said that his stupid tweet was not in reference to the Cavs. Instead he had this to say about it:

"It's just how I was feeling at the time," James said. "It wasn't even a comment from me, it was someone who sent it to me and I sent it out. It wasn't toward that team. It definitely wasn't a good showing by that team last night, I know they wish they would've played better." (Article here)

When asked what it was in reference to, LeBron was shut down by the Heat PR staff. So if the tweet was directed to the Cavs, the Heat were going to lose to the miserable Clippers, because the Ball Don't Lie. I predicted that the Clippers would win (Ryan, Vic, and Rey can back this up) and they did. I predicted (and hoped) for Lebron to get "Mozgoved" by Griffin. He did not. But he did sprain an ankle and is now day-to-day. A great team losing to the Clippers is equal to a bad team getting blown out to the Lakers. Ball Don't Lie, LeBron. I hope your ankle gets better soon!

Troegs JavaHead Stout

I like Troegs. It might be my favorite brewer. Although Victory is up there as is Maui Brewing, even though their owner might be a jerk. He might not be, but he didn't appreciate getting dumb emails from me. SMH.

I also like coffee. I don't have a favorite coffee, but I am not against Starbucks like some yahoos I know. Sarah just recently advised me that the Venti (largest size) is actually a decent deal as it is only a few coins more than the Grande (middlest size). Why I never realized this before is beyond me. I guess I always thought that the Venti seemed unhealthy. smh.

So last night after little buddy decided to fall asleep for a few minutes, Sarah and I decided to split a 22 of Troegs JavaHead Stout, which sounds perfect as it is both beer and coffee. We have only been drinking stouts for the most part, although avoiding Guinness at all costs unless we happen to be at an Irish wedding. Troegs' coffee stout was on the table last night so it was opened and beginith to be dranketh. Like pretty much any coffee stout, it was good. It's a 7.5%er so it can get the job done, but it also was ridiculously smooth which is the sign of a doper stout. The problem was, however, I am getting sick and besides having lockjaw, my throat felt stupid when drinking the beer. So unfortunately after half of my half I decided it was just making my throat feel worse so I sentenced the rest of the beer to a life in the sink drain. All the sink millipedes thanked me, as I could hear a tiny-legged celebration and the sound of a firework or two blasting off as the coffeed goodness fell down the sink. A little may have been purposely spilled on the floor for the memory of Pickles the Cat.

NEWS FLASH: IVERSON JUST RETIRED AND WILL BE LEAVING TURKEY. smh

On to an update on the move to LA.

Ron and I were speeding away from the bullet-nosed lumberjack and made it safely on the highway. When we were side-by-side we decided to use the walkie-talkies we bought for the trip, but since we weren't walking I guess they should be considered drivie-shouties. They only worked when we were on the verge of crashing into each other.

Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Me: Can you hear me? over.
Ron: Yeah I can, can you hear me? over.
Me: Yeah works pretty good. over.
Ron: Cool, just don't speed too far ahead. over.
Me: Ok, that's fine. over.
Ron: What should we do now? over.
Me: I don't know, let's just drive overnight. over
Ron: That's fine, but I wouldn't mind a shower. over.
Me: Why are you taking all these showers. over
Ron: Huh? over.
Me: Hover. Over
Ron: Nashville, right? Over
Me: Yeah sure. Over
Ron: I told you these walkie-talkies were a good idea. Over
Me: They suck, I feel like we could just open our windows and have a better conversation. Over.
Ron: That sounds like a bad idea. Over
Me: Yeah I guess you're right. Over.
Ron: Want to get a beer. Over.
Me: Sure, but aren't the bars closed? Over.
Ron: I don't know, it's your story. Over.
Me: Good point, yeah let's go to a bar. Over.
Ron: Want to invite the lumberjack? Over.
Me: Sure, why not. Over.

Ron then called the Lumberjack. He was surprised to hear from him. He was wondering when the last time he saw us was. The one good thing about the lumberjack was that he usually was too drunk to remember really much of anything. Which was probably why he had a good jumpshot. So Ron and I did a side-by-side u-turn and headed back to Chapel Hill. We met up with the lumberjack once again, deep in TarHeel territory and went to a college bar. My memory makes me think it was middle of the day when this bar was actually visited so it was pretty early. The lumberjack didn't really have a sister I guess, but he did like an IHOP waitress. Ron was just hoping to find a shower as soon as possible, but we did drink a lot of alcohol that day, before finding a Best Buy so we could buy some good road cd's.