When you stick a pencil in a glass of water it appears to bend. (A story about the history of music in NEPA)

In the days before Wikipedia, a group of pseudo-intellectuals sat around discussing science fiction movies. An ashtray filled with four forgotten lit cigarettes sat on a table that sat in a back room of a diner that was located in an old city in a part of the country you probably have never been to. The conversation was strained because there was no quick way to tell the other that their f-in a$$ had fallen off due to uncontrollable laughter at a joke, most likely their own. In fact in these days there wasn't much laughing because everything didn't need to be funny. The ashtray confirms this as it began to wish that the owners of the cigarette would remember their habit. A song came on the radio. It was one of those songs that doesn't distract the players in this story from interupting their conversation. So it is safe to say this song was not performed by Smashmouth or Chumbawumba. A waitress came for their order.

What can I getcha?

-I'll have a glass of water and 3 pieces of toast, please. And one cup of coffee.

-Make that two coffees. And two waters. No toast for me.

-Coffee and uh, what kind of soup do you have?

Chicken noodle and italian wedding.

-Oh, forget the soup. I'll just have some coffee and a brownie. (This guy decides to wink at the waitress and the waitress ignores it completely).

-Can I order a Spanish omelete? And an orange juice and some Root Beer please?

Any side?

-Oh, maybe just some toast. Lightly toasted. If its burned I'll flip out.

Ok. Anything else? Oh I forgot you, honey.

-I'LL HAVE A BURGER, MEDIUM, AND A SIDE OF COLE SLAW PLEASE.

Everyone stopped what they were doing. All of a sudden everyone noticed that song that had been playing so quietly before.

Dan lied about liking death metal (aka Achievement)

Dan used to live in a prison cell. He didn't do anything bad, it's just that the prison ran out of money. It wasn't profitable to keep all the criminals locked up anymore, so the prison was forced to shut down. All the criminals went home to commit more phony crimes. Like siphoning gas from the neighbor's Hyundai and swearing loudly at the television while Jeopardy is on. Life is perfect, crimes don't exist. The closed prison was purchased by a crooked landlord and the cells were transformed into apartments. Dan rented one years back.

I visited Dan in that cell once. We had made plans to go see a concert and he suggested that I stop by his place before we went so we could drink a bunch of beers that he didn't need to smuggle into the prison, since it wasn't really a prison. I was hesitant, but I said ok. I showed up at his cell around 6 or 7. He was excited to have company because he just found out that a neighbor down the way hung (or is it hanged) himself (or is it thyself). This was a regular thing evidently and it was starting to depress Dan. I told him that it was a shame, but he shouldn't be too sad about it. We were going to a pretty great concert after all. I think it was an Oil Dragon concert. We loved that band. He quickly forgot the suicide and he started pounding Coors Originals. After about an hour I looked at my watch and realized that we would need to leave soon if we wanted to see the opening bands. I think the opening bands included The Transylmaniacs and The Invisible Gas Mask Theory, who we really wanted to see because we both heard great things. I said, "Dan, we got to leave NOW". He looked at his watch and nodded his head while opening another Coors Original. "We got time for one more beer". Police sirens weren't heard in the distance.

We never made it to the concert that night. Turns out Dan wasn't in the mood for going to see a couple of bands. After about another hour of drinking and talking about life I left. I went to a diner on the other side of town that sat on top of an abandoned cemetary. One day it stopped being profitable to bury the dead, so the cemetary was forced to sell land to developers. I ordered a grilled cheese with french fries and a chocolate milk shake. It was pretty good. Which is generally how I remember most things to be.

Birthday

Today is my birthday. Everybody gets pitchforks.

I am 30 today. I am ecstatic. Sarah got me a pretty great running watch. This will help with marathon training. Since getting rid of the gym membership, I have continued to run but I have no way of knowing how far I am actually running. I have a general idea because a solid year on a treadmill has given me a basic understanding of my pace, but it will be nice to not have to estimate. I have to figure out a way to calibrate the watch. Perhaps I will ask Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga? Yes, Lady Gaga. She is making the marathon mix tape because it is hard not to relate to songs about boys eating your heart on a subway.

