For the Russians ;-)

Instructions: Read this blog a lot of times to find out what really happened when Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh got together the other day. K?

When it rains a lot I drill holes in my backyard hoping to find off-shore oil.LEBRON I don't have a permit for this...yet...but one day I will.JAMES Perhaps I will find a permit the same time I strike oil. While I don't have a permit, I do have a disaster plan in place. My first plan is to pretend nothing happened. If my neighbors question the sludge making their way from my yard to their yards I will then say, Oh it will go away in a day. TO If they come back after two days and say, It's getting worse, I will say KNICKS: OK, I'll take care of it.

Since I don't expect there to be a problem, I feel I don't really need a plan in place if it gets worse than described above. WADE But since I need to be prepared for all scenarios, this is what I will do. First I will try to sell the house. I will hide the leaking oil out back with a series of tarps that will be purchased from Home Depot. STAYS If the home buyer asks what is under the tarps, I will say "What tarps?" and distract them by showing them how well the garden hose works.

If the house doesn't sell after two or three months, I will resort to WHO plan x. CARES I will fill the hole with leaves from the tree. This plan is easiest during the fall. If it is not the fall when this occurs, we will unfortunately ABOUT have to wait until the fall. Leaves generally don't fall in other BOSH? seasons.

You may be wondering about the animals. ANY While I don't know what to do about the animals indigenous to the area, such as squirrels and ants, I do know how to take care of any otters or dinosaurs that might be affected QUESTIONS by my leaky well. POKE Otters like throwing garbage into Canadian rivers, so I will be sure to ME take a bunch of garbage cans and place them very far from the oil spill. ON All the dinosaurs will be given FACEBOOK Hazmat suits since it is tough to control dinosaurs.

Aliveness. A photoless photo essay with photos

In under 24 hours we will all be a little bit taller. How is this possible? I'll explain in a minute. But regardless of how, it is obvious that the statement itself is true. It is true because it is written in an old book that on June 30th, 2010 every alive being will get taller. The book's oldness self-verifies its being truthful. It does not matter that the book is found in the Fiction section in some bookstores. What was fiction a billion years ago is nonfiction today. Everyone knows this. Some bookstore owners are just too lazy to reorganize. For this sin they will be the only alive beings to not grow taller tomorrow.

This mysterious book that was mentioned in the previous paragraph was written a long time ago in a far away land. It was found by people who look for stuff in the dirt. These people, who look in the dirt, are usually looking for bones, books, oil, runaways, etc. It should be of no concern that the gentlemen who found this book were all real tiny. Although it is slightly troubling to think that these tiny people would happen to find an old book that predicts height in the future,in the exact spot they were digging. Maybe this is more than slightly troubling. Maybe it was a set up.

Further analysis of the book shows that in order for alive beings to get taller on the date I mentioned in the fourth sentence of paragraph #1 the book finders had to do a bunch of things. To write up all the requirements would take a long time for promised growth and I don't feel like recapping everything. The book is available in stores, either in the nonfiction or fiction section depending on the owner's motivation, so you are free to purchase it for yourself to read all about it. To sum it up, the finders had to do good stuff and not do bad stuff. The book outlined what was good and what was bad. Brushing your teeth fell under good. Decapitation by ax fell under bad. The book isn't clear on if it is acceptable to decapitate non-teeth brushers with an ax. Some readers thought it was ok to do so. Others were not so sure. Both used evidence from the book to support their interpretation. The result was not pretty.

If promised height was not enough motivation, the book also introduced the warning that failure to meet the requirements will result in a mass-shrinking on the 30th of June, year 2010. The introduction of this threat, which is found on page 57 of the third edition, was necessary, because without it, the taller members of the population would not have been motivated to meet the requirements because the promise of increased height was not enticing to them. As far as they were concerned, they were plenty tall. But introducing the threat of decreasing in size put everybody on the same page. Gotta meet these requirements.

And that they did. Don't be surprised if your pants seem a little shorter tomorrow.

Eye twitch

My eye has been twitching for a couple of days now. It is pretty annoying. If I had to rank the annoyance on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd easily give it an 8.

I'm overdue on the Maksim blog. I'll do that when I find sometime, but for now let me just say he is awesome. He already stands and walks around and he is just over a month old. Yesterday he wanted to drive to New Jersey. But then I told him about the left turn deal. He's not into jug handles so he opted to sit in the swing instead.

I ran in the woods with James on Sunday. He is fresh off some 50 mile race where he placed in the top 10. That is pretty good. We ran for about an hour and a half along some trails within Ridley Creek State Park. I had to use the restroom at one point because my Cocoa Puffs weren't sitting well in my stomach. The restroom in this sad story happened to be a tree. Thankfully James runs with toilet paper.

I wonder if that is why the eye twitch has started. I was probably bit by a poisonous spider.