year of the machete (the NBA saved itself)

Lou Williams is a basketball player for the Philadelphia 76ers. Prior to the NBA season starting, Lou Williams was celebrating Christmas by driving around Manayunk, when a robber approached his car with a gun. Lou Williams looked at the robber and said "I am Lou Williams, 6th man and by far the most clutch player on the Philadelphia 76ers. Instead of robbing me, why don't I treat you to McDonald's drive-thru". The robber liked this idea and opted to not rob the rich man and hopped in.

The above story is true because Lou Williams not only said that it was true, but he also tweeted it. While most of my tweets are lies (when I feel like tweeting), I feel confident that all athletes speak the truth. Why would Lou Williams make up such an absurd story? Would-be robbers should be allowed to roam the yuppie hills of Manayunk. Just pack your cars full of McDoubles.

Other thoughts and observations of the first half-week of the NBA:

1. The NBA is by far the greatest league. I go back and forth with MLB, but Stern smacked some sense into me when he prevented CP3 from going to the Lakers. The Lakers freaked out and traded Lamar Odom to their main rival for nothing, deciding that giving Odom's minutes to Josh McRoberts is the way to go (and after watching some of the Lakers-Bulls game on Christmas day, it might not be that bad of an idea after all. Mike Brown on the other hand is a terrible idea). Also, the Timberwolves signed JJ Barea for a lot of money for a lot of years. I love this game.

2. The Knicks look good, which is important because I am a Knicks fan. They beat the Celtics, who didn't have Paul Pierce, which is a sign of improvement since they went 0-8 against them last year (thanks to Marv Albert for the stat). Iman Shumpert was the only one on the team not nicknamed Melo who really impressed me. Then he sprained his MCL and the Knicks were forced to sign that point guard kid out of Harvard because there other options are too old (Mike Bibby) or too fat (Baron Davis). It's weird to miss Raymond Felton.

3. I remembered that League Pass was free for a few days, so I decided to watch the Wolves-Bucks game instead of the Heat-Celtics that TNT was forcing down my throat. Ricky Rubio looks better than expected. He somehow makes easy passes seem extremely difficult, however, so I expect Michael Beasley to be confused for most of the year. Derrick Williams and Kevin Love should work well together, so if the Wolves can somehow ship JJ Barea (and thus, break up "Los Lobos") for a SG, they will be pretty fun to watch.

4. My secret santa sent me a machete (not lying).

Ikea

Dear IKEA,

I am writing to you today because I had difficulty finding spare hardware from two Ikea locations (one urban and one suburban) for the Mammut crib I bought from you in 2010. I had to disassemble the crib and bring it over to my mother-in-law's house for a spell because we were staging our house in a different way to make it more desirable to buy because we have had difficulty selling it (reference #OccupyWallStreet for starters). Also, the baby was not digging the crib yet, as he prefers to sleep in his pack-and-play. However, babies grow and it is now time to go back into his crib. So I went to my mother-in-law's to get the crib and brought it back home. I put the crib together per your instructions and was saddened to realize my error. I had lost one bolt assembly in the move. This bolt assembly's lone responsibility in life is to hold up one quarter (1/4) of the mattress. I had three of his friends, but this one assembly evidently went Nemo on us. Without this little guy, the mattress would cave-in whenever weight would approach its corner. Translated- Not Baby Safe (NBS).

I decided to bring this issue to the fine Ikea located in South Philadelphia to only be greeted by the following fine exchange between two charming customer service representatives. Let me preface this by saying I am not in anyway mad at the employees. They deal with less handsome and more angry customers on the regular. My anger is more geared at the curious policies being followed by your confusing company.

"I need these parts" (basically a bolt, a nut, a washer, and a non-threaded eyeloop). I had an example of what I needed (Nemo's friends) and the assembly instructions with the part ID. The rep checked and said they didn't have the eye loop.

"Can I order that eyeloop?" was met with a "No".

"Well how can I get the part?" was answered with a "You can keep checking back in".

I said, "Oh, well when do you get parts deliveries" to which the other, more disinterested rep replied "we get parts deliveries twice a year".

I said, "Well I guess I don't really have to keep checking in. When's the next delivery". Disinterested replies "we got this year's delivery already."

Since checking back in to see if the delivery that wasn't expected had arrived was not the ideal solution, I requested to speak to a manager. The manager also searched for the part and he said it also was not in stock and not able to be ordered. The reason crib parts are not stocked is because Ikea can't make money off rebuilding cribs because it is illegal to sell a used crib. That's fine. But I asked if they still sold the crib, which they did, and if so how would someone get a part if it was missing in the box. He replied that he didn't know and he told me to check next door at Lowe's. Lowe's couldn't match the threadless eyeloop and the employee there cursed Ikea as apparently they regularly send customers to Lowe's to find Ikea-designed hardware. Most eyeloops have threads. I was tempted to have the Ikea manager help me shop in Lowe's but I had my son with me who was getting hungry, so I went home.

Once I got home I was pretty flyered (angry but also excited about hockey) up so I left the baby with my wife and headed to Conshohocken. Once there I was informed of this policy:

"No longer have the receipt, or it's over 90 days from the date of purchase?: IKEA does carry replacement parts for a majority of our products; however, we cannot guarantee availablity. In most cases, spare parts are only issued for items that have damaged or missing parts upon receipt, if the return is made within 90 days of the purchase date.
If you no longer have a receipt, many of our store locations have bins of the most commonly used hardware in the Customer Service/Returns Desk area. Depending on quantity, charges may apply."

This policy basically means that spare parts are available for products bought within 90 days. For those of you who bought the product outside of 90 days, there are no parts unless the store is lucky enough to have it. You cannot order them. While understanding the logic (not really) I really wanted the parts so I figured I would just start shouting. The customer service rep (at the new location) decided to actually look and was able to locate the eyeloop. She was more shocked than I was. I still needed clarification on why spare parts could not even be ordered if I was willing to pay cash money. Her answer was, well we are the only furniture store that replaces its own hardware. I replied, well you kind of have to provide replacements for your own hardware because a lot of it is Ikea specific. She didn't know how to handle that one. I asked her what I would have to do if she didn't have that eyeloop and she implied that I would have to buy a new crib. This seemed like a great customer service solution. "Lost one bolt? Buy a new crib". A crib that is not yet two years old that has barely been used is not able to be used because of a policy that refuses to deal with customers that have been loyal for over 90 days. I decided to leave since I have now collected 3/4 of Nemo and I think I matched the bolt up pretty well at Ace. I will put it together and hope for the best.

I hope that you can explain to me the reasoning why hardware is not made available for sale. The hardware at Ikea is not compatible with most stuff found at regular hardware stores (the manager at Ikea told me the bolts are better at Lowe's anyway...really nice to hear from someone selling cribs to families) so it needs to be made available to customers who bought stuff over 90 days ago.

Laterz,
Todd

4ever blog

A

billion years ago
you read this blog

and you liked it.

Now

not so much.

It's pretty bad. I could tell you about the new fish accessories I bought.
I willn't though. I will do my best to never say anything about it.

But it will cost you your IP address



In a not so serious note, it was determined a long time ago that

Two really expensive songs

for free


The Cat That Lived Outside

I was born in Iceland

2011 Delaware Marathon recap

I ran in the Delaware Marathon this past Sunday, which happened to also be known as May 15th. It was hard. It was my third marathon and it counted towards my second state. 48 more states to go. It was by far the hardest of the three. The Philadelphia Marathon and the Sun Trust National Marathon (DC) are much easier in comparison. The reason being that the Delaware Marathon has hills. Not a ton of hills, but enough to be annoying. It was a looped course (2 loops) and the hills popped up around mile 8 or 9 and mile I don't know 16 or 17. That math probably doesn't make sense, but it was the same hill. I think the rise was for a good mile/mile and a half. Coming down the hill was surprisingly harder than going up the hill for me. I think that explains something about my training.