The songs from The Fame Monster that make the marathon mix tape:

Bad Romance (4:54)
Alejandro (4:34)...Not really that good of a song, but I like making fun of it.
Monster (4:09)


Oh, Maksim got me a great Philadelphia Union pin for my pin collection. This collection is kept on a Natty Light wrist band that is wrapped around my truck's stick shifter. Other pins so far include one for Richmond, VA and the Irish flag. Great collection if you ask me. It only costs $5 to view this exhibit.

He also got me a soccer referee book, so now I can give out proper yellow and red cards whenever needed. The homemade cards that I was using were bunk.

Beach House

Another CD that was purchased with borrowed money was Beach House's "Teen Dream". I heard them once or twice driving around in my truck on WXPN. I think that radio station had them as an artist of the month, one month. A mental note was made that if I ever get back into music, I would check out a cd. I was a little disappointed after the first listen, so I decided to leave the disc alone for a while. A day later, I am hooked. The whole album is perfect for my marathon mix tape. The music fits my running style perfectly (spacey and slow) so I am sure not to qualify for Boston if I listen to these songs on repeat. The band sounds My Bloody Valentine-y at times, while the vocals bring Nico to mind. pretty good combo. It's tough to separate the album into separate tracks for a mix tape, but I was able to eliminate a couple of songs. The team and a sub remaining:

Zebra: 4:48
Silver Soul: 4:58
Norway: 3:54
Walk in the Park: 5:22
Used to Be: 3:58
10 Mile Stereo: 5:03


The cd was cool because it came with two discs. One disc, wrapped in a blue zebra cd sleeve contained music, while the other, wrapped in a pink zebra cd sleeve contained a DVD.

marathon mix tape continued

Sarah and I threw a party for ourselves since we both turn 30 in July. Unexpectedly, people brought gifts. Among these gifts was a Best Buy gift card from Shaun (sp?) and Lisa (sp?) for a billion dollars (sp?) (they also got me a super Jonas Bros. Helium Balloon which is super great (sp?))

With this gift card, some musical cds were purchased. I bought the Mumford & Sons CD, "Sigh No More", because I liked their performance on the Jimmy Fallon show. The cd is pretty good. I think it probably will get old fast, but I'll add three songs from it anyway. Mumford & Sons is on regular radio I believe and they sound punky w/ banjoes. Vocals sound like the Irish dude from Once, but not as whiney. That's my expert analysis. They don't have a drummer, but instead the main dude kicks a kick drum while guitarrin and singin. Now that they are bigger, they might want to hire a drummer. But I guess whatever works for you is also good.

Tracks added:

Sign No More (3:27)
The Cave (3:38)
Little Lion Man (4:07)


In other news, David Kahn just traded for Delonte West and Sebastian Telfair. This offseason, Kahn has signed or traded for Darko, Telfair/West, and Michael Beasely. Awful. Too bad I will be forced to watch this team because I want to follow Wes Johnson's pro career.

Knives and necks, the yes-hitter.

I didn't have that dream where I couldn't run after you. At the same time I didn't have the dream where I couldn't run away. I didn't have the dream where I couldn't yell out your name because my vocal chords were replaced with turkey wish bones in a back alley operation performed by amateur surgeons armed with nothing but salvation army knives and dental floss. A call for help in this dream resulted in a thousand dentists running. So I take this as a good sign that these dreams weren't dreamt. If I did have these dreams my own personal I had a dream speech would seem sort of depressing. An endless baseball game where your team's last remaining pitcher is the infamous hurler of the eternal yes-hitter. Instead, I would begin by saying that I had a dream but I only remember the ending, but that ending was real nice. The judge judged accordingly and everyone got to go home.

Gogol Bordello

Ryan made a good point about Nick Cave songs not really being good running songs. While they will stay on the mix tape, I decided to find something with more of a tempo. The next two songs will be from Gogol Bordello, the gimmicky Gypsy Punk band from Ukraine and NYC.

Tracks:

Wonderlust King (Time: 3:58)
American Wedding (Time: 3:38)

Both of these tracks are off the Super Taranta! album.
These tracks will hopefully come on during my kick.

Marathon mix tape

In preparation for this November's marathon, I have decided to try and listen to music again. I've been anti-music for a while now, because I have difficulty figuring out how and where to listen to music. I rather read on the train, and I don't like running with music because I have to pay attention to cars and WMDs. This limits music listening. I try to listen to music at work every now and again, but everything I listen to is pretty terrible.

This will change though. I'm going to stop riding the train next week because I am going to have to start picking up Maksim from grandmom's house after work. Since I will be in the car more the opportunity for music listening will increase. I am excited about it. I can teach Maksim all about how great albums such as Murder Ballads are. I'm going to buy so many new cds. Or I will use Sarah's pink iPod. I also plan to make a new marathon mix, since listening to music was enjoyable during the last marathon, although I couldn't figure out how to listen to music in a non-alphabetized manner.

The first two songs to make the cut the marathon set list:

Where the Wild Roses Grow (Nick Cave featuring Kylie Minogue. Time: 3:57)
Death Is Not the End (Nick Cave I believe covering a Bob Dylan song Time: 4:27)

Both of the songs are on the Murder Ballads album. The whole album was close to making the marathon set list, but I figured I couldn't put a whole album on a mix tape! I just can't do it! It wouldn't be fair to the other jokers making music.

If you have any suggestions, let me know. I'm interested in getting back into music.

Thanks!

hats

If you are like me, then you know what a pain it is to travel without ruining your two favorite baseball hats. One of the biggest problems I have had over the years when traveling is packing and eventually ruining my green and red Yankee hats. There is not an easy way to pack two hats. Put them in your suitcase? They'll get smashed. Put them in your carry-on bag. Smashed. Put them in your jean jacket pockets. SMASHED! Wear them on your head? Can't. I usually travel with the Pink yankee hat on and three hats on a head looks foolish. I've considered UPSing them to the hotel but I need to wear the red at dinner and the green in the restroom. Always need my two extra hats at arms length.

Annoying.

Until NOW!

Introducing the New Era Two pack Cap Carrier! It is only $24.95. AWESOME!

50 states

On the drive over to her dad's house to celebrate her birthday, Sarah and I were discussing life goals. Among these goals, which include selling the house and getting rich, I told her that it was necessary for me to join the 50 states marathon club http://www.50statesmarathonclub.com/50dc/index.html. I thought it would be fun because it would give us a chance to do a mini-family vacation from time to time in a new state. It will be fun except when we have to go to North Dakota. Fargo jokes are not really funny anymore.

I have only run one marathon so far, and unfortunately it does not count towards one of the 50 states. I ran the SunTrust National Marathon this past March and it is probably the only marathon in the country that doesn't count. Here are the list of rules: http://www.50statesmarathonclub.com/50dc/rules.html . It says: 1. The Marine Corps Marathon counts as Virginia because it starts and ends in Virginia. Additionally, the National Marathon and/or Washington DC Marathon, which begin and end inside DC do not count towards the state count because the District of Columbia is not a state. Woops.

The next marathon I will run is the Philadelphia Marathon on November 21st. Philadelphia will hopefully count towards Pennsylvania. I'll try to do two marathons a year until Maksim and his future brothers and sisters get bigger and the PhD is done. After that I will try and finish 3 or 4 a year. I will give myself a deadline of November 21st, 2035.

Here is a picture of something:

party info

Sarah and I are hazzing people over on Saturday. Feel free to stop by. Attached is a wonderful flyer I just made. Bring a fishing rod if you would like. I can point you in the direction of a stream.

Other things to tell you. Jean shorts are required. Black denim preferred, unless you can find shorts that have looney tune patches or patches of all of the teams in the NBA. If you fashion shorts out of a starter jacket, I will waive the denim requirement.

Other things that are probably good to tell you. Food will be provided I think, and maybe some beer, but you're better off bringing what you want to drink. I bought a 6 pack of Foster's the other day because I was feeling Australian. That beer is crap. There are 5 bottles of that left, so FIRST COME FIRST SERVE. We don't have parking, but the bar across the street does. You can park there or we can figure out another place for you to park. I will talk to the bar though and let them know people are coming in jean shorts. They may ask for you to park behind the bar. That's fine too.