I signed up for the Delaware Marathon because it was the second closest marathon to my house. Although I think Wilmington might be a few minutes closer than Philadelphia. The Delaware Marathon is real cool because I think there are only about 750 marathoners allowed to enter. There are 2000 runners total for the weekend, when combining the relay, the marathon, and the half marathon. I may have made those numbers up. The marathon starts about 5 minutes before the relay and about 20 minutes before the half marathon. This leads to not a lot of congestion. I'm pretty sure the National and Philadelphia started marathoners and half-marathoners together, so it is real crowded for the first 13. The negative about the Delaware Marathon was the email subscription list. You basically did not get any emails. Maybe 2. So you just had to hope there wasn't anything updated. The website was a good source of information I guess.

When it was about May 13th, I started to realize I had to run a marathon on May 15th. I bought new socks and an anti-chaffing stick. Not like a stick from a tree. More like a deodarant stick. Oh I bought some Gu. On the 14th I went to the expo which was small and fast to get through. I got my #, a free pint glass, and a shirt to wear when I want. I wore it earlier today actually. Then I drove home and we had Maksim's birthday party at Ridley Creek State Park.

The next morning I woke up at 5 and drove back to Wilmington. I went to the bathroom at home. At Dunkin Donuts on the way. At the port-o-potty spot (long line but went fast). And in the train station (secret spot). Then I lined up and they shot a gun that sounded like a large bomb. We all started running. By mile 3 I realized I was going to have an awful day. The part of my right hip/groin (huh?) showed signs it was going to appear at mile 16 again. I wasn't into running at all and I was tempted to run back to my car, which was parked on the route. I decided that I wouldn't get my car then, but I would hop in it if I still felt crappy at mile 15. It was raining early in the race which caused my glasses to fog.

Since I couldn't see a damn thing I ran slow. Even if I could see I woulda ran slow. Wasn't into it at all. Then at mile 4 or 5 some dude started talking to me. I usually hate talking and running, but I guess something changed. It was easy to do. First dude was in his mid-40s and he has won a 50 mile race before. I said WOW. I told him I won a 5K once but it was kind of sketchy because I technically came in second and I might not have even really paid for it. Then we talked about the Schuylkill River. Then he ran faster than I did at a water stop. I didn't try to catch up. He might have run past me during one of the loops back in, but I wouldn't have recognized him because I talked to him during the I CAN'T SEE part of the marathon. I'm sure he didn't win.

At the end of the marathon I somehow managed to run with some 66 year old dude. This was one when I was doing the run-walk-hobble that began around mile 16 when my leg stopped working again. He had on his 50 States marathon club shirt. It also said two times on it. So he has run a marathon in 50 states at least twice. When I told him that was my goal to do it once, he said don't do it 12 times. I'm not sure what that meant. He may have run it 12 times. He has run the Delaware Marathon 9 times. Which is how many times the race has been run. He was cool. He congratulated everybody that we passed or passed us. He congratulated the water giver outters and the traffic stoppers. He was cool. I forget his name. I saw him near the end of the race after talking calf cramps with some guy who ran the Virginia Beach Marathon around mile 25. I was feeling better so I left VBM guy and hobble ran a decent finish. A half mile from the end I saw the 66 year old dude again. I asked if he wanted to run the loop again. He said I was crazy. Then he said I ran a good race. And then he took off. I didn't catch up. It was really cool. I'm sure he ran another loop.

Slowest marathon yet, but easily the most fun. I'm not able to repeat marathons but I would do this one again. Maybe when I'm 66 I'll do it.

Unproofread is what the above is. Hope it's coherent enough.

the sign on the side of the road that no one ever saw.

The sign on the side of the road was hidden by a tree. The giant tree kept whatever was on the sign secret from the drivers driving by but it seemed to be ok because the street was a pretty safe one and there had not been any accidents in all of my years of driving on that street. Well maybe there was one or two accidents, but I think I might have only read about them in a newspaper. One story went along with the following title:

"Accident on Montgomery Street. Everybody was more than Fine"

I remember that day, reading about the accident. It was the most pleasant accident story ever written. It stated that Mr. Cosmo and Ms. Dee bumped cars accidentally when they both slowed down suddenly to try and get the other's attention. They bendered the fenders every so slightly but neither seemed to mind as they both rolled into the street to meet with a kiss. I love you Ms. Dee shouted Mr. Cosmo as he fell in the street. Yes Yes Yes Ms. Dee shouted. Everyone else on the street pulled over to applaud. It was a sure a strange, but pleasant news article. I think I read it once or twice just to confirm the words were there. I threw the paper away a little later that week, but the story remained over the years, but to be honest I stopped thinking about it a while ago.

That was until one day I was driving again along Montgomery St. when I was slowed to a crawl. Construction up ahead. Ahead we crept in our cars, and the reason for the delay was the tree was coming down by the street crew. It took a few days to chop down the giant tree, and as I drove by each day the sign became more and more clear until it was there for everyone to see.

the fat-faced dog

There was a fat-faced dog on my paper route. He sat on the porch when it was nice out. When he saw me coming, he'd get up and start to come down the stairs to chase me. He'd get down about three steps before the rope he was tied to would pull him back up. He'd look at me and I would peddle away on my stupid little bike. Once in a while I'd taunt that fat-faced dog, by shouting stuff like "Hey fat-faced dog, your face is fat", but for the most part I wanted to get done delivering papers so I could go home and make a glass of chocolate milk and watch cartoons.

I kept that paper route for a few years. When I got older, I eventually decided to work in a grocery store, so I gave up the paper route. At that grocery store, I was forced to deal with people on a regular basis. Can you put the meat in separate bags? Can you carry that to my car? Other people just demanded things. Paper and plastic. Hurry up, I have to go home. Whenever I tried to get away for a minute, someone would call me back. There is always work to be done at a grocery store.

Every once in a while I would walk around my old neighborhood after a day at the grocery store. I would pass the fat-faced dog's house. When it was nice out, he'd be there on the porch. Even though he was older and his face was even fatter, he'd run down the stairs to try and get me. And I would occassionally walk over to pet him on his fat head. He was a good dog.

Where I was when they captured Saddam

I guess all the OBL news has had me wondering about how people are supposed to feel when big things happen. I guess that's the big debate going on right about now. Should people be wooting and burning stuff in the street, or should they be chilling and praying to their God and whatnot? To me, the reaction doesn't really matter. People will find something to be pissed off about whatever the outcome may be. That be what makes people, people? Am I right? (I'm not apologizing for any of the stupidity found in the first few sentences of this blog, k?) (I understand there are grammatical errors, but they are used to make a point) (I'm not sure what the point is though, because I am an idiot). People separate themselves from lessers by being able to find the ability to get pissed off about basically whatever they want. I know people who hate American Idol. Other people seem to love it. If a TV show is going to bring out a debate, I guess a military-ordered death will as well. "So react how you want, just don't react around me"-Martin Luther King.

That is not really a Martin Luther King quote, it is a slight variation of a lyric found in a Bad Religion song.

I didn't riot at the OBL news, but I didn't boohoo none neither. My best friend growing up was a pacifist labrador retriever, but all the same I'm totes happy that OBL is no longer around. Perhaps contradictory, but I'm sure Ladybug would understand.