Oh, the thing starts at 3 and it will go on for a few hours, but I will ask you to leave if you fail my state capitol quiz that will occur spontaneously and frequently. So I'd recommend you all study your state capitols. The state capitol of Pennsylvania is Harrisburg, although I will accept the answer of Aston.

Any questions, plz feel free to email or text me. I will not answer phone calls prior to Saturday.

New York Knicks are BACK!!!!

This offseason was supposed to be the offseason that got the Knicks back on the basketball map. I think that it is safe to say they did that and more. Let me explain.

If they could not get LeBron, they could always resort to Plan B, which for the Knicks was evidently a brilliant plan to get rid of their best player for a new player that plays the same position, is more expensive, more prone to be injured, has a history of clashing with the current coach, and is not significantly better than the player who was moved in the first place. I know what you're thinking. That Plan B sounds better than most teams Plan A's. Well it is. And they weren't done there!

Trading David Lee for three great Golden State Warriors, two guys with great potential and the third being an undersized center with a heart condition, so you can overpay Amar'e Stoudemire is just one of the reasons I am a die-hard Knicks fan. What other organization pulls off such great moves? While the fact that David Lee averaged 20 points and 12 rebounds last year is nice, he unfortunately has never had microfracture knee surgery. Amar'e has. Thanks for nothing DLee! This surgery proves that Amar'e is better.

I know what you're thinking. The Miami Heat signed three superstars and the Knicks only got one. Well, don't forget, the Knicks traded away all their first round picks in this draft and the next couple of drafts, to eliminate any chance of them winning a lottery to draft a franchise-type player like Patrick Ewing, Kevin Durant, or LeBron James. Instead the Knicks capitalized on their second round picks by drafting Andy Rautins, and in doing so proved experts wrong who thought that he would go undrafted, and with their other pick they selected another player that no one in the world has ever heard of. But besides, the Knicks just signed Timofey Mozgov to play center. Yes, that Timofey Mozgov. The Timofey Mozgov who dominated the Russian league last year by averaging 7.5 points, 4.8 rebounds, and 1.0 blocks in 32 games. Everyone knows that when converting this to the NBA currency, you get 1.3 points, 0.7 rebounds, and 0 blocks in 14 games.

So now, with Stoudemire and Mozgov, the Knicks have their two stars. They need a third. AND THEY DO! The last great move the Knicks made was signing stellar point guard, Raymond Felton. On Felton, D'Antoni states: "We added a quality point guard who played in the playoffs last year, so it is really very exciting." He fails to mention that the Bobcats were swept out of the playoffs, but at the end of the day both LeBron and Felton have zero rings so it is still too early to tell who is the better player.

Here's to another great season of tanking I mean fighting for the playoffs! See you again next year when the Knicks fail to sign Carmelo Anthony because of the guaranteed lockout.

2 kudos from Johnny

I don't understand blogger or blogspot. I don't know why I can't understand, but right now it is real confusing for me. I can't find the kudos button. and this is sad. Hopefully this bear will dance for you:



I'm giving blood today in a few minutes. In exactly 126 minutes (@ the time of this typing, not @ the time this was posted). That probably is a lot more than a few minutes. Unless you are the one who needs the blood. Then that doesn't seem like a lot at all.

Speaking of important things, Ocho Cinco tweeted that he was playing slots in Vegas in his underwear. He also included a picture. I'll post this picture as well:



He needs to win so he can buy some clothes.

That's about it for now. I bought M.I.A's new cd. It has a lyric that goes "The head bone is connected to the head phone. The head phone is connected to the iPhone. The iPhone is connected to the internet connected to the google connected to the government." Thought that lyric was relevant...SINCE...this blog is connected to the government as well. It's the last thing O'bama reads at night before he goes to sleep. Well. He doesn't actually read it. It is read to him by a giant shark.




I have been asked to participate in an art show that is currently called "Lumberjacks in Tuxedos". I have respectfully accepted.