I tried to remember if the capturing of Saddam caused a similar reaction. Did Phillies and Mets fans hug in the streets? Did college campuses go bonkers? I have no idea. I heard about the Saddam news when I was laying face down on the carpet in Maguire's living room in Albany. Me and Jones visited him for some crappy party, and then crashed at Maguire's new apartment. The apartment was pretty boring and I think Maguire was trying to save money so he didn't let us turn the heat on, even though I remember his apartment was real cold. Jones called the couch, which was fine, because I have no problem sleeping on a floor. I remember Maguire's carpet smelling really good. There were lots of jokes about how good the carpet smelled. Most of them were inappropriate. But anyway, we drank a lot then passed out in our designated pass-out space. Maguire in his bed, Jones on the couch, me on the floor. Since it was so cold, Jones took down Maguire's curtains to use as blankets at some point in the night.

I remember waking up to Maguire freaking out. Maguire is military, and he ran in the room to turn on his television. Jones was excited. I wasn't excited, I was really hung over and cold. We watched the news programs all morning, and Maguire was confident that we had won. It was cool joining in on his winning attitude, but I was still pretty hungover. We probably made fun of Jones for the rest of the morning and then found greasy food somewhere.

The first time I saw Osama die

OBL is now dead. This short blog is not about that. It is more about the other time he died. I have more information about that because I was there and I saw it happen. So I will share.

It was the spring semester of my senior season at college. I was a nitwit kid with a couple of radio shows on the college station. They were good shows. Steve and I yelled at each other while Mike and I ignored one another. One thing was certain. When GWAR was in town we would go. So we did. Although my memory refuses to confirm Mike and Steve's attendance. It can, however, confirm with certitude that Dan was in attendance. It may have even have been Dan's idea to go see GWAR at Tink's.

To understand why that is funny, you have to first realize a little bit more about Dan. Dan didn't like loud music. He liked DMB or other cargo short wearing music. I took him to a punk show our sophomore year at Sea-Sea's and he got spit on by some kid. This made him not go to anymore shows with me. Because even if he did like some of the crap I listened to, he couldn't tolerate nitwit kids who do stupid shit at shows. Can't blame him. So for Dan to suggest a GWAR show, it was funny. I wasn't big into GWAR, but I decided it is a show to go to at least once in your lifetime. So we went. It was at Tink's.

A GWAR show is fun because they dress up in monster costumes and throw up on the crowd. At the particular show I went to, they had some people that they were going to sacrifice to their gods. They killed Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, as well as Mike Tyson and George Bush. The music was real loud, and during the executions blood and guts would spill out into the crowd. I jumped on top of everyone and surfed my way up to the front to see what death felt like. A good time was had by all.

Dan watched from the bar in the balcony.

Early birthday present for dadd- i mean Maksim

Broad Street Run

Most recent:

May 1st: Broad Street Run. Completed my third Broad Street Run. It was fun. I ran my fastest time so far in this highly uncharming ten-miler. 01:22:46. That was five minutes faster than I ran last year. Which is misleading because it was 400 degrees last year. I think I could have ran 01:22:47 last year, but that weather was just too brutal. I probably could have ran 01:20:34 this year but my stomach warned me that if I didn't find a tullet we were gonna have issues. So at the water stop at mile 8 I dove face first into a port-o-tullet and upside-downed whatever it was that was bugging me. I recorded a PR in said tullet, washed off with invisible soap and ran a decent final two miles to record my new ten-mile PR, breaking that silly beach race I did last year. I decide to sprint with some derelicts at the finish just to ensure a sub-01:23:00 finish.

For whatever reason I felt like death all last night. I decided I like the Broad Street Run and I will try to run it every year. Next year I plan to beat Ndeh, who surprised me with his 01:18:16 because before the race he was telling me how his 5 Hour Energy was wearing off. Ndeh seems like the dude who doesn't train, but just shows up, drinks a 5 hour energy, then beats you in a ten-mile race which you have trained somewhat regularly for. Next year, Ndeh.

In addition, I am completely not looking forward to the marathon in under two weeks. Not feeling these Nike Frees at all. After the marathon I might try the New Balance Minimus jawns, but if they suck, I'm going back to cushioning.

Completed:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid. Turned out to be more fun than expected.

February 19th: Healthy Choice 5K. I was in Florida for some school junk. Wanted to run a race, so I found out that this 5K and the marathon were going on 2 minutes away from my motel. I was able to sign up late for the marathon, but a class schedule ruined that plan. So instead I did this 5K at Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. It seemed like a nice park, but the 5K included a looped course. Looped courses in a state park seems like a cop-out on race design, so I was a little disappointed. I ran a decent time, which shows that I have almost been able to keep in shape this cold winter. 5K time was not as fast as what I was running in the Fall, but I'll take it.

March 13th: Janet Massey Breast Cancer 5K One of the stranger races I have run. This 5K was organized by a student organization at Neumann University. I appreciate that a lot of effort is needed to run a successful 5K. I feel that the organization did put a solid effort into organizing this race, but I feel that there were a few glitches. One of which was the online form, as I'm not convinced I even paid for this 5K. When I get more money I'll be sure to redonate to the cause. The other problem was it started forty minutes after it was posted. It was a sneak surprise start as there was no get ready warning. We just lined up and a horn was set off. That's fine. The race was at Ridley Creek State Park, which is my homefield advantage. It was an out-and-back race, so the great downhill start meant there was going to be an uphill climb at the finish. So I let a few people go ahead of me because I planned on picking them off at the end. My plan worked and I finished second in the race. The guy who finished first didn't want to be considered the winner because he was part of the organizing group, so it'll go down as my first 5K win. So I won a race I didn't really win and I'm not even sure I paid for. I like it.

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I signed up for both. Next year I probably don't need to do the 5K. But I think I will do the half marathon again. The course was nice. And the participant size was pretty great. Wilmington is a weird town though. RESULTS

Registered:



May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh



Possible:


August 28th: The Wild Half. Half-marathon in Wildwood, NJ. I think it's the first one.

the plan

Hello,

I am forwarding you all the latest WATERSKI magazine e-newsletter. Before you scroll down to that, I request that you read a couple lines of words. The words are found below:

Thank you for taking the time to read this far. We are almost at the WATERSKI magazine e-newsletter. For those of you who know me, you know I have three loves in my life. They are my family, Philadelphia Flyers hockey, and waterskiing. I'm a big fan of waterskiing. I'm not that good at it yet, but with practice I'm sure I'll get real good. I own a snowboard and it rains a lot where I live. And I know people who can drive cars. That is Step 1. Practice

Step 2. I am running a marathon in Wilmington Delaware in exactly one month. My goal is to win it. Chances are I will not come close to winning it. My other goal is to raise money to build schools in places of the world that people generally don't care too much about. If you don't care, that is fine. But I care. And you care about my waterskiing career. The two are related. So donations are required. Go to this page and donate 5 dollars: http://www.crowdrise.com/safetyroperunsDonation is Step 2.

Step 3. You are probably asking why? Why should I donate? You are probably thinking, Hey, we are in a recession and the NFL is in a lockout. Rich people are arguing about how to best split up 6 billion dollars. The only legitimate concern in this dumb negotiation is the concern for retired NFL players with health issues who also have zero dollars. They should be taken care of. I say each player gives up a car. Wait. Wrong spot for an NFL rant. Ignore the rant, but follow Step 3. Step 3 is boycott the NFL. Don't play fantasy football. Don't buy a stupid shirt or a helmet with beer can holders on the side (actually you can buy that). Just give me $5 dollars. See Step 2.

Step 4. Waterski your faces off.

Kindest regards,

Ted


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: WATERSKI magazine
Date: Fri, Apr 15, 2011 at 10:01 AM
Subject: The Crossover Evolution, Video: Sport Nautique 200, Centurion's Backstage Pass


The Crossover Evolution, Video: Sport Nautique 200, Centurion's Backstage Pass

- Hide quoted text -







Behind The Scenes: Crossover Evolution
Although crossovers are the newest breed of inboard, they're practically dominating the market. Find out how crossovers have evolved and where they're heading in the future...
[click to continue]Video: Sport Nautique 200
WATERSKI takes the versatile new Sport Nautique 200 for a test drive...
[click to continue]

Three New Wallpapers
Decorate your desktop with three new water ski beauty shots...
[click to continue]

Back In Action
Four tips to save your back on deepwater starts...
[click to continue]




[Contest]

Win A Straightline RS Series
With molded nylon arms, a unique dyneema bridal and a design that prolongs rope life, the new RS water ski handle provides unmatched response for all levels of riders...
[enter to win]




[First Look]

Your Centurion Backstage Pass
Join Ricky Gonzalez, Drew Daniello and more in a working photo shoot surrounded by the latest top-secret Centurion products...
[click to continue]


HO Syndicate Welcomes Travers
With an under-21 division world title and a national slalom record, Jon Travers is the newest member of HO Syndicate...
[click to continue]


Ski School Primer
There's nothing like a trained eye watching your technique to help you identify and break bad habits...
[click to continue]




advertisement

WATERSKI EXTRAS

Video: Sans Rival SR2 Slalom Ski
Todd Ristorcelli breaks down this high-end European carbon ski...
[click to continue]


Video: Asher Skis HO Syndicate A2
Bob LaPoint and Will Asher share their shape philosophy behind the new Syndicate A2....
[click to continue]


Get Better Now: Shred-Ready Tips
Let the world's best rippers help you reach the next level...
[click to continue]








More from waterskimag.com:





Copyright © Bonnier Corporation, 460 N. Orlando Ave., Suite 200, Winter Park, FL 32789

Race schedule (Updated)

Completed:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid. Turned out to be more fun than expected.

February 19th: Healthy Choice 5K. I was in Florida for some school junk. Wanted to run a race, so I found out that this 5K and the marathon were going on 2 minutes away from my motel. I was able to sign up late for the marathon, but a class schedule ruined that plan. So instead I did this 5K at Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. It seemed like a nice park, but the 5K included a looped course. Looped courses in a state park seems like a cop-out on race design, so I was a little disappointed. I ran a decent time, which shows that I have almost been able to keep in shape this cold winter. 5K time was not as fast as what I was running in the Fall, but I'll take it.

March 13th: Janet Massey Breast Cancer 5K One of the stranger races I have run. This 5K was organized by a student organization at Neumann University. I appreciate that a lot of effort is needed to run a successful 5K. I feel that the organization did put a solid effort into organizing this race, but I feel that there were a few glitches. One of which was the online form, as I'm not convinced I even paid for this 5K. When I get more money I'll be sure to redonate to the cause. The other problem was it started forty minutes after it was posted. It was a sneak surprise start as there was no get ready warning. We just lined up and a horn was set off. That's fine. The race was at Ridley Creek State Park, which is my homefield advantage. It was an out-and-back race, so the great downhill start meant there was going to be an uphill climb at the finish. So I let a few people go ahead of me because I planned on picking them off at the end. My plan worked and I finished second in the race. The guy who finished first didn't want to be considered the winner because he was part of the organizing group, so it'll go down as my first 5K win. So I won a race I didn't really win and I'm not even sure I paid for. I like it.

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I signed up for both. Next year I probably don't need to do the 5K. But I think I will do the half marathon again. The course was nice. And the participant size was pretty great. Wilmington is a weird town though. RESULTS
Registered:




May 1st: Broad Street Run. Country's biggest 10 miler I think. A pretty mandatory thing to do at least once if you live in Philly. This will be my third in a row. I don't know why I feel the need to keep running in it. I guess because Keith Coleman signed up. The midwife who delivered Maksim will probably be running too so that's cool.

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh



Possible:



April 17th: Dash for Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness. 10K

August 28th: The Wild Half. Half-marathon in Wildwood, NJ. I think it's the first one.

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime® 6.5 or higher is required.

2011 Race Schedule (updated)

Completed:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid. Turned out to be more fun than expected.

February 19th: Healthy Choice 5K. I was in Florida for some school junk. Wanted to run a race, so I found out that this 5K and the marathon were going on 2 minutes away from my motel. I was able to sign up late for the marathon, but a class schedule ruined that plan. So instead I did this 5K at Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. It seemed like a nice park, but the 5K included a looped course. Looped courses in a state park seems like a cop-out on race design, so I was a little disappointed. I ran a decent time, which shows that I have almost been able to keep in shape this cold winter. 5K time was not as fast as what I was running in the Fall, but I'll take it.

March 13th: Janet Massey Breast Cancer 5K One of the stranger races I have run. This 5K was organized by a student organization at Neumann University. I appreciate that a lot of effort is needed to run a successful 5K. I feel that the organization did put a solid effort into organizing this race, but I feel that there were a few glitches. One of which was the online form, as I'm not convinced I even paid for this 5K. When I get more money I'll be sure to redonate to the cause. The other problem was it started forty minutes after it was posted. It was a sneak surprise start as there was no get ready warning. We just lined up and a horn was set off. That's fine. The race was at Ridley Creek State Park, which is my homefield advantage. It was an out-and-back race, so the great downhill start meant there was going to be an uphill climb at the finish. So I let a few people go ahead of me because I planned on picking them off at the end. My plan worked and I finished second in the race. The guy who finished first didn't want to be considered the winner because he was part of the organizing group, so it'll go down as my first 5K win. So I won a race I didn't really win and I'm not even sure I paid for. I like it.

Registered:

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I'm signed up for both.



May 1st: Broad Street Run. Country's biggest 10 miler I think. A pretty mandatory thing to do at least once if you live in Philly. This will be my third in a row. I don't know why I feel the need to keep running in it. I guess because Keith Coleman signed up. The midwife who delivered Maksim will probably be running too so that's cool.

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh



Possible:

March 19th: 2011 Fight for Air Stair Climb

March 20th: Get your Rear in Gear 10K


April 2nd: Tyler Arboretum 10K Trail Race. Probably my favorite race.

April 17th: Dash for Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness. 10K

Maksim dunks Mr. Quack

Woot

Good time waster

This comic is a pretty great way to kill an hour.

This is the one about me:

2011 Race Schedule (UPDATE)

Completed:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid. Turned out to be more fun than expected.

February 19th: Healthy Choice 5K. I was in Florida for some school junk. Wanted to run a race, so I found out that this 5K and the marathon were going on 2 minutes away from my motel. I was able to sign up late for the marathon, but a class schedule ruined that plan. So instead I did this 5K at Hugh Taylor Birch State Park. It seemed like a nice park, but the 5K included a looped course. Looped courses in a state park seems like a cop-out on race design, so I was a little disappointed. I ran a decent time, which shows that I have almost been able to keep in shape this cold winter. 5K time was not as fast as what I was running in the Fall, but I'll take it.

Registered:



May 1st: Broad Street Run. Country's biggest 10 miler I think. A pretty mandatory thing to do at least once if you live in Philly. This will be my third in a row. I don't know why I feel the need to keep running in it. I guess because Keith Coleman signed up. The midwife who delivered Maksim will probably be running too so that's cool.

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh



Possible:

March 19th: 2011 Fight for Air Stair Climb

March 20th: Get your Rear in Gear 10K

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I'd like to do both.

April 2nd: Tyler Arboretum 10K Trail Race. Probably my favorite race.

April 17th: Dash for Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness. 10K

Cricket-straight outta compton

Click HERE.

"I don't think there are any cricket-playing gangsters”
End Quote
Alan Jackson

Deputy district attorney

in the sun i feel as one (or the sun smells too loud)

written by Sam X.Strawberry
edited by Lisa P. Donaldson and Martin P. Stuffedshirt
originally published in Popular Mechanics, October 32, 2008.

Reprinted here w/o permission. Song Lyrics and Titles listed in the title of this article were definitely used without permission as a singer of one perished long ago, and obtaining permission for the other requires learning the language of the Scots which seems much to difficult for a man of my intellectual limitations.

Thought about the sun some this morning on the drive to work. It was impossible not to as it was directly in front of me making it incredibly difficult to really see or think about anything else. I figured if there were cars in front of me I would be able to see them at the last second which would give me more then enough time to swerve into the guard rail. Luckily I made it to work without having to smash anything.

As I was staring directly into the sun, burning whatever is left of the parts of my eyes that are needed for seeing shit, I thought about one of the last things Kurt Vonnegut ever told me and that was Mother Nature was trying to abort us. With a summer of record 100 degree days and a winter with record levels of wind, cold, and snow (Eds. Note: Not really a record in either case as the world is older than 150 years old or however long humans discovered how easy it is to terrify the masses with the news), I had gone what felt like months without seeing the sun. But the extremes made me think Vonnegut was right.

I leave before it rises and I get home after it falls. Sure I have a window at work, but Mother's Nature plan of death required that the sun lurk behind the clouds for weeks at a time to let the ground slowly freeze during the day so when we leave our posts we'll slip and slide to the depths below.

So to see the sun this morning, and to see it loud and clear, was a welcomed site, despite the fact that I was operating an expensive piece of machinery that is considered one of humanity's greatest creation as it not only gets us from here to there, but it also plays a part in assisting the sun in Mother Nature's mission of getting rid of us before we get rid of her. Survival of the fittest, in a land of big losers, edges her way, unless it's a see-saw battle because then our collective mass will result in the dangling legs of the other side. If we leave our post it will all come crashing down. Which is what it may come to. Or an explosive vest could accompany the sun one early rising, which would make the nightly descent a memory for the ages.

WAKE UP DEAD

I haven't really been drinking a lot. Occassionally I'll drink a half a bottle of Brooklyn Brewery Chocolate Stout and then pour the other half down the sink. It's weird. All day I'll think about how I want to try a beer, and then I'll get home and not be into it anymore. But...

I am perhaps inspired again.

Thanks to Joe Sixpack's weekly six pack of the week in his friday email, I now am in urgent need of buying stock in Lefthand's Wake up Dead Imperial Stout. Imperial stouts are a little bit intense for me in my now not really drinking a lot stage of life, but if you're gonna call it Wake up Dead, I will drink it.

Nice job, Lefthand.




In other news I sort of really like the songs on the Julian Casablancas' album. I'm not sure if he has multiple albums out, but I like the one that Sarah downloaded. I didn't like it at first, but with each run they seem to get better and better. Like every other frat guy, I was real big into The Strokes when they came out, but got sick of them after the first album. But now I'm not so sure I should have given up on them. Cool punk lyric in the spirit of WAKE UP DEAD from above:

From the J. Casablancas song Out of the Blue:

"Yes, I know I'm going to Hell in a leather jacket
'Least I'll be in another world while you're pissing on my casket"

Pretty good punk lyric from this elitist rich kid.

Blogger

Everytime I log into Blogger I am welcomed with a nice message that says "Create a Blog: It is Free". That is why I blog. Because it is free. It's also cool because you can write stuff that makes you sound like an idiot because it is free. Like we are. Free idiots. Free to blog and free to get into credit card debt.

Blogger is stupid. Myspace blog was better. I feel better now.

I haven't really had many ideas to blog about today, but I wanted to exercise one of my last remaining freedoms so I consulted my friend Justin. He said this:

Jusba: oh is it tuesday
me: nah well maybe
waht should i blog about?
Sent at 3:33 PM on Tuesday
Jusba: oh
can you blog about me
as a princess in a castle
me: yep
great topic
Jusba: k
me: give me 8


So here it is.

A Story of Justin the Princess

It was starting to dawn on Justin that he was taking the joke too far. He realized this as he was sitting alone in one of the towers at the far end of the castle. He had locked himself inside. In a few minutes he was going to be required to accompany one of the visiting princes' to a dinner to be held in their honor. Justin finally admitted that he was no princess. He looked at his gown and his wig and he began to cry, taking occassional breaks to brush his hair. He had to get out of this situation. He locked himself in the tower to buy a little time. He knew they were going to find him. They thought he was a she.

As he was crying and grooming, a plan popped up in his head. I can take off my wig and beautiful gown and just open the door as the regular man I am. They will never know. When asked if I saw the princess I will say "Princess? No, I was just fixing the cable". That seemed plausible enough. Justin disrobed and put on a pair of jeans and a Cafe Press t-shirt. He threw the wig down the tullet. He unlocked the door and entered the main hallway. There were princes everywhere, each with a nice princess. There was one prince who was princessless and he was scrambling around the shop looking for his date. He ran up to Justin. "Have you seen Princess Justin?".

"Nope, I'm just fixing the cable man".

"Oh, dang it, well if you see a princess with a beard lemme know."

"No problem."

And that was that.

Howie was late for work.

I was getting coffee at the coffee machine when Howie finally showed up. I looked at my watch and saw that it was almost eleven. I'm not Howie's boss and I don't care in the least that he was nearly two and a half hours late, but I do like to joke around with Howie everyonce in a while.

"A little late, huh Howie?"

"Yeah, I fell in a snow bank on the way in. HEE HEE HEE"

"Woah you ok?"

"I don't know. HEE HEE HEE"

Howie is old. He is real old. He might not be that old, but he's not in the best of shape so I assume that he is real old. Visually, I would compare him to a post-fall humpty dumpty. While I don't know exactly how old he is, I am pretty sure that he should find an easier way to get into work. Currently he walks a few blocks to catch the bus. The bus takes him to the subway. The subway takes him near work. Then he has to walk a few more blocks. He doesn't complain about that. While he is great at public transportation, he is not so great at fashion. "I have never worn a pair of jeans." He is also not so good at fast food. "I have never eaten a slice of pizza."

"Why not, Howie?"

"Why would I?"

There really isn't a way to win that argument. Why would he? So after I decided that an ambulance wasn't needed, Howie then decided to tell me more news. What kind of news? Well, death news.

"I buried a mouse this weekend."

"A mouse? Was it a pet."

"No. It was Christian burial. HEE HEE HEE"

"Ok well sorry about your loss, but I have to go do some work now."

Howie would then go to his cubicle to go to sleep for a few hours. I'd walk by every once in a while. I used to wake him up because I was afraid he would get in trouble, but after working here for a few years I have come to realize that no one cares what Howie does. In fact the less work Howie does the better. He is a good guy though. Well-liked and always good for a story. Even if it's the same story every other day.

2011 Race Schedule

Here's how I picture my 2011 race schedule to look. Real exciting blog today!

Registered:

January 29th: Polar Bear Plunge. I guess really not a race, but jumping into the Delaware River in January is still pretty stupid.

May 1st: Broad Street Run. Country's biggest 10 miler I think. A pretty mandatory thing to do at least once if you live in Philly. This will be my third in a row. I don't know why I feel the need to keep running in it. I guess because Keith Coleman signed up. The midwife who delivered Maksim will probably be running too so that's cool.

May 15th: Delaware Marathon. Third marathon. Second state. smh



Possible:

February 19th: "For the Love of Children" 5K. In stupid Florida

March 19th: 2011 Fight for Air Stair Climb

March 20th: Get your Rear in Gear 10K

March 27th: Citizens Bank Caesar Rodney Half Marathon & 5K. Half Marathon immediately follows 5K. I'd like to do both.

April 2nd: Tyler Arboretum 10K Trail Race. Probably my favorite race.

April 17th: Dash for Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness. 10K

Polar Cat

I need to raise $40 pretty fast because I want to go swimming in cold water. I actually needed to raise $50 but I was able to spend $10 on myself to help all of you out. Isn't that amazing? This money doesn't go to me, it goes to the Special Olympics, which is a good cause. So hopefully at least four of you can hook me up with $10 and we're good to go. Or maybe 40 of you can hook me up with $1 but that seems much more difficult. Please be advised that I can go over $50 in the event you want to donate everything you have. Good advice?

Still running so I'll bug you about that later, but that fundraising has slowed way down. Never did a polar bear thing so I figured it'd be neat to check out once. If I get over $500 I'll do a barefoot 5K after the swim, K?

K, happy day. Here's a link that sends you some more info that I did not write, although I did pick the dope "Bubbles" background.

-Todd

http://specialolympicspa.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=442430&supid=319946008

Deception (Who let the catz out?)

"1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them."
-Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

"As long as there's a lower class, I'm in it. As long as there is a criminal element, I am of it. As long as there is a soul in prison, I am not free." Vonnegut quoting Eugene Victor Debs at a college commencement speech.

The hole appeared one day. Its appearance, while unexpected, was not particularly surprising. Holes tend to appear now and again. The Murakamian decision that one faces when coming across one of these holes is whether you ignore them or you explore them for lost cats. All of my cats were accounted for so I passed the hole and continued the journey to the end of the path.

The next day the hole was still there. It was bigger even. Either that or I ate too many donuts the night before. Both are probable. Although none of this is true. It is never true. Since I couldn't remember if any of the cats were accounted for, I decided it was time to fall in.

The hole was exactly like I pictured it to be. Very 1996. Dial-up internet. Decent New York basketball. I enjoyed spending time at Burger King. There were cats, but not the ones I was looking for. The deeper I went, the foggier the memories became. I remember something about an arcade and a friend with down syndrome. Something about a field of horses, some bees, and a cut on my knee that gushed but didn't hurt. Cats, but again, not mine. An igloo, my father, and that's it. The igloo had a hole but it sat on the roof as opposed to the floor. A rope, dangling ever so safely, seemed to call out, as safety ropes generally do in times of need. Tired and cold, I climbed through to emerge back to where I am today. Inspired, yet confused, about where I came from and where the cats have gone to.

only got a minute

Wanted to write a blong log today but i tan out of rhyme. It happens I guess. Seal-ing fick. It happens to the best of us. I'm drinking airborne and water out of a cup like it's nobody's business. It hasn't helped.

Zodiacs are in the news again. Astrology is important to me. Although that is a lie. But Astrology is important to Ron. He loves that stuff. Not a lie. The whole drive to fictional Los Angeles, he would spit zodiac schnitz into the walkie-talkie as if I gave a who. He was in outerspace, man. The whole time it was like we were racing through the galaxy. Trying to get to the sun first. Because the last one there is the rotten egg.

have an above-average weekend. see you next fall

Hey LeBron...Ball Don't Lie

I don't hate LeBron James. Well maybe I do a little. Ok, I can't stand him. But I'm glad I can't stand him. It is because of this hatred that I believe that the NBA is currently having one of the greatest regular seasons I can remember. Friends of mine who have lost interest in the NBA are tuning in again because they are fired up about LeBron. It might be the best NBA regular season in the 21st century. Mind as well go out on top, NBA. It was nice knowing you.

LeBron can't get all the credit for a great start to the 2010-2011 NBA season. I, perhaps selfishly, credit the Knicks success for helping in the resurgence of the league. A packed Madison Square Garden is good for basketball. The other reason the NBA is good again, perhaps great (?), is Blake Griffin. Even though he is stuck on the worst franchise in the history of the game, a team whose owner heckles his players during games, the Clippers are must-watch TV (or at least check out the highlights). In just a half-season Griffin has already compiled a list of dunks [capped by the "dunk" (face rape) on Timofey Mozgov] that puts him in the conversation for best dunker of all-time.

Blake already had his run-in with the Knicks, as Mozgov was the Russian center that the Knicks curiously decided to sign to a three-year deal this summer even though he is over seven feet and can't rebound, so it was time for Blake to meet up with LeBron. Their game was scheduled for last night. To build the drama, LeBron decided it was a good idea to use twitter to trash his old team, after they were humiliated by the Lakers on Tuesday by a score of 112-57. During the closing minutes of that game, LeBron decided it was a good idea to tweet: "Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!" While he doesn't call out the Cavaliers specifically, every sportswriter and fan in America knows that is what he was talking about. The genius is mad at Cleveland because he was surprised they weren't thrilled with "The Decision" to take his talents to South Beach. While you can't be mad at him for wanting a change of scenery, I deprived Warwick, NY of my talents a long time ago (you're welcome, Aston, PA), the decision to announce his decision on an ESPN special was ill-advised. Barry O', LeBron is not. The thing is though, that once that tweet went out, you knew it was going to come back and bite LeBron. Because, yes, Karma is a b****, and in the basketball world, the Ball Don't Lie.

"Ball Don't Lie" is a phrase I believe coined by coach Flip Saunders, but made famous by Rasheed Wallace. Ball Don't Lie is in reference to a questionable foul call. If a ref makes a borderline call, the answer on whether or not it actually was a foul, is determined by the foul shots. If he makes the foul shots it was a foul. If he misses, it wasn't. In LeBron's case, Ball Don't Lie logic was going to come into play in last night's game against the Clippers. The Heat were rolling, winners of 13 straight road games, which was one more win than the Clippers have had all season. Before the game, LeBron said that his stupid tweet was not in reference to the Cavs. Instead he had this to say about it:

"It's just how I was feeling at the time," James said. "It wasn't even a comment from me, it was someone who sent it to me and I sent it out. It wasn't toward that team. It definitely wasn't a good showing by that team last night, I know they wish they would've played better." (Article here)

When asked what it was in reference to, LeBron was shut down by the Heat PR staff. So if the tweet was directed to the Cavs, the Heat were going to lose to the miserable Clippers, because the Ball Don't Lie. I predicted that the Clippers would win (Ryan, Vic, and Rey can back this up) and they did. I predicted (and hoped) for Lebron to get "Mozgoved" by Griffin. He did not. But he did sprain an ankle and is now day-to-day. A great team losing to the Clippers is equal to a bad team getting blown out to the Lakers. Ball Don't Lie, LeBron. I hope your ankle gets better soon!

Troegs JavaHead Stout

I like Troegs. It might be my favorite brewer. Although Victory is up there as is Maui Brewing, even though their owner might be a jerk. He might not be, but he didn't appreciate getting dumb emails from me. SMH.

I also like coffee. I don't have a favorite coffee, but I am not against Starbucks like some yahoos I know. Sarah just recently advised me that the Venti (largest size) is actually a decent deal as it is only a few coins more than the Grande (middlest size). Why I never realized this before is beyond me. I guess I always thought that the Venti seemed unhealthy. smh.

So last night after little buddy decided to fall asleep for a few minutes, Sarah and I decided to split a 22 of Troegs JavaHead Stout, which sounds perfect as it is both beer and coffee. We have only been drinking stouts for the most part, although avoiding Guinness at all costs unless we happen to be at an Irish wedding. Troegs' coffee stout was on the table last night so it was opened and beginith to be dranketh. Like pretty much any coffee stout, it was good. It's a 7.5%er so it can get the job done, but it also was ridiculously smooth which is the sign of a doper stout. The problem was, however, I am getting sick and besides having lockjaw, my throat felt stupid when drinking the beer. So unfortunately after half of my half I decided it was just making my throat feel worse so I sentenced the rest of the beer to a life in the sink drain. All the sink millipedes thanked me, as I could hear a tiny-legged celebration and the sound of a firework or two blasting off as the coffeed goodness fell down the sink. A little may have been purposely spilled on the floor for the memory of Pickles the Cat.

NEWS FLASH: IVERSON JUST RETIRED AND WILL BE LEAVING TURKEY. smh

On to an update on the move to LA.

Ron and I were speeding away from the bullet-nosed lumberjack and made it safely on the highway. When we were side-by-side we decided to use the walkie-talkies we bought for the trip, but since we weren't walking I guess they should be considered drivie-shouties. They only worked when we were on the verge of crashing into each other.

Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Me: Can you hear me? over.
Ron: Yeah I can, can you hear me? over.
Me: Yeah works pretty good. over.
Ron: Cool, just don't speed too far ahead. over.
Me: Ok, that's fine. over.
Ron: What should we do now? over.
Me: I don't know, let's just drive overnight. over
Ron: That's fine, but I wouldn't mind a shower. over.
Me: Why are you taking all these showers. over
Ron: Huh? over.
Me: Hover. Over
Ron: Nashville, right? Over
Me: Yeah sure. Over
Ron: I told you these walkie-talkies were a good idea. Over
Me: They suck, I feel like we could just open our windows and have a better conversation. Over.
Ron: That sounds like a bad idea. Over
Me: Yeah I guess you're right. Over.
Ron: Want to get a beer. Over.
Me: Sure, but aren't the bars closed? Over.
Ron: I don't know, it's your story. Over.
Me: Good point, yeah let's go to a bar. Over.
Ron: Want to invite the lumberjack? Over.
Me: Sure, why not. Over.

Ron then called the Lumberjack. He was surprised to hear from him. He was wondering when the last time he saw us was. The one good thing about the lumberjack was that he usually was too drunk to remember really much of anything. Which was probably why he had a good jumpshot. So Ron and I did a side-by-side u-turn and headed back to Chapel Hill. We met up with the lumberjack once again, deep in TarHeel territory and went to a college bar. My memory makes me think it was middle of the day when this bar was actually visited so it was pretty early. The lumberjack didn't really have a sister I guess, but he did like an IHOP waitress. Ron was just hoping to find a shower as soon as possible, but we did drink a lot of alcohol that day, before finding a Best Buy so we could buy some good road cd's.

sneezing bullets

Ron and I arrived in Chapel Hill in the middle of the night exhausted from the drive. Ron, who had showered three times, called up the lumberjack to see if we could crash at his place. The lumberjack agreed, gave us directions, and within minutes we were there. The "house" was nothing more than a large van parked at an IHOP. I asked the lumberjack if the IHOP was cool with him staying there, which resulted in some serious lumberjack contemplation. After a minute or five, the lumberjack decided that the IHOP was real cool with it, and he cracked open a beer. Ron asked for a shower. The lumberjack thought about it for a while before letting out a lumberjack laugh. Yep, he said. Ron headed towards the IHOP, leaving me with the lumberjack who was drinking a lot faster than he was talking. The more he drank the slower the conversation became.

Ron and I knew the lumberjack from college. We were on an intramural basketball team together, although the lumberjack never showed up to many games. When asked why he missed so many games, the lumberjack would sometimes shrug. Other times he would just laugh, creepily. Eventually we stopped asking and eventually he completely stopped showing up. He had a decent jump shot though.

I asked what brought him to North Carolina and he responded with a shrug and a comment that alluded to his sister having a baby. I asked if he was helping his sister with the baby and he drank two beers before responding that he was. He said he was watching the baby while his sister worked during the day. The inquiry on the whereabouts of the dad was answered with another shrug and an "Iraq I think". These details are unneeded for a lumberjack and after a couple of more questions I decided that my need for the answers was not that important either. The important thing was we were only in North Carolina for a couple of days and we knew where to find pancakes.

Ron came back from IHOP with a large grin on his face and stumbled into the van. I asked what the smile was for and he told me that he met a girl. This seemed to get the lumberjack interested, so he decided to ask who he met. Ron then went and talked about how he met a waitress, which after a few minutes was discovered to be the lumberjack's sister. This resulted in lumberjack rage which then resulted in Ron and myself running through the parking lot to our stupid little cars. From the road we saw that the lumberjack appeared to be shooting at us. Or sneezing. We never knew for sure. The only thing we knew was that we needed to get to Nashville by morning.

the move to LA

I moved to LA a few years ago. I lived there for about five or six weeks. I moved out there with Ron DiSlosmo and slept on the floor of his apartment and/or hotel room. The only reason I moved out there was because Ron was moving there. Ron was moving there because he "got a new job" which really meant that his parents found his porn collection.

So when Ron decided to move, he sent me a text or a phone call asking if I wanted to move too. I did I guess I said. I was tired of sleeping in a hallway. So it was time to move. I packed up all of my socks into my car and drove to New Jersey to meet up with Ron. When I got to Ron's house, he was already waiting outside. His car was filled with bubbles and he was holding two large cacti. Can you fit these in your car? he asked. I said yeah sure, and I threw them into the neighbor's yard when he was checking the air pressure of the tires on his bicycle that was strapped to the roof of his car.

We started driving South and before we knew it we had reached Baltimore. It was time for a rest stop. We found that truck stop just outside of Baltimore and Ron grabbed his slippers, bathrobe and a towel and made his way for the showers. Ron would proceed to shower at every rest stop the rest of the way. I went into the convenience store and wanted to see how many cassette tapes I could fit into the pocket of my hooded sweatshirt. The answer turned out to be a lot and I slow rode my way to Chapel Hill listening to Fog Hat while a clean Ron drove ahead of me, leading the way, soap suds splish-splashing there way out of his tiny little car. Sounds of the boss rolled out of the tail pipe. In Chapel Hill we were greated by the Lumberjack.

More to follow

running with dogs and a thought on uniforms

I try to run a lot of miles five times a week. Most of the time, this is easy to accomplish, but if there is a monster storm or an important day to celebrate, I'll miss some time. No biggie. I'm not an Olympic athlete, so I can miss a day or a week. Life usually goes on.

Lately I've been running with imaginary dogs. This is a little worrisome. I don't do drugs, and while I don't get a lot of sleep, I don't really blame sleep deprivation for my hallucinagenic (sp? even a word?) condition. I think it is because running in the cold weather sucks. Nothing is fun about running in the cold. Unless you're a fan of frostbite and falling on black ice. Or it's tolerable if you're doing it to spend time with your imaginary dogs.

Most of my dogs are rehabilitated pit bulls. Rescued from a dog fighting ring. They're nice enough, but I wouldn't stick your face in front of them just yet. Give them some time to get more comfortable for a life free of rape-stands. They're good dogs though. Poor guys. A little skittish, but fun to run with. They bark at the cold to keep it away from me. On any given day I can run with up to five dogs. I usually have a dog rotation.

Monday it's Packer and Martin
Tuesday it's Scooter and LaFawna
Wednesday it's Mitch, Treach, and Lil Squeak
Thursday it's Fox, Harry, and Doris
Friday it's Monday, Horse, and Hatcher
Saturday it's Log, Fire, Brain, and Bird
Sunday it's all the rest. (Each remaining dog is named after the position players on the 1985 World Champion Kansas City Royals).

That rotation is not set in stone. For example, I did a short run today so I didn't need Doris or Harry to tag along. It was just me and Fox. We ran fast. We talked about that time Jesus stole my identity for a bit. He needed to buy some high-priced electronics. I didn't mind at all.

Ok, that's all for today. Oh, one more quick thing, I was thinking about sports jerseys today on my run. I have no problem with people buying sports jerseys. I prefer the t-shirts with the players' names on the back, but I can understand the appeal of jerseys. I have a couple (although none are current as Brian Westbrook's Eagle career is now over). But I think jerseys and jeans are silly. I think fans that choose to wear the jersey, should also wear the bottom half of the uniform. I understand you want to show you're a big fan of Bart Scott, but Bart Scott isn't sacking QBs in jeans now is he? Nope, he's wearing tiny white pants. I never understood how people would line up for a new player's jersey, but they never buy the bottom half of it. That needs to change asap. So if you're making the trip to Indy, I want to see you in full uniform if you decide to wear the Scott jersey to the game.

Thanks.

Woof.

According to BBC this Sea Lion is writing the word Rabbit in Chinese:

zombie sink repair for zombies and over-aged children NSFW

I am not a zombie and I am not really a man as I am not yet 40, but there was an issue discovered in our house that required me to learn how to fix a sink. Fixing things is not a big deal for normal humans, but since I am not a normal human, I usually manage to make things extra difficult. Changing a kitchen faucet apparently really isn't that hard to do.

The problem that required the kitchen faucet repair was a leak sprung in what I will call the "neck" of the faucet. For the most part it wasn't a big deal, but we got one of them dishwashers that you have to roll up to the sink and connect to the faucet. When water would back up when the dishwasher was on the chill portion, it would shoot out of the neck, not unlike blood from someone who accidentally got hit in the neck by a javelin. So the water was terminated to that particular sink and a trip to Home Depot was made. A new kitchen faucet was purchased and plans were made to have me, your zombie hero, to replace the damn thing.

So I figure out how to get under the sink comfortably, which is probably the most difficult part about sink repair. I figured out how to unscrew the water connections to the existing kitchen faucet. After about a few minutes of unscrewing some rusty connections the old kitchen faucet was removed. Proud of myself I chewed through the packaging of the new faucet only to discover that we bought the wrong product. It turns out we have the hose connection, but you can't simply reconnect the existing hose to the new faucet since it needs to have the special connection. How dumb is that? So a return trip was made to Home Depot, and the proper product was purchased.

I meant to fix the damn sink Monday, but the stupid narwhal tattoo experience made me skeptical to attempt a fix late at night because I didn't want to wake my dad up when I 1) opened a fountain 2) fell through the kitchen floor, so I decided to leave the kitchen sink waterless for an extra night.

So last night comes around and I am determined to make the repair, so after dinner Sarah takes his majesty into the living room and I descend into the depths of under the sink hell. It turns out that changing a kitchen faucet is pretty easy. Here are the steps:

1. Buy a new kitchen faucet
2. Go to Home Depot and return the kitchen faucet you bought for the proper one
3. Take the old faucet out. Basically you have to unscrew 4 things and unattach the hose part. The hose part didn't disconnect easily so I just took some scissors and destroyed the hose. If the new one didn't fit, we would probably have an issue.
4. Take the new faucet out of the box. Look at the instructions
5. Put the new faucet in. Go underneath and tighten some stuff. This requires a second person to hold stuff up top as you tighten.
6. Run the water
7. Check for leaks
8. Call your dad if you get nervous about a little water coming out of the cold water handle.
9. Agree to just see if it fixes itself
10. Check to see if there is still a leak. If there is, freak out. If there isn't, chill. Right now I'm in chill mode.


Today is our third wedding anniversary. It's amazing how much has changed in three years, but the one constant has always stayed the same. Sarah and I fantasized about buying NBA teams and dedicated field hockey fields in our names to our alma maters, last night when figuring we would win the Mega Million. We did not win. But it does not matter. Because being with Sarah and Maksim is far greater in my book than being a 355 millionaire.

(Although if we won, I would have put an NBA team in DelCo.)

2011 tattoos

I got a tattoo last night. From a tattoo shop.

Want to hear more?

Ok!

I like tattoos. I don't get addicted to things very easily due to an appreciation of apathy, but I do like tattoos. I have several. Mainly small ones. My first was a blue dove that I liked when I saw it on a car air freshener, the second was a red fox seen on the cover of a Belle and Sebastien CD. The third may have been the Kurt Vonnegut quote, while the 4th may have been the Kurt Vonnegut drawing. The fifth coulda been the trumpet clip art, but it was probably the nick drake guy sitting on top of the vonnegut quote. The seventh most likely was the Endless Summer, while the 8th undoubtedly was the cat playing the drums. The 9th was the Hawaiian hut achieved on our honeymoon, but thinking more carefully about it, I probably mixed the hut up with the cat. That sums it up I think, but I could probably be missing one or two. Oh yeah, I have the Mickey Spillane book cover girl, so I guess that accounts for ten. If you think about it carefully, a tattoo rarely goes for less than $100 unless you get a tiny letter on a knuckle, so I imagine I have spent close to $2000 on tattoos. Is that math right? Probably. SMH

So no one can simply have ten tattoos, so I told Sarah for a lot of years that it was time to get a new one. I have many ideas of what I wanted to get, but for whatever reason I decided I needed a narwhal for Maksim, even though he roars more like a lion. So Sarah hooked me up with a nice tat gift cert to Bone Daddy's (that's right) tattoo shop in Aston. Appointment was booked, idea discussed, arm shaved, tattoo received. I don't know, hopefully narwhals aren't too trendy (like ninjas or snap bracelets), but I'm pretty happy with it. He's a little too sad looking for me to really say it's a Maksim tat, so I'll have to go back in a year to get the 12th, most likely a lion.




This pic is very Myspacey as it was taken in a tullet stall, but I did my best to keep the tullet out of the pic.

In other news, the sink is leaking. I will attempt to solve the problem once and for all tonight. Changing sink parts is challenging as it is tough to fit an entire adult body into the tiny space underneath the sink, while keeping your sweatpants from falling down. I'll probably keep my gun out of the wasteband during the fix. If all goes well, I will provide an update tomorrow. If the sink falls on my sternum, I will ask Sarah to send an update.

ANGRY BIRDS (update): I am on level 7-3 or so. It's when you gotta kill the pigs with the night time city landscape in the background.

Peace

year of the rabbit

I'm not big on resolutions but I decided for 2011 I would write a lot more. I intend to write a blog every single day in 2011. Today is January 3rd. And this is my first blog of the new year. So therefore I have failed. But like a good neighbor, state farm is there, and I shall continue on as if day numero uno and dos did not exist in the blog world. Like that scene in 300 where there's no way they are gonna win, but they fight anyway because in the end they didn't want to go back to cubicle life because they rather die heroically as opposed to dying a slow death processing student loan applications. Things might have been different if that little troll dude didn't end up backstabbing them because he wanted to smizz with all the Persian dude's concubines. That's basically what this is more or less exactly kind of like.

2010 was pretty much the raddest of years. A little buddy named Maksim Walter joined Sarah and I in our quest for world domination. The quest has become easier with him in the mix. His first typed word may have been cop poop.

Maksim (logged in as Sarah)

Sweetie: j j7nnnnnnnnnn58
65
2:19 PM c S nnnnnnnnnm x
sz,
fv
me: 65
Sweetie: cop'oop;k x
me: cop'oop

I've been saying cop poop all these years. Acorns fall. And hatch into greater trees. That hopefully can dunk.

2010 was also heroic for other reasons, but now is not really the time to discuss them. This blog is about 2011 and what to expect (if you were expecting). Expect nothing and therefore every thing will be something. That was my yearbook quote, except it wasn't, but if it was you probably wouldn't have believed it anyway. My yearbook quote was actually from a Propagandhi song which was an actual punk rock band from Canada that played songs about stuff and had albums where the songs could be heard that could be purchased or stolen because stealing actual cds used to be easier than stealing imaginary cds if you had a friend named Jones.

The above could have been summed up in a twitpic from the BBC